Hi Mina, firstly thanks for your response. I am ok with what you say in the first bit, but am not sure that that is the best way to handle the issues with his daughter. Let me be clear - I do understand her perspective, and that she sees me as a threat and wants me gone. I have done as much as I physically, mentally and emotionally can to make it clear to both of his children that I am not going to come between them and their dad, that they still get personal time with him away from me, that they are as much a part of our family here as my children, that I am not trying to take their mothers place. Etc etc etc.
And I try not to sweat the small stuff (like them ignoring me and pre-fixing EVERY comment they make with "Dad..." to make it clear to the rest of us we are excluded from the conversation, always asking dad what's for tea when I cook every meal, etc etc. The cupcakes even - not a big deal.
BUT - I do not wish to overlook or ignore the lying, stealing of my daughters posessions, bad language/nastiness and the rude comments about me. I do not feel that this is acceptable behaviour from ANY of the children, and I will not condone it and subject MY child to that - my daughters are also in the situation of having a new step-dad, and a new step-mum, new homes, schools etc to deal with, new siblings in their space playing and taking over their toys, they have the same issues to deal with and they are not behaving in this way and if they did they would not get away with it. Stealing my daughters things is NOT ok. How do I just let her get away with it? How do I explain that to MY daughter? Sorry, but what you are suggesting is to continue with the strategies I am already using, and I need help with how to get her father to step up and deal with the more serious issues.