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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1699
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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i live in a rural area and am self employed as a gardener

Customer Question

i live in a rural area and am self employed as a gardener so this time of the year is very hard for me. i also have an issue with not being able to spend money. it is debilitating. i am married to a very nice man. it is my 3rd marriage.not spending money has always been an issue. i hate spending my man's money. when i do i always seem to get negative feeback about money. i do without nice things, but have a nice house,(my husband built). to me every man i have been with complains about finances and i constantly am angry about that. i grow a large garden to save money. i go nowhere to save gas and am isolated. i am 58 and am tired of hating money. i have raised three great kids who are doing very well in there own lives.they make me proud. i have endured terrible loss in my life,including,giving up a child for adoption when i was 18, losing a sister 5years ago and my dear brother last year, and my father 20 years ago. these were from a genetic desease. i am free of this affliction, but i have two remaining siblings that have not been determined free of this. i am an introvert and always have been.i suffer from low esteem and have no girlfriends due to my location, or it makes it easy. my husband is not a stimulating partner and we have a sexless marriage,(3years) i am an artist and stay busy in my studio,but as winter goes on i am losing inspiration. today i feel i am losing my mind.my husband complains anytime i speak of therapy,(money) any help or hope for me?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 1 year ago.

Dr.Keane :

I can help you today.

Dr.Keane :

It seems you are offline so I will leave my comments and you can reply when you are back on line.

Dr.Keane :

Let me first say that there is hope and help for you. Being in your profession the winter months can be a problem as you are isolated and introverted by nature. You have raised three children successfully so you know that you have the ability to do something else in your life. From what you have written I would suggest that you seek out some therapy, even if your husband complains about money. You save money by growing your own food and the money your husband makes is yours as well.

Dr.Keane :

I see you are back online....good we can chat

Dr.Keane :

I am sorry you have endured so many losses in your lifetime. May I ask you about the child you gave up for adoption?

Customer:

i cannot get it through my head that his money is my money.that just doesn't make sense to me and the constant complaining i get just reenforces that fact. it actually makes me ill thinking that way. my sister,who is wealthy,her husband is, tells me that too. i can't seem to get it. my husband makes 56,000/year and i ask for nothing. i make 12,000/season.

Customer:

i was 18 and my parents sent me away as they often did when i was a "problem" they where very religious and sent me out west to a foster family to have my daughter. there was NO support emotionally from them .to this day my mother has no clue that i had a little girl.she has never talked about it even the one time i tried. she changed the subject.

Dr.Keane :

Your sister is right. Do you keep your finances separate? Do you have access to any money other than your own? You have been conditioned to ask for nothing, what makes you feel that you don't deserve it? You are not a spend thrift from what I have read. Just because he complains doesn't mean you can't sit down and work out a budget with spending money for you.

Dr.Keane :

Okay, let me try to address one thing at a time. Have you ever spoken to anyone professionally about your daughter? It sounds as though you have never worked through the loss especially since your mom has reinforced by denial not to emotionally support your feelings on this subject.

Dr.Keane :

Who else knows about this child's existence?

Customer:

We have talked budget, but the money i make is what is mine. he says ok,but he complains so about $$ i don't feel right about asking when he doesn't remeber. i am not only not a spend thrift, i give up vacations,clothing etc.

Customer:

all of my kids know about the child and all of my mates have been told. i have dear feelings about the child, who of course now is an adult, if she lived to adulthood.

Dr.Keane :

Each time you lose someone it will bring other losses back to mind, and you have had quite a few in your lifetime and now your siblings. I am glad your spoke about this child to your own children. That is healthy. It would still help to speak to a therapist and if your husband complains, let him complain. You need the help right now and it isn't as though you will be in therapy for years, usually a few sessions can be very helpful. There are also churches throughout the country (I don't know what state you reside) that hold bereavement groups. Even after all these years it could help that part of your life.

Dr.Keane :

There is also a great mental health website that offers groups, and can help you find a therapist who will see you either for free or a minimal amount.

Dr.Keane :

www.nami.org is the website.

Customer:

i feel that i might can do this. i cry a lot about this but feel i should be able to deal since i always have and i am known as a strong person,and should be. i live in va., charlottesville. i am extremely nostalgic and spend time going from,resiliant to weeping weak. thanks for your help. i will try to get help.

Dr.Keane :

That is only one issue you need to address, the second is what you are feeling today, right now. You can't work because it's winter, there is something happening in your marriage, you are lonely and your self esteem is pretty low. I would suggest you get out of the house, fill your gas tank and do something for yourself. I am not sure how rural your home is but you have to be the one to take action and take care of yourself. You have choices, you can listen to him complain and be compliant or you can take control of your life and get help. Please let me know if I can help you further. You can do this, think about you first. You deserve it.

Dr.Keane :

One other thought, you are an artist, if you can find an art class that isn't too far away , go for it. You will meet other women who are artists and you never know, that is how friendships begin.

Customer:

well i always joke that i don't deserve things. i have reenforced this by chosing certain kinds of men, but i know it is not their issue.

Dr.Keane :

Also, you may be strong but it's okay to not be that strong person all the time. Ruminating about the past isn't going to help you in the future, it's a real female issue....we all do it! Well, you do deserve things, you are beating yourself up because of ??? ......(fill in the blank). Tell yourself every day that you do deserve things and you deserve to be heard, so speak up for what you need and what you want. I know it's easy for me to say and it may cause a bit of angst but if you don't you will remain stuck.....

Dr.Keane :

I tell women to find a mantra, an affirmation of themselves, something positive and then post it where you'll see it (bathroom mirror is great). Then live by that affirmation. Put it up in your studio too. It isn't easy, and it can be scary at times, these behaviors have been in place for years but you can change as long as you know you are the one who has to make the change. Please let me know how this works out, ask for me when you post. Good luck. You have the hope already.

Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1699
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
Dr. Keane and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 1 year ago.
Hi [Customer Name],


I'm just following up on our chat. I hope you are feeling better and hopeful about your life. Please know I am here for support, I care about the people I interact with on JA. If you want help finding a therapist in your area let me know and I'll work on finding the right therapist for you.


Dr. Keane
[Expert Name]
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I certainly have always done the affirmation thing.over the tears i have had many favorites,including music and their lyrics. it certainly helps.if you have a name for therapy help, i would greatly appreciate it. thanks so much. this week is better for sure.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 1 year ago.
Glad to hear you are doing better. I will get back to you later today with some names.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 1 year ago.
Hi, here is a psychologist in your area who comes highly recommended. Her name is Dr. Ann Womack. Her phone number is 434 825 4001, if she isn't able to see you ask her to recommend someone close by. I wish you all the best.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 1 year ago.
Here is another therapist in your area. I reached out to a group I belong to of psychologists/therapists, and this came today.

http://www.michaelgarcialpc.com/

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