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I would like to help you with your question.
I am sorry that your marriage has taken this strange twist. I can only imagine how upsetting this is for you.
Having worked in corrections for many years, I find it baffling that she takes out of town trips as a nurse - if she is attending workshops or seminars that would make sense..but otherwise it is hard to understand what she is doing. That she does not provide you with the information is concerning.
I understand that she wants to be trusted..particularly after so many years of marriage. However, one must act trustworthy to be trusted! There are several things that don't seem to add up:
*never calls when she is going to be late - that's an issue of respect as well
*goes out of town on business (what business?) and never calls
*on the out of town overnights you aren't told where she is staying
* she treats you like you are bothering her
*no affection and limited sex
*rarely gets calls from co-worker nurses
*you can't visit her at work
*you have limited contact with her co-workers
While all of these things may add up to nothing...you deserve to be involved in her life and know generally where she is going, if she will be late, where she is staying when she is out of town, how to reach her in an emergency, and also have some sense of her employment situation.
That she is keeping you from these vital aspects of her work life is disrespectful...and hurtful.
That she blows up when you ask for simple details of her life only makes you more worried about what is happening.
Mistrust in a marriage can cause considerable damage to the relationship. And..I can understand why you want to know and understand how she is spending her work hours.
You write that you think something is going on for the last few years. What do you think that "something is"....
Please tell me as well how you feel about your wife? Do you love her enough to fight to improve the marriage? Meaning going to couple's counseling? And what have you considered doing in order to find out once and for all what she is doing at work and on these trips?
I await your reply.
You seem to be in considerable pain and she seems to want to ignore that. I'm glad she is talking about retirement together...at least she includes you in that future!
As she does not accept that there are any problems from her viewpoint, I would encourage you to consider individual therapy. You would benefit from talking out this pain with a therapist and gaining some insight into your own feelings. Her attitude and behavior do seem unkind and disrespectful. And you seem very attentive and caring.
The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you love this woman and want to have a better "today"...not just the hope of a good retirement. Going to therapy is likely to give you support and some new strategies on making today better.
To find a therapist you can use this website:
On the "homepage" you will see an icon on the top for: Find a Therapist.
By listing your city and zip code, you will be given a list of therapists in your area. Read through the list and see if any seem to have the training and experience you need.
It seems hard to understand why your wife has so little time for your relationship...and all the time to read novels. Life is about reality...not about romance novels. But that's something you already knew.
Please let me know your thoughts.
I agree that something seems "off" here...
I'm sorry about that incident with your surgery...I can see why your daughter was upset about that!
Have you thought about approaching any of her co-workers and asking if they know anything?
It is hard to get other people involved...but at this point you just have your suspicions and nothing else.
What do the children say...have they noticed a change in mom?
I am imagining that if you confront her with this thought that she will blow up ... and that is not going to get you anywhere.
If the kids have noticed a change...that might be a way to proceed...by getting them to have an honest chat with her.
With your children confirming that they cannot talk to her either and that they are baffled by her behavior...then you are all on the same page.
Do you think she might be depressed?
Has she gone through menopause?
These two things might be a clue as to what is happening with her.
Oh my. So things do not add up!
What would you think about calling this guy and asking him man to man what is going on with your wife?
Is there anyone else that you can confide in from her work...anyone that would tell you honestly what they see happening...if anything?
You seem like a very kind and understanding man who feels neglected and abandoned by the woman he lives. I can only imagine how painful this is. You are a bit too generous here by thinking that she didn't answer the phone because she was busy...it's hard to believe she didn't see the call. But...
And maybe she does have a 2nd phone. That's a pretty common way to "cheat" in a marriage these days.
And absolutely you want sex to be a mutual interest...otherwise it is degrading and disrespectful.
A little weight doesn't sound like a real issue....
Maybe she is being influenced by this other women who are seeing other men. But what you write about has been going on a long time.
I am more wondering about menopause...sexual appetites do change with menopause.
Here is an article for you to read about that:
You write that she loves the kids and grandkids...that suggest that she may not be depressed. Would you be willing to ask her that question?
If she answers you honestly it might be a clue as to what is happening.
See what you think of the menopause article...
Here is another good article too: http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/book/companion.asp?id=26&compID=47
I think there is a possibility that she is having or had an affair. Yes.
Does menopause last for 4 years...sorry to say but it can ... and does...
I would ask her directly about that. Does she - or has she - see an ob/gyn physician? Does she complain about a dry vagina? Does she experience pain during intercourse? These would be some signs. What about night sweats?
Breakfast in bed! Oh my...you really are a wonderful husband!
If you are tracking her car and phone...then there is no much more you can do here other than to get yourself into therapy so that you can deal with the pain this is causing you. I would be direct in telling her that as well..."Honey, I am going to go to therapy because I am unhappy with how removed you are from me sexually and I need help understanding my own feelings and thoughts."
"I want to have a strong and happy marriage and that's what I am going to dedicate myself to doing."
This way you take responsibility for what you are thinking and feeling. Maybe such a powerful statement will help her to see that her own behavior is hurting you...maybe not. But you need to be 100% honest here so that she has an opportunity to come clean.
I hate to think of a good guy like you worrying about what their wife is up to. But she seems to have some secrets..and she is NOT talking. By you showing her how dedicated you are to the marriage...perhaps she will feel encouraged to talk.
All you can do here is to take care of you..and do your best to let her know how much you care and love her (which you are already doing!). I would also keep talking to the kids to see if they can be of any help in understanding mom's behavior. Perhaps she has told them about menopause..or about other challenges in her life.
You are welcome.
I'm sorry about all of this.
It is possible that she's been having an affair..or that she has changed because of menopause or depression.
Do think about going to therapy...I think it will do you a world of good.