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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1153
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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MY WIFE OF 33 YEARS GOT A PROMOTION AT WORK WITH THE PRISON.

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MY WIFE OF 33 YEARS GOT A PROMOTION AT WORK WITH THE PRISON. SHE IS A NURSE. SHE INSIST I MUST TRUST HER. SHE NEVER CALLS THAT SHE IS GOING TO BE VERY LATE. SHE GOES OUT OF TOWN ON BUSINESS, SOMETIMES OVERNIGHT AND NEVER CALLS OR IN SOME CASES I DO NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHERE SHE IS STAYING. A MALE CO WORKER HAS CALLED HER CELL WHILE THEY WERE OUT OF TOWN AND SHE HAS CALLED HIM AFTER SHE LEAVES WORK ON HER CELL. I HAVE ATTEMPTED MANY TIMES TO TALK TO HER ABOUT THIS BUT SHE JUST BLOWS UP AT ME AND HAS TOLD ME IF I DO NOT TRUST HER THEN WE NEED TO SEPARATE. WE HAVE HAD A GREAT LIFE TOGETHER BUT NOW FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS SHE READS CONSTANTLY AT HOME AND IF I TRY TO TALK SHE ACTS LIKE I AM INTERRUPTING HER. SHE NEVER KISSES ANY MORE AND SEX IS HURRY UP AND GET IT OVER. SHE WAS NEVER LIKE THIS BEFORE THE NEW POSITION A FEW YEARS AGO. SHE SAYS EVERYTHING IS OK. I FEEL IT IS NOT. SHE USE TO ALSO GET ALOT OF CALLS FROM OTHER NURSES SHE WORKED WITH BUT NOW RARELY, LIKE SHE MAY HAVE ANOTHER PHONE. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO GO INTO THE PRISON TO VISIT HER AT WORK AND HAVE VERY LITTLE CONTACT WITH HER CO WORKERS. FOR A WHILE AFTER HER NEW POSITION SHE TALKED ABOUT ONE CO WORKER AND NOW NEVER MENTIONS HIM. I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IS GOING ON FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Good Morning,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I am sorry that your marriage has taken this strange twist. I can only imagine how upsetting this is for you.

Dr. L :

Having worked in corrections for many years, I find it baffling that she takes out of town trips as a nurse - if she is attending workshops or seminars that would make sense..but otherwise it is hard to understand what she is doing. That she does not provide you with the information is concerning.

Dr. L :

I understand that she wants to be trusted..particularly after so many years of marriage. However, one must act trustworthy to be trusted! There are several things that don't seem to add up:

Dr. L :

*never calls when she is going to be late - that's an issue of respect as well

Dr. L :

*goes out of town on business (what business?) and never calls

Dr. L :

*on the out of town overnights you aren't told where she is staying

Dr. L :

* she treats you like you are bothering her

Dr. L :

*no affection and limited sex

Dr. L :

*rarely gets calls from co-worker nurses

Dr. L :

*you can't visit her at work

Dr. L :

*you have limited contact with her co-workers

Dr. L :

While all of these things may add up to nothing...you deserve to be involved in her life and know generally where she is going, if she will be late, where she is staying when she is out of town, how to reach her in an emergency, and also have some sense of her employment situation.

Dr. L :

That she is keeping you from these vital aspects of her work life is disrespectful...and hurtful.

Dr. L :

That she blows up when you ask for simple details of her life only makes you more worried about what is happening.

Dr. L :

Mistrust in a marriage can cause considerable damage to the relationship. And..I can understand why you want to know and understand how she is spending her work hours.

Dr. L :

You write that you think something is going on for the last few years. What do you think that "something is"....

Dr. L :

Please tell me as well how you feel about your wife? Do you love her enough to fight to improve the marriage? Meaning going to couple's counseling? And what have you considered doing in order to find out once and for all what she is doing at work and on these trips?

Dr. L :

I await your reply.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

Customer: Out of town training,usually once or twice a year. She would not talk about our problems,she does not think we have a problem. She talks about. What we are going to do in retirement. She has got where she does not do much at home except read romance novels while she uses bathroom, or sets it outside while showering. Just about every waking minute. We have always been close, affectionate except for the past few years since she was promoted. Now she never wants to kiss, rarely hold each other and most of the time we have sex at least once a week and I feel like she just wants to get it over with. No fore play very little touch before sex. I try very hard to arouse her but then she just indicates to go ahead. I love her very much and feel that I treat her great, I never forget our important dates. She refuses to talk about or listen to my feeling, just says its my problem not hers. I even wrote her a letter and asked her to please read,she read my feelings and just got mad, still would not talk about it. I have tried many times to discuss it with her, I have never had or wanted anyone but her since we met. I still do not want anyone else
Dr. L :

Hello again...

Dr. L :

You seem to be in considerable pain and she seems to want to ignore that. I'm glad she is talking about retirement together...at least she includes you in that future!

Dr. L :

As she does not accept that there are any problems from her viewpoint, I would encourage you to consider individual therapy. You would benefit from talking out this pain with a therapist and gaining some insight into your own feelings. Her attitude and behavior do seem unkind and disrespectful. And you seem very attentive and caring.

Dr. L :

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you love this woman and want to have a better "today"...not just the hope of a good retirement. Going to therapy is likely to give you support and some new strategies on making today better.

Dr. L :

To find a therapist you can use this website:

Dr. L :

www.psychologytoday.com

Dr. L :

On the "homepage" you will see an icon on the top for: Find a Therapist.

Dr. L :

By listing your city and zip code, you will be given a list of therapists in your area. Read through the list and see if any seem to have the training and experience you need.

Dr. L :

It seems hard to understand why your wife has so little time for your relationship...and all the time to read novels. Life is about reality...not about romance novels. But that's something you already knew.

Dr. L :

Please let me know your thoughts.

Customer: I just feel like there has been or there is someone else at her work, it is strange that it started about the same time as she started over there. I not sure if something has happened and she feels guilty or is still on going. One thing a few years ago I had to go through major surgery . Her and my daughter was on the way to hospital before I went down to surgery and she stopped for a while on the way and I had been taken down when she arrived, my daughter was very upset with her about it, she had come in from out of state to be there. Afterwards she did not comment at all when asked why she was not there. I feel like there is someone else and she may be just staying because of children which are all grown and away from home. She does not look her age of 61. She either gets mad or does not reply. I treat her very well and worry about her, but something is going on and I. Feel like it almost has to be someone else
Dr. L :

I agree that something seems "off" here...

Dr. L :

I'm sorry about that incident with your surgery...I can see why your daughter was upset about that!

Dr. L :

Have you thought about approaching any of her co-workers and asking if they know anything?

Dr. L :

It is hard to get other people involved...but at this point you just have your suspicions and nothing else.

Dr. L :

What do the children say...have they noticed a change in mom?

Dr. L :

I am imagining that if you confront her with this thought that she will blow up ... and that is not going to get you anywhere.

Dr. L :

If the kids have noticed a change...that might be a way to proceed...by getting them to have an honest chat with her.

Customer: They can not talk to her about it either, one of my daughters and son knows my feeling, they do not think she is having an affair but if she is not then what is going on. We have a place at the beach, we go during summers but then all she does is read the romance novels. She never wants to go any where when we are down there. She loves the children and grandchild a lot. I just can not figure out her all of a sudden a few years ago not wanting to lay close at night or ever kiss. I have asked her many times, she just says it me not her but e
Dr. L :

With your children confirming that they cannot talk to her either and that they are baffled by her behavior...then you are all on the same page.

Dr. L :

Do you think she might be depressed?

Dr. L :

Has she gone through menopause?

Dr. L :

These two things might be a clue as to what is happening with her.

Customer: theyEthel have tried, but she always says there is nothing wrong. We sleep in same bed but she does not want me to touch her, occasionally she does.she allows sex. Once or twice a week but no foreplay, just get it over. If I try to talk to her at night she stops reading a few moments and then right back to her reading. She goes shopping usually at least once a week and comes home with a few items that takes 3to 4 hours. I strongly feel with other actions that someone else is involved, I just not sure how far or how long.it may have been. For years. The one co worker she use to talk a little about she does not even mention his name. The last training they had out of town, I know he called her from his cell after class about six pm. I could not reach her, she said she went to her room and just read instead of going out with the other female nurses and why did he call her, when asked she just said the girls called her not him but I know it was his cell phone and not theirs. There has been some little things she did not tell. I do feel that something is going on. Her overtime at work does not show all the hours put in but her car is there the whole time, I have checked.
Dr. L :

Oh my. So things do not add up!

Dr. L :

What would you think about calling this guy and asking him man to man what is going on with your wife?

Dr. L :

Is there anyone else that you can confide in from her work...anyone that would tell you honestly what they see happening...if anything?

Customer: As far as co workers most of them moved over to her new location when opening came available. They are close friends and use to call back and forth all the time, rarely now in the last few months unless she has another phone. Several of them are separated and seeing other people. I would dare to ask them
Customer: Or is she seeing greener pastures with the women working with her daily, I know they talk a lot while working.
Customer: She may be depressed because she has gained some weight, but that has been. Many years ago,way before this attitude started. She knows I love her and would do anything for her. I love her but if she is or has had an affair I do not know if I could deal with it. But I am tired of the cold shoulder all the time. Rarely does she act like she wants to make love. I am always willing but I do want it to be that both of us want to, not a one way street. If she will not talk with out getting mad with me, I try to be understanding. She can get up with me any time, I always answer when she calls, she rarely answers my call but I can see on the phone that she was talking before or after. Just like when she was at the meeting, I called her about 30 minutes after he did but did not get a call back til the next evening when she came back home. She just said she did not check her phone but did answer his. Maybe she was busy...
Dr. L :

You seem like a very kind and understanding man who feels neglected and abandoned by the woman he lives. I can only imagine how painful this is. You are a bit too generous here by thinking that she didn't answer the phone because she was busy...it's hard to believe she didn't see the call. But...

Dr. L :

And maybe she does have a 2nd phone. That's a pretty common way to "cheat" in a marriage these days.

Dr. L :

And absolutely you want sex to be a mutual interest...otherwise it is degrading and disrespectful.

Dr. L :

A little weight doesn't sound like a real issue....

Dr. L :

Maybe she is being influenced by this other women who are seeing other men. But what you write about has been going on a long time.

Dr. L :

I am more wondering about menopause...sexual appetites do change with menopause.

Dr. L :

Here is an article for you to read about that:

Dr. L :

http://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/sex-menopause

Dr. L :

You write that she loves the kids and grandkids...that suggest that she may not be depressed. Would you be willing to ask her that question?

Dr. L :

If she answers you honestly it might be a clue as to what is happening.

Dr. L :

See what you think of the menopause article...

Dr. L :

Here is another good article too: http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/book/companion.asp?id=26&compID=47

Customer: If I understand you correctly, you do not think there is or has been an affair. She has been at this new position for almost four years. Does menopause last four years and they rarely want you to touch,kiss or anything with them. Very rarely she comes in and acts like she really cares. She says she loves me but that is the end of it. I monitor her phone that I know about and a tracker on the car. When she goes shopping it is for several hours and brings home very little and then straight to shower or within a few minutes of getting home, then off to bedroom to read. Sometimes she is on house phone to girls she works with for an hour and stops talking when I enter room but if the children are on the phone she continues to talk. I know the phone numbers are the girls unless they are covering for her in case I check. If I ask much about work she bites my head off. I even serve her breakfast in bed on weekends, help with housework, probably more than she does. She will not talk about anything much when I ask anything about work. If menopause last for four years, I hope we never have a woman president while she is on menopause.
Dr. L :

I think there is a possibility that she is having or had an affair. Yes.

Dr. L :

Does menopause last for 4 years...sorry to say but it can ... and does...

Dr. L :

I would ask her directly about that. Does she - or has she - see an ob/gyn physician? Does she complain about a dry vagina? Does she experience pain during intercourse? These would be some signs. What about night sweats?

Dr. L :

Breakfast in bed! Oh my...you really are a wonderful husband!

Dr. L :

If you are tracking her car and phone...then there is no much more you can do here other than to get yourself into therapy so that you can deal with the pain this is causing you. I would be direct in telling her that as well..."Honey, I am going to go to therapy because I am unhappy with how removed you are from me sexually and I need help understanding my own feelings and thoughts."

Dr. L :

"I want to have a strong and happy marriage and that's what I am going to dedicate myself to doing."

Dr. L :

This way you take responsibility for what you are thinking and feeling. Maybe such a powerful statement will help her to see that her own behavior is hurting you...maybe not. But you need to be 100% honest here so that she has an opportunity to come clean.

Dr. L :

I hate to think of a good guy like you worrying about what their wife is up to. But she seems to have some secrets..and she is NOT talking. By you showing her how dedicated you are to the marriage...perhaps she will feel encouraged to talk.

Dr. L :

All you can do here is to take care of you..and do your best to let her know how much you care and love her (which you are already doing!). I would also keep talking to the kids to see if they can be of any help in understanding mom's behavior. Perhaps she has told them about menopause..or about other challenges in her life.

Customer: She will not talk, she becomes very hostile if I push her to talk, back to keeping check till I know for sure one way or another, if I keep putting up with it. Thanks
Dr. L :

You are welcome.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry about all of this.

Dr. L :

It is possible that she's been having an affair..or that she has changed because of menopause or depression.

Dr. L :

Do think about going to therapy...I think it will do you a world of good.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1153
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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