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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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my boyfriends mother is living with us now for 4 months and

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my boyfriend's mother is living with us now for 4 months and lived here with him 3 years ago for the past 10 years before i moved in. she and him are making the decision of when she should move out and not including me in the decision. my boyfriend is very difficult to talk to about my uncomfort on her living with us and doesn't seem to think that i'm being very supporive. what do i do? i feel like i will lose him if i bring it up again. should i have a sit down with the two of them regarding me not being included in this decision of how long she is staying?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

I can certainly understand how you would want to be a part of this conversation regarding your boyfriend's mother, especially considering this has a big effect on your life too. I would also think that it is difficult to continue be supportive if you don't feel like you are being included in this decision. It may be very helpful to sit down with the two of them and getting everything out in the open. However, it may help to first get a better idea from your boyfriend as to why you haven't been included up until this point, and that may give you a better idea of how to approach this.

Having that conversation with him may help you to better understand why your feelings aren't being taken into consideration. He may feel like the decision is something that should be made between him and his mother, however that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be part of the discussion. Confronting them both on the issue is not a bad idea but it can make people feel defensive, so if there is a way to talk about this first with your boyfriend that may help you to figure out the best way to handle this.

It may also help to ask him what you can do to be more supportive, and perhaps that is where there can be some compromise, and you and your boyfriend can start working together on this issue. From what you described it sounds like the situation with his mother is a difficult subject between the two of you in general. However it is not asking too much to be part of this conversation, and if there is something that you can do to make him feel more supported, that may help you to both get on the same page. If you've been through all of this and you still aren't getting any answers, then most likely the best thing to do is to confront the situation openly and directly with them as you mentioned. I definitely wish you the best with this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


when she moved back in i had no say on the matter and he knew she would eventually move back. i have pushed this issue and put alot of pressure on him and decided to back off because i almost lost him over it. she is able to be on her own but chooses not to. he said in the beginning he would discuss with her on a time frame and would ease her on her own, well that hasn't really happened. she pretty much tells him that she wants to stay until we sell the house to receive the equity and he of course doesn't reply to her so she assumes it's okay without even getting my opinion. our relationship was almost lost not too long ago because of her and she seems to making the decisions and he's afraid to tell her now obviously so he goes along with it regardless of how it will impact our relationship and how it affects me. i know he's not going to tell her she will have to leave sooner than she's planning so how do i get the point across that another few years is not tolerable? he may let me go to avoid telling his mom to leave i think.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
You can probably tell him just that. Another few years is not tolerable, and that at the very least you want to be included on the decisions and have some input.

However I think the fear is exactly what you have said. That even if you get your point across, he will still allow his mother to have the final say and to generally be in charge of the decisions. You are also probably correct that he is afraid to confront her and that is one of the reasons why it has gotten to the point where it is affecting your relationship. Unfortunately there may not be a perfect way of telling him that will make him understand that this is not an appropriate way of handling this. If this is the type of relationship he has always been to his mother, then most likely regardless of how dysfunctional the situation becomes, that is where his loyalty will remain.

It sounds like you have been doing your best to be patient with this, and if another few years isn't tolerable, that is fair. If this is a situation that he refuses to confront and refuses to budge on, then you may have to make a decision for yourself at some point that this is no longer tolerable or fair to you. Overall it doesn't seem like you are asking for too much, and if he wants to make this relationship work properly, he is going to have to make some compromises with how he handles his mother. Hang in there and good luck with everything,

Ryan
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
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