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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Hi my husband is on lexa pro 3 weeks today doesnt seem any

Resolved Question:

Hi my husband is on lexa pro 3 weeks today doesnt seem any better, he moved out of the family home, doesnt know what he wants, on good days he wants his family back and loves me on bad days doesnt want anyone or anything can you help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

I am sorry to hear about the problems your husband is experiencing.

In reading what you have written and and relying on over 35 years of experience working with issues related to depression- it seems clear that your husband is suffering from a depressive illness and if he is taking Lexapro you should start to see improvement soon as it typically takes 4-6 weeks for the medication to realize its full effect.

You husband also need to see a counselor to address these issues related to mood and uncertainty about direction in life. He needs to understand that this is a very treatable issue but he does need some continue help to resolve these issues.

Detail on Men and depression and what you can do to help is elaborated upon in the following links:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_men_male.htm


Helping a depressed person:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm


At the following Ireland Specific link you will find information on how and where your husband can get help in your area:

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/Older_People_Services/Tips_for_Healthy_Living/Depression.html#Getting%20Help

I trust this information will help you husband and family get this issue under control.

If you have additional questions of me, feel free to ask. I am happy to help.

Kind Regards,

Bill

I Appreciate your Positive Rating So that I Receive Credit for my time

Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Bill,


 


Thanks for your help. I guess I just want to know if I should support him or walk away, is it possible that he will return to the man he was and I will get my family back? Should I hold out hope for his return?


 

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Debbie-

I understand that this can be very difficult and you cannot live your life on a Merry Go Round.

That said- with the information I have provided above- see if you husband is willing to get more treatment and wait a bit longer to see if the medication is going to help him.

When someone is depressed- they have no interest in anything. If properly treated they can return to a previous level of healthy functioning.

Hence, I would give it some more time and encourage your husband to follow up with treatment----including counseling.

If he is unwilling to do so, my suggestion would be for you to get some short term counseling to sort out the best path for you..

If you have further questions, feel free to ask. I am happy to help.

Kindest regards, Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Bill,


Thanks for your help, I have asked him to go for councilling, he has said not just yet, so he hasnt ruled it out I think when he starts to feel the meds are giving him some relief he will go see someone, he has also said if we get our marriage back on track we will need to see a councillor I agree also, I am seeing a councillor once a week this helps, she has explained how depression affects people and how men look outwards and look for someone to blame, and in most cases its their spouse that gets the blame. She has also said to give the medication time to work, and then got from there as there shoud be no major decisions made while someone is depressed. Is this true?


 

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Debbie-

I completely agree with what your Councillor is saying about your depression, giving it more time and seeing how things work.

I think you have a good Councillor and that it will take some additional time to see how this unfolds.

But what you have been told it 100% true.

Best, Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
Bill and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Bill,


 


Again thank you, can I also ask your opinion - on his good days which are few and far between he said he loves me, misses me, wants to be at home, but on his bad days which he has more of has said he wants to be alone, doesnt want anyone, or anything - so I have been told that his good days are the real person trying to break through and I should listen and foucs on this, and ignore what is said on the bad days as this is the depression talking would you agree with this?


Also he is moving into a house renting a room, its a shared house nothing long term just yet, he said he needs his space to get himself better and he hopes he can come home, is this a good idea, he wont even consider coming home or staying in his mams, as he said he needs space, were just worried that he may go here and shut himself off from us all, we have up to now met every thursday night and we sleep together, we both have said we feel like were connecting again is this a good idea?


 

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Debbie-
If you read this link that I attached above-I think you will gain some insight how to respond to your husband as well as the one on men and depression:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

Right now you are at a critical impasse in your marriage and if I were you I would work out (perhaps with assistance of your Councilor) a structure for how and when you are going to spend time together while living apart. This needs to be clear and specific so that each of you know what to plan for and how you are going to weather this storm together.

I also think you find the following link very helpful:

http://www.maritalhealing.com/conflicts/depressedspouse.php

My very best to you and your husband.

Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Bill,


That doesnt really answer my question I do appreciate your help but I just would like to know if on good days that is the real man he was, or is this part of the depression?


I am pregnant and looking after our 3 year old so as I can imagine this is a very hard time for me.


Thanks,


Debbie


 

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Debbie-

Depression masks the true self- If you mean on good days you are seeing the true self - the answer is most likely yes. And with treatment, your husband should be able the depression should lift and you should return to the good days.

It does take time and it is a process- if you know the good then you should see more if treatment is working effectively.

I hope this clarifies you question.

Best, Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks Bill. Your help has been great, we have agreed to meet once a week, and we also have agreed to spend time together talking when he collects and drops our little girl home.


We spend more time together on the weekend, it was nice, he was very down, hes feeling better today, he came with me to my anti natal check up yesterday, my nurse I go to knows us very well and said he looks like hes in hell. We are back at his psychiatrist tomorrow he said to me that if she cant help him he is going back to his own doctor. He was talking to me today, our little girls is sick so he is going to come over and spend time with us both, I said I would go out let them have time alone he said no we should spend time together, we would have been 10 years together this Sat, so we have agreed to do something on this day. He is still moving to this rented room in this house with stranger,s he is not looking forward to it, but says hes looking forward to the space, he said he hopes it will bring him back home.


I asked did he miss us, he said sometimes, on good days he does, like today, but sometimes he doesnt on his bad days.


Is there still hope here Bill in your opinion?


Everyone has told me not to give up on him, hes a good man Alex and me were his world anyone could see that, he will come back to his old self and we will work through this, I just dont know what to think.


 

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Debbie-

This all sounds very positive and as long as the momentum is going in the positive direction - I think there is every reason to expect that Alex will get better and so will your relationship.

Depression has to viewed like any other treatable illness. If not treated- you see what happens - with treatment there is no reason to think that Alex should not return to the person he was--perhaps even better. Sometimes depression has lingered under the surface years and years......then with treatment- there is a blossuming process and this is what I sense will happen with you.

Thanks for the update.

One of the leading Experts on Male Depression is Terrance Real. His Book
"I Don't Want to Talk about it" The Secret Legacy of Male Depression is an excellent book for you and Alex:

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I wish you the very best.

Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Again thanks Bill, he is still going to live alone in this room he is renting in a house with strangers, I dont understand this he has said he needs space, and time to try get better and hopes he can come home, he said he cant come home as hes afraid he wont get better or that he will have to leave again as hes also afraid he might not want his old life back, this is where I worry, if I give him all my support, and give him space, being pregnant, working, taking care of our little girl and our house, and he then decides he wants to live alone, this is going to hurt me even worse if I have hope he will return will it hurt me even more so I am just unsure of how to handle this, of course I want my old life back and my family back together but what if this doesnt happen!


Can you offer me some advice, thank you again.


 

Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.
Debbie-

I understand that this is a very difficult time.

I encourage you to find support to help cope with this.

Just talking to trusted friends and family can be enormously helpful-in addition to working with your counselor.

This is a painful process and one that will take time before you know the outcome.

I wish there was magical process to make it better --faster----

The information that follows will help you with coping strategies that you can use at this most difficult time.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_management_relief_coping.htm

Kind regards, Bill

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