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I believe that I can help.
These are very stressful times. What exactly is happening with you?
I understand that your life is going to change drastically and fear of the unknown is so difficult.
I see that you are typing me a message. I look forward to that. Here is a book I recommend:
we have been married almost 9 yrs. Together for 12. However we have history as we go back to high school and a relationship back then. The marriage has been difficult for me and I was wanting more from him..emotionally. We fought alot. His tone of voice was very demeaning at times and i did not deal with that well. We have been living basically as roommates. I sleep in another room due to his snoring. We have not been intimate for a long time. It is hard to get close to someone who talks down to you. he would never take responsibility for any of his actions. There was always some excuse and someone elses fault. At this time I was thinking about moving out because I have a house of my own and I am tired of living in a rental. In Dec, for some reason, I started feeling closer to him. Maybe because he was gone all the time. Last thur he told me he was moving out and the relationship is over. He is tired of fighting all the time. He just wants to concentrate on his job which consumes him 24-7. This was my first marriage and his third.
Thank you, Kay.
It seems that your relationship was heading for the rocks for some time. He did not know how to love you or treat you in a way that you, or any woman, it seems, could accept and blossoming with.
Are you having trouble sleeping? Is it anxiety or depression or is it both?
Do you worry about how your life will go now?
All the negative stuff will be gone. It is often lonelier to be in a relationship like yours, then to be alone.
In time you may meet someone who sees the treasure in you and considers you to be his precious friend.
You should not accept anything less than that.
It is difficult to break a bond which is a habit, but you have a home, and your integrity, and you will go through a grieving process, which is normal and expected, and come out positive on the other side.
There is a big part of me that does not want to let go and that keeps me stuck. To move back to my home is 400 miles away and if he changes his mind, I wont be here. I have to retype everything I just wrote..it just disappeared. It took me 44 yrs to find my first husband. I truly dont think that I will find someone else at my age. I will have to start a new job and everything else. He didnt want to work around the house..which is a rental. I wanted a home of my own. We fought a lot because he would never take responsibility for his problems. It is true that I have never been the happiest of people and I do have a tendency towards the negative. He is tired of that. I am used to being along but everything in my life for the last 12 yrs has had something to do with him.
You cannot base your life on the hope that a man that you didn't get along with that well, who has walked out on you, will come back to you so that you can hang on to a few old habits that go along with a lot of negativity.
Moving 400 miles may be too difficult, but it may open up new opportunities and rekindle old contacts and friendships.
You have other options. If you love where you are living you can perhaps sell your home and buy a new one.
I have a feeling that you are fearful of the future, which is natural, and don't want to make the break (which has already been made for you, apparently).
My sister says the same thing about a new person in my life. She says that he doesnt have the capability to love someone at a mature level. He was an alcoholic for many yrs and I think he stopped developing at a young age, and just never caught up. some of his actions are very immature. He doesnt have much education and I am a professional with a BS degree. He was so delightful at the beginning. So helpful with my house. As soon as I moved in, I could tell a difference in his tone of voice. He spoke down to me a lot, especially when the discussion got personal.
It is probably too late for marriage therapy so that you two can communicate. From what you say, it is way too late for that, if you could even get him to consider it.
Your sister knows you, and I have heard your story and have come to the same conclusion. You cannot change him. He comes from a different kind of a background. He was a novelty that wore off long ago and soon you will count your blessings that he is gone. I am sure of that.
I did want to make the break until something just changed my mind in Dec. I started having these close feelings for him. Maybe because he was gone all the time. Maybe my track record only wants a person who cant committ to me. I did not have much alone time before. He was there everynite watching tv and sleeping like a lump on the sofa. He is very committed to his job for which he has 24 responsibility...and makes him feel very important. Apparently I just yelled at him all the time. I would call him at work and yell at him about something. He says everyone in the office could here me, which I have a hard time believeing. Which brings up the fact that I cannot trust him because he will say one thing and then say he never said that. Sometimes I do wonder if that is something missing in his mind. I have a book and I say a program on Barnes and noble about relationship recovery. I wanted to go to counseling but never could find someone. Too expensive to try bunches of folks. I just happened upon this a few months ago.
Here are a couple of books on the subject. Perhaps you can find inspiration here:
I am currently living in the same area that I grew up in. It has gotten even worse then it was before. Too many people and too much stress. I moved away to Northern Cal and I like it much better up there. Slower. People you can trust. But for some reason, my gut just says not to go. Which I dont understand because I was desparately wanted to go back prior to the last few month. I just found out last thur that he plans to move out next week. So this weekend has been difficult. It hurts so bad I feel like I can hardly breath. Today I felt almost light headed and as a nurse get paranoid that something physical is wrong. I know anxiety can have these effects.
These are panic attacks. You can control with alprazolam as needed. Ask you doctor.
I am known for breaking out and doing new things. But I am getting older and things are not as easy. I get concerned about growing old alone. I worry about health insurance. I thought this man had loved me his whole life and that has been in my mind for 40 yrs. Now he is walking away. I am crushed.
You have been getting older and being alone in a real sense.
There are many wonderful relationships that don't start until the people are in their late fifties or sixties. These are people who have finally figured it out.
Don't be afraid. You need to live your life, and you need to learn to be less critical, as it seems your may have been part of the problem, or you just may have been reacting because he didn't give you the love you needed.
I have a script for ativan but after being lightheaded was worried about taking it. I spoke to another counselor a few months ago and he said that marriage counseling probably would not help unless he would go to counseling on his own. He was an alcoholic and stopped drinking but I dont think he grew up after that.
He will not go to counseling, and he does not have the maturity to do anything except walk away, which is the act of giving up without trying. I say that it is too late for this relationship, but
IT IS NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU, KAY !
I am very critical of myself and I guess of others. I have never been the happiest of people. I work a job that does nothing for me except it is fairly easy for nursing and it pays the bills. I have turned my back on things that I really enjoy because of fear and the fact of money.
Many of us are pushed into the economic survival mode.
You are getting a new lease on life.
How can someone go from spouting that they love you all the time to just stopping and walking out. He says he has been alone for the last 5 yrs. we could never talk about anything. This is soooo painful. how could someone be in a marriage for this long and not want to work on it.
What do you mean by a new lease on life?
You are in denial about this. He said those things and meant them in a sense, but he could not stay in the relationship despite his love for you. Lots of people have miserable relationships and still have love for each other, but that is not enough. Love is not just feeling or habit, but is action as well.
A new lease on life means that you have the chance to have a different kind of life now, the old life seems to have blown away with the winds of change.
He did not know how to work on it. It never seemed to work. He gave up. Do you really think you could change things now and both of you be happy for this day forward?
There comes a time that a person realizes that the only way to move is forward, even if the path is not clear.
How else can I help you, Kay?
I am still here trying to help you.
If you have left the chat, then I shall switch over to Q & A mode in about 5 minutes. I have been with you for about an hour and a half.
I know that you help others in your work. You are a caregiver and not always every person you help responds to you in a positive way.
I hope that I have helped you some, and if so please let me know.
Thank you so much.
I shall keep you in my prayers.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Thank you. May God bless you and allow you to flourish and blossom.