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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My daughters husband is having a full on affair. Moved away

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My daughters husband is having a full on affair. Moved away from the house, but keeps our daughter in the hope he need to sort himself out and they have to grow together again.
On the weekend he took her out with their two children (a girl 11 and a boy 6) and my daughter is over the moon. Unloaded them in their home and went to his new place with the new women. He is akting in a diabolical manner, as he takes the children for stayovers and then the new women is not there. So Our daughter more convinced that he is by himself. The have been married for 20 years, but he has always without a real coneccion, travelling as lot for long periods of time.
Our problem is that we think out daughter should know, but we don;'t want to be the ones to tell her. This is probably not enough information, as I could go on and on. But something. What do you think? They are also lots of material advantages he has taken from us, even businesses have been transferred in good faith! Please gide me if you can!
Our daughter is convinced that he is by himself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your daughter and her family situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you described is very serious since it shows you have no doubt about the her husband's affair-s, dishonest and manipulation, while she remains "unaware" of reality fooled by very skillful and long term manipulations. At the same time you said that you want her to find out about this reality, but that you do not want to be the ones telling her about it. You did not specify the reasons for you not to want to tell her about it. M recommendation is for you to reflect on how serious this situation happens to be, how much it has and will continue to impact on their lives if she remains blind to what is truly going on.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do always recommend parents not to get into adult children's marital issues, but in a scenario like this it seems obvious to me that it is necessary, fair and wise to support her in order for her to take better care of herself, children and life, once the neglect and abuse she has been undergoing according to your message are truly serious.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your responsibility would be to offer the best emotional support and guidance, for her to make her own choices and take concrete actions to ensure their integrity and well-being. Nobody but her has the power to choose what and how she wants to cope with it and she is the one literally shaping their reality depending on her choices and actions. It seems essential for her to get all the best possible feedback, support and guidance she could get, and as parents I believe you should pay that role too, respecting boundaries, limits between you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes, but what you also can probably help how to handle it/approach. I am scared as it's going to cause lots of hurt. I forgot to mention that they also have a business together and she carries most of the responsability of it. In my mind the situation is very complicated. I also fear of his reaction towards our daughter and family.

Customer:

Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thanks for replying

Customer:

It seems as I rated a bad service, what is not the case quite on the contrary, but i want an answer to mi next question. Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Without doubt there is no way not to face painful experiences while addressing these serious issues, but denying or avoiding take assertive action would only promote and enable further abuse and neglect, so extra suffering your daughter nor her children need nor deserve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


But can you please give me a tipo on how to approach this? She told me when they separated not to get involved. But now we have proof of his infidelity!


 


 

You would invite her to dialogue in a respectful, empathic and caring way. If she is unwilling to do it, then you could send her a letter telling her, with the same assertive approach about these concrete proofs you have, explaining that you choose to take this initiative because of the seriousness of the situation and the evidence you got. You would tell her that you totally respect her choices and what she finally does with her relationship and life, but wanted to make sure you did your best to support her.

If after you do this she chooses to disregard you and your support, then you would continue to respect the boundaries she has set. Letting her know what you know, showing such proofs does not mean you are trying to manipulate her or choose for her, but you just want to be responsible and caring informing her of something real you have proof about.

She is an adult, and she chooses to disregard it, that's her choice and she would have to learn from further pain, and as frustrated and sad as it ma sound, it would be necessary for her to mature and grow as an individual, parent and woman too. You would continue to be there to support her with your guidance and unconditional affection. That's the best you can do about it.

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