I would like to help you with your question.
I am sorry this is happening. First, let me tell you that this is a very common problem in relationships as it is sometimes very difficult to let go of our past hurts and we end up dragging them into future partnerships.
It is important for you to come to realize that this person is not that other person and that what happened then does not mean it will happen again. What you are doing is painting this person with the same brush as the other guy....and that is unfair to this new person. He deserves to be who he is. And you deserve to see this relationship as new and different...not the same old, past.
And certainly if you keep thinking about what happened in the past..it is going to impact your today. A today that needs to be free of that old experience.
Would you consider couple's therapy as a way to work through this? That is certainly one approach. In couple's therapy you would be helped to separate the past from today. And helped to see the uniqueness of this new relationship.
Alternatively, you might consider individual therapy as a way to heal the wounds from being cheated on so that you stop bringing it into your today and your future. Certainly you were hurt by the cheating and it has you fearful that you will be treated like that again.
i just need to know how to put these thoughts out of my head i know that my new man isnt going to cheat but it wont go away
What about going to therapy so that you can work with a therapist to understand why the cheating had such a strong and lasting impact on your thinking..would you consider that?
Have you had other experiences in life where you felt abandoned or mistreated?
Maybe in your home, at school, at work...
i was bullied badly at school
Can you tell me a bit about that...
i was fat with red hair and glasses and was ridiculed from a very early age up until i left school only recently that ive realised that i have the balls to stand up for myself
I am very sorry that this was your school experience. I can only imagine how hurtful and horrible this was for you.
And certainly this experience had a long-lasting impact on how you saw yourself, how you experienced the world, and what you learned about relationships.
Hurrah for learning how to stand up for yourself!!!
Have you ever had any therapy to heal these old wounds?
nope nothing at all just got on with it didnt think that it would affect me as it has
Okay...so now that you see the connection between how you are feeling today and that past bullying..do you see that it might be good to consider some therapy?
i suppose so i have thought about it in the past but just never done anything about it will this help with my relationship issues as well
Absolutely...if you clean up this part of your history..you will feel freer and more able to stay "in the present" in your new relationship.
I suggest you do a bit of reading to about bullying and its impact on one's life.
One good book I would suggest is:
Secrets, Lies and Betrayals by Maggie Scarf
Give me a minute to find another resource for you...
This appears to be a very good article on the subject.
Is there more I can help you with today or do you feel that I was able to give you some direction?
that was great thankyou i will try and get hold of a copy of the book and read the article you mentioned thankyou for your help
You are very welcome!