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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I suffer from low self esteem. I have destructive relationships

Resolved Question:

I suffer from low self esteem. I have destructive relationships with men> My parents had a bad marriage and I believe that contributed to this as I have no idea how to conduct myself in a relationship.
What can I do to get help?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am sorry to hear you are suffering from destructive relationships, and I shall do my best to help you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

How would you characterise your parents' relationship, and your father's treatment of your mother?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

A lot is learned in relationships by a child in her formative yhears.

Customer:

Their relationship is non existent. they hardly speak to one another and the first time i noticed a couple really communicating it was totally alien to me. He has treated her very badly over the years. she is a wonderful woman but he has ruined her confidence

Customer:

Are you responding?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Sorry. There was slow computer transmission.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He has also hurt YOUR confidence. You experienced this negativity as your "normal" from childhood.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Can you see a counsellor where you live, who is professional and experienced?

Customer:

Indeed so I have not developed healthy relationships with men. I had a long term relationship with a man who abused my kindness and trust. I recently met a man but he has turned out not great. He doesnt communiate well and when we have disgreements I find myself apologising just to keep him happy....

Customer:

I dont think so. I go to England very often and I am looking to see one there and possibly follow up with Skype/telephone sessions. I am willing to work with a therapist anywhere, via skype/ohone calls and will foot the bills for the phone calls of course. I need help before its too late

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have a list of therapists for you in England.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here is a place to look:

http://www.psychfinder.co.uk/


Here is another:

http://members.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/


Here is a third place:

http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/


And a fourth place:



http://www.cosrt.org.uk/find_therapist.asp

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I also have some excellent books to recommend on raising self-esteem and on relationships.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I can give you some links to www.amazon.co.ukl

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dr. Fennell is one of the best experts and writers in the field.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Dr Melanie Fennell (16 Apr 2009)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What is happening in your relationships with men? Do they abuse you emotionally or physically?

Customer:

Thank you. My case is way beyond literature. I need contact. I will use your links for referals. You havent said much about my condition though

Customer:

Sorry, just saw your question.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

OK. We are on the same page.

Customer:

Mental. I have never been in a physically abusive relationship.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What happens? Where do things turn bad?

Customer:

With the last one, almost from the very beginning really. He is a chronic womaniser....he seeks adoration and total loyalty.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

A narcissist. Why did you go with him?

Customer:

With the one i dated for many years.....he was mentally very abusive and manipulative. A very big liar! Not a true word came out of his lips.

Customer:

Yes a bigtime narcissist! I dont know - he is good looking, wealthy, funny and I must add - married

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Also a narcissist. The biggest liars and manipulators.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Was your father a narcissist?

Customer:

Hmmmm....I dont think so. I think he suffers from low self esteem though

Customer:

I guess if he was maybe to my mum.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And did he raise it by being abuse to others?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

abusive

Customer:

He was always disagreeing with his colleagues/friends. Always finding fault in others, and if someone was more successful than he was, he felt they were looking down on him. he was mentally abusive to his kids in some ways and on the other hand very kind...a contradiction of sorts

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Narcissists hate people who are more successful than they are.

Customer:

Really? Maybe he is one then.....

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

They compensate by finding fault in others

Customer:

I found that with the last guy...I was always trying to please him. It was a disaster!

Customer:

Why do I go for these type of men?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

They control people by being abusive, often mentally, and this gives them what they need, which we call "narcissistic supply".

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are, in a sense, always trying to have a good relationship, and please your father.

Customer:

Interesting....I need a lot of help. I am ready for change. Enough is enough!

Customer:

Really? Please him?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You just need to change your thinking.

Customer:

I would never have thought so.....I guess I dont have a good example

Customer:

Yes I do...how can I do this?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You were often criticised.

Customer:

I am going to find a therapist and go to the UK in the next few days...I can begng and then follow up with calls/kype. I was almost suicidal the other day because I was just fed up!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

By learning to recognise that you seek out people like this, and to avoid them. Raising your self-esteem would help a great deal.

Customer:

Hmmm...interesting. How does one raise one s self esteem?

Customer:

You know I have decided I do not want to get married

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are not mentally ill. You have been emotionally injured and never was given a good sense of the way relationships COULD be.

Customer:

I guess so....I need to change this ASAP.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You raise your self-esteem by learning from a therapist, from reading brilliant books like Dr. Fennell's that I cited, and by trial and error.

Customer:

Ok.....do you offer sessions on Skype?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have done the trial and error and now you have to re-examine what has occurred.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Unfortunately I cannot give out my contact information because of my agreement with JustAnswer. I would lose my job. Otherwise I would be delighted to help you.

Customer:

Total failure...thats what has happened. Today I feel really strong and havent heard from him at all. I am hoping I can keep this up so it can finally end

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

YOU can control the situation and determine whether or not you really even want to hear from him.

Customer:

oh what a pity!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What is a pity?

Customer:

I cannot work with you

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Yes, I am so sorry.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I can only work here.

Customer:

I dont want to hear from him. He had become aloof and nasty anyway. So i started behaving in excatly the same way to him. I also notice that sometimes when I am angry with him rather than tell him I would bottle it all up and react after a day or two....

Customer:

Can I come here and specifically ask for you then? from time to time

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you don't want to hear from him then just shut the door and don't let him back in.

Customer:

Yes thats what I need to do. Should I delete him from my blackberry messenger?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Of course you can come to talk to me. I am here just about everyday.

Customer:

I dont want him to speak about me in anger as he is married and I wouldnt want to soil my reputation. He is that much of a narcissist

Customer:

Fabulous! I will have to do that then

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Just ask FOR ELLIOTT at the top of the question and it will come to me. If I am online and not with a client I shall talk to you immeciately.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

immediately.

Customer:

Ok. I will def do that

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He is the married one and has to worry about HIS reputation.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is fabulous. I shall look forward to talking to you whenever you need me.

Customer:

In my society ( I am Nigerian) men get away with murder. its considered normal for a man to have extra marital affairs. There are so many women with all the wealth in the world here but awful marriages and low self esteem. thats one of the reasons I do not want to get married

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It sounds like a good choice.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have Nigerian friends and know the culture somewhat.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

At least through them.

Customer:

Yes. I do not think I can handle it. Many of my friends are so unhappy. We are well educated and great women but the men are idiots!

Customer:

So you have a fair idea what I am on about then....

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

A little bit. You are a unique human being first of all. But I know you have a lot of spirit, and it needs to be allowed to soar.

Customer:

Indeed...I have to heal and stop this pattern. Its taken its toll on me. When I met this guy, I just threw caution to the wind....I knew deep down he was a wrong choice but I went on anyway.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You will learn to hold back and follow your sound instincts instead of going down a path that will only lead to pain and heartache and being victimized

Customer:

from a good therapist?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What do you mean?

Customer:

Learning to hold back and follow my sound instincts?

Customer:

I am 40 but I am emotionally very very immature.

Customer:

I find that I hold back my anger instead of expressing it at the right time or I act up

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You will catch up. You will get your voice and then nobody will manipulate you any longer.

Customer:

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX I am so very tired of the cycle

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are very intelligent, quite competent, have no apparent mental problems. You are just used to being a victim.

Customer:

Victim mentality....what a shme!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You will learn new behaviour.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

We have ALL been victimized sometime.

Customer:

Thats my hope.I just need to find a therapist to work with. Yes I guess some people broke out while others remaied

Customer:

remained in bondage

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You choose narcissists. Narcissists do NOT have the capability of feeling empathy for others. It is lacking. They cannot learn it , but only fake it. They are sociopaths.

Customer:

Its funny because they are both very generous people. Always seeking to donate to charity. having said that I guess thats for their personal gain.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Makes them important, beloved, and polishes their public image. Most of our "great" leaders and philanthropists are narcissists. They love the spotlight, the prestige, the power, THE CONTROL.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

They love to be celebrated for their generosity when often they are evil-doers.

Customer:

makes a lot of sense...

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You would do well to have a relationship with someone mature enough and not programmed by the mass media, to recognise you as a real person - for your beauty, charm, value, intelligence, and learning. There are people who would see your soul and find you precious and wonderful.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is the kind of friends that you should have in your life - and they are out there !

Customer:

I believe they are out there....I have to work on self first though and hopefully then embark on a decent relationship

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I know that you will succeed.

Customer:

I believe i will. I will begin my search tomorrow. Thanks for your help

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep you in my prayers. I have no doubt that you will succeed.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Get the self-esteem book (probably available in Kindle edition which you can save and read on your computer).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are so very welcome. It is been a great honour to talk to youl

Customer:

Please do.I will be back in few days

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Great. I shall look for you.

Customer:

enjoy the rest of the evening

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You too.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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