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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My mom passed away a few months ago. She was my best friend

Customer Question

My mom passed away a few months ago. She was my best friend and that only person I could trust with everything. I have never been so depressed in my life. Because to make it worse my husband is always mad at me, yelling at me. My Dad went to Iraq after my mom passed away and my brothers havent talked to me in months. I have no friends. My husband doesnt understand and doesnt want to understand me and what I am going through. We are fighting more and more, and they even get physical. But it all started when i lost my mom. I feel so alone and I have a 6 yr old to take care of too. I do take care of him. But with my husband being mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards me because Im so depressed, what do I do? I have all the signs of Depression, he hates I cant fall asleep when he does. But I cant help it. I just dont know what to do anymore. What should I do, Or what should I say or something? Im lost
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I think that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are suffering from depression. Some of it is brought about by grief because of your mom's passing.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So much of it is situational, due to your emotional and physical abuse at the hands of your husbandl]

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

No woman should be abused this way. You are suffering a great loss, you are the mother of his child and doing a good job caring for him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This is the time that you need support more than ever, but instead you are given more burdens and have to carry the load of grief and depression without support.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Even your depression-driven insomnia has become an issue.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You need a man who nurtures you, supports you, and lifts you up. This man pushes you further down into mud when you have fallen - the place of despair.

Customer:

Exactely

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you go to a doctor all you will get is something to suppress your symptoms.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You need for your husband to wake up and see how much he needs you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

A little bit of support would go such a long way and he does just the opposite and makes things much worse.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Are you able to continue in this relationship?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you need a break do you have somewhere to go?

Customer:

i try to talk to him but i just keep repeating myself over and over again. I even tried to write it in letters to see if that would be easier for him to understand so he didnt have to hear it from me. He just had to read it. But its still the same

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He doesn't want to take any responsibility to be a husband and a partner, even though it is for his son as well.

Customer:

I dont know if i can, I want to be with him. I love him and i cant picture my life without him. But he is making me this way

Customer:

I dont deserve this

Customer:

especially since he knows how close me and my mom were.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have a few options. One of them is to do nothing, but I think that you have tried that long enough.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He is still jealous of the relationship, perhaps.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Will he go to counseling with you?>

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He is the one who apparently has to make some changes, but he seems to be stubborn and perhaps very immature and selfish.

Customer:

We live in my parents house right now. We moved here a month before she passed. and she passed very sudden. She wasnt sick or anything. But my mom is gone and sometimes he'll throw that in my face and tell me that i need to get over it already and move on because were broke and and he hates me like this and i need to move on. How can I move on from all of this? Everything? him? my mom? my dad leaving right after? everything.... It's impossible to do it alone

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You can get all of the counseling, and read all of the great books on communication, but if he is not a willing participant in this process, then nothing will change.

Customer:

ive been trying and its just got me even further behind. he wont do any counceling. We did it one time and he just wont do it again. He said that we should do it together

Customer:

He wont really

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I was afraid of that.

Customer:

We tell eachother what each of us wants from one another. One of us will try and do eveything the other wants and he doesnt do anything

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Would you be better off without him? It is all about him and not about the three of you.

Customer:

Then I just get frustrated of trying so hard and trying to prove that I can, that I just sometime think whats the point? Then he'll all of a sudden start showing me things I want from him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he do those positive things just as a temporary measure to stop you from leaving him?

Customer:

We go back and fourth. He is so selfish. I have a not so good past and so im afraid that he might use that against me if we separated in court for custody of my son

Customer:

yea

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Are they issues that he could really use or is he just blowing smoke?

Customer:

I think once he sees me just give up. But when he does show me. He over does it. I dont want a very emotional all touchy lovy dovy guy.

Customer:

I think both maybe... I dont know

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The best advice about what he could or could not do would be from a local attorney.

Customer:

He does say alot but never does anything about it. But God forbid if I say something and dont do it? its WW!!!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Any man who hits his woman has crossed that essential line, and you should not take it anymore, and warn him

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you are worried about a custody battle, and are in WWIII, then you might have to make a legal case out of him hitting you.

Customer:

He'll turn things around on me when he knows that he was in the wrong. Ill try to talk to an old friend on Facebook and he's always 24/7 lookin over my shoulder. sneaking in my phone when im sleeping. I have warned him, and then he just threatens me or he'll email my dad about everything, when he knows how much of our fighting stresses my dad out. and my dad is in Iraq, He doesnt need anymore stress

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you have bruises, or if you leave a hidden miniature recording device to capture how he behaves. I know this sounds extreme, but you need to protect your custody rights.

Customer:

its hard to do a legal case though. or to think about it. Because it is my sons father and I have known him for about 12 years and been married for almost 7 years.

Customer:

I know I do

Customer:

And the thing is, its like I know what to do, but when I tell him he just gets mad or just takes it the wrong way

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You may have to choose between going on the strong defensive or losing custody.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are unable to communicate, and that being the case, you will never settle your differences.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He may have a lot to say about your past but can he prove it, and would he?

Customer:

I know that. and I think he does too. We both have said that we need to work on it but it never happens

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If he can't walk the walk then its no more than empty talk.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does your son witness all of this fighting?

Customer:

he might try, only becuase of his mom. She gives him advice or tips. But Im not sure, because of the things he'll say to me sometimes is just so cruel. And then a couple hours later he asks whats wrong with me and why Im being distant from him. He acts like nothing happened

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he boss other people around? Always like to be in charge? Likes to be admired? Top dog?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does he have feeling for other people? For you?

Customer:

LOL!!! He was never like that ever. Actually when we first got married for the first couple years I wore the pants pretty much. I was the boss. But thats because his mom didnt teach him how to be a man lol. But about 4 yrs ago i did have an affair and then he started thinking that he can always throw that on me everytime. I know i messed up. But I thought we were passed that, and then my mom passed away and I start having mental and medical problems like seizures even. And He just goes back to being a silly ass

Customer:

noone else I know for sure. and i know he loves me, but i know he doesnt like me or he may even hate me. But then why doesnt he tell me he wants to leave either

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He tells you every day ! ! ! !

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Not with words, because he is a coward, but with deeds, with anger, with words that cut like a knife, and with his hands or fists or however he abuses you,.

Customer:

yea

Customer:

Im just so hurt and so frustrated about so much

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Sometimes one partner can drive the other one to be unfaithful because they are not faithful emotionally.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I hear that.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you have someone - a sister, aunt, best friend, cousin? Someone who you can turn to?

Customer:

No one

Customer:

thats what makes it even harder

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Nowhere in the world?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What do you want to do?

Customer:

I have two brothers, and a sister. I havent talked to them in three months

Customer:

They are always too busy or they say they will call me back but then they never do

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It's time to start talking to them. You need them and they are family.

Customer:

Everyone does that to me

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you tell them that you need help and support?

Customer:

I call a couple times a week and even txt. its always the same thing

Customer:

My oldest brother just tells me that Im a baby and that I need to grow up, the other one wont talk to me because he listens to my eldest brother and always believes him. my sister is 10 yrs older then me and she has a husband and her own life over there. We all live in different states. So the last time we even saw eachother was during my moms memorial, last MAY

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Talk to your sister. Tell her about how you are being abused. She is a woman and she will understand. You have to use the resources that you have.

Customer:

I have told her, she tells me that I shouldnt be with him. and to leave him. She said until that happens dont call her and complain about my marriage to her

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There are resources available. Talk to abuse hotlines, priests, ministers, social workers. I know that these are not solid leads but you need something.

Customer:

That's why I'm here talking to you

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Call your sister and tell her that you think that her advice is good. Enlist her.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Ask her how to make the break.

Customer:

ITs hard to talk to any of them now about anything

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Tell her you feel lost and you know that she is older and wiser and you are the only person who will listen to you and help. She can't say that she is not and will try.

Customer:

I have to go now. My husband just got up and he's going to get mad at me being on the computer this late

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Necessity is the mother of invention, so you will have to find a way, because this is not good for you and not good for your son

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

OK.

Customer:

Thank You so Much

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I'll close the chat and you can get back tomorrow.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

God bless you.

Customer:

Sounds Good

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are in my prayers.

Customer:

:)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Thanks :)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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