Hi Kate. How are you? It has been a rough week. Last week rose and I discussed my feelings for those guys & I said I didn't know b/c I didn't think about it. She said I did
know inside - I just refused to acknowledge it. she is right. We talked about my anger a bit & about what it meant if I didn't blame myself - & I said it would mean that things were random, people were really bad, & that it could happen again. We both felt like we had hit on some stuff & I thought it was good progress, although I felt terrible after it. I saw Linda on Mon., & had told her about it on the phone earlier. She thought we shoul break it up into small parts and work on it. We talked about anger, and I was feeling it and started crying. Then, from out of nowhere, I just switched into a very real flashback - it was like I was there. It was the first time he was using the bottle & I thought I was there. I had covered my ears hard (which I do a lot hen I have nightmares
) and although Linda knew what was happening, nothing she was trying worked - she said she was saying all sorts of things, and pretty loudly, but I couldn't hear her. Ah was afraid to touch me b/c she thought it mightily it worse. At some point, I did head her voice, which didn't fit in, & I started to come out of it. I was disoriented, but she helped me out of it and
& to not go back into it. It was really scary @ embarrassing. She asked if I heard anything she had said & thought it unusual that I was totally not in the room in my mind. She asked about what I had experienced & what part. She said I was totally tensed up, but go more tense and moved as though I was "receiving blows" - I know what she meant & was glad that's how she put it. She felt so bad b/c she couldn't get me out of it more quickly, but what was she supposed to do? I calmed down fairly quickly. But I was mortified that happened in front of Her and don't know why it happened at all. She called on my way home and said she thought it was b/c I had been feeling my anger a bit an my mind switched to what I'd been most angry about. We agreed that she'd call rose & tell her what happened & suggest that we do EMDR on that part - since it was on the surface. I told her I wanted to make sure that didn't happen with rose. She called the next day and she an rose had spoken and agreed about the EMDR & that rose had a lot of tools to keep me in the present. Rose had a different opinion of what happened - that The anger is so huge that I can't deal with it and when I touched it, my mind went somewhere else. I don't agree - I would hope my mind would choose to go to a more pleasant place in thr event. Linda didnt agree w/ rose, but nine of us really know, I guess. She said rose would talk to me about it on wed. But when I went to my session w/ rose, she sad
nothing - just asked what I wanted to do, and I thought up her conversation with Linda and sai I agreed - and that I had been looking at things a bit differently since the week before. She asked how, & I tried to explain, but she didn't understand. I tried several more times, but was obviously not describing it well. I was really frustrated and upset, & I give up & asked her if I could leave. I was so upset and discouraged. I didn't talk to Linda after that & decided to cancel my sessions with both of them next week. I had an aptmt w/ dr m yesterday. I decided to tell her about all of it, and that I should tell her about the cutting, too. She was very good about it and understood my frustration and feelings and that it was difficult and embarrassing for me to tell her about the cutting thing. She said the more I have shared, the more she has realized that I have obsessive compulsive personality behaviors. Linda has said I have obsessive thinking and ruminate. & she agrees, but says she is seeing more compulsive behavior, including the cutting (which I did tell her was a compulsion, but not impulsive, since I took time to prepare, etc. ). She thi JA she is going to put me on something else in ace of the Zoloft - something for the o/c stuff. But she wants to talk to Linda first. She is going to call her and then talk to rose before my aptmt w/ rose on tues. she asked me not to cancel my sessions next week and she would call me after she talks to each of them.
I really felt like she was taking control of things is going to try to coordinate all 3 of them better and come up with a plan and knows that it is important for me to be involved in the making of the plan and being totally informed. She said that all of this stuff is making me feel more out of control. She said she was glad I td her about the cutting & shame is a strong feeling, but to try to know I don't need to feel that w/ her, & that she was glad I trusted her w/ it & it was important for her to know. She said what I feel I normal - except the explodinch feelings & the cutting, but they can help w/ that.
I am curious to know your thoughts about his and also about the bad flashback & why.