Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about your situation.
Your message shows how shocking it's been for you to get this "requests" from your husband, which seem to go against your personal value and belief systems. Aren't these requests in conflict with the nature of your marriage, or do you happen to have an open marriage allowing this type of behavior? I'd truly appreciate if you could clarify this scenario for me to respond your question.
It is not an open marraige and I am a Christian. he seems unable to help it?
I see. It's a very serious and painful situation then. You are adults and my assumption is that you have been living and building a life together based on a relationship and life style based on your religious beliefs, and that this behavior is something new for you, and that's why it's that shocking and perhaps overwhelming, since it goes against every basic principle around respect, sensitivity, caring, understanding and love based on it.
There are many reasons that could lead a person to develop such behaviors, but regardless of the roots of it, it is clear he is totally disregarding the impact his choices around his new approach to your sexual life is having on you and your marriage.
He is obviously disregarding your feelings, core values, needs and expectation in your marital life, since he is expecting you to go against yourself - values in order to sexually please him, what would be totally unacceptable since your marriage began and has developed with time based in totally different morals and values, those he is apparently totally dismissing.
Thank you for joining the chat.
Could you please tell me for how long you have been married and how long ago did he start presenting these behaviors?
Are you aware of any concrete issues or stressors in your lives that could be related to this dramatic changes?
24 years. It started gradually but these have escalated in the last 2 years.
Has he been using pornography on a regular basis or presented other sexual behavior incompatible with your values and commitment?
He has been using pornography on the internet and goes for massages which he claims are just that.
I see, and have you been confronting these behaviors all this time but got mostly excuses and justifications? What has he been telling you about them when confronted?
If I refuse to go with him I'm afraid he'll go behind my back and then I won't be there to try and protect him from going further sexually. He gets defensive and angry and retreats from me. Then apologises and it all starts all over again.
Am I right in not wanting to have this in my relationship? I'm depressed.
The fact that he has been asking you to engage in such behaviors with other women clearly shows his sexual behavior and personal values have changed and do allow -justify his actions. I am sorry but what you are reporting is very serious, shows very manipulative and abusive behavior, where you feel pushed to allow such behaviors out of fear.
What do I do?
Absolutely, the scenario you describe shows very abusive and manipulative behaviors from your husband, and when in a relationship there is not even basic mutual respect and caring for your feelings, it would be impossible for it to work, to be a healthy and fulfilling marriage.
First thing I do recommend is for you to look for professional individual counseling in order to get the best possible support to better cope with this overwhelming reality and then to get marriage counseling. Sadly most times in scenarios like this, the spouse refuses to get any professional support since not even acknowledging his own wrong doings.
Thanks for verifying my deepest fear. He's otherwise a wonderful man with many talents. And I love him very much.
But you can and should only try to control what depends on you while offering the best possible support and willingness to work on healing the relationship, but if he even refuses to recognize the serious issues here and take full responsibility for his actions, then it would be hopeless.
It could have become a real addiction, around pornography, sex and codependency, and he is the only one with the power to choose if eh wants to change for good and rehabilitate from hem or to get deeper into them. Denial, avoidance, justification and manipulation would only perpetuate his dysfunctions, but you need to take good care of yourself as much as possible. Please look for professional individual counseling and get all the help you can from your "support system", namely those healthy and caring people in your life from family to close friends, since this is a very painful and challenging situation, and you need as much help as you could get to cope with it.
You're welcome. He needs support but he is the only one with the power and the responsibility to get help and to work on himself in order to rehabilitate and heal your marriage. I hope you get the support you need and that he could do the same. Thank you for your trust. Please feel free to contact me back for any further support.