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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
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Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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Trying to understand why my fiance would intentionally set

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Trying to understand why my fiance would intentionally set me up to fail. He has sabotaged opportunities I have had to showcase my talents. As just one example-in my debut singing with a new band, though his entire family showed up on time to watch me perform; he showed up an hour late, sat with his back to the stage texting and then found a way to plug himself with my new band leader suggesting he could play bass for his band?

One other thing is causing me concern and I would like to grasp why he would do this?

He intentionally puts fake employment ads on craigs list that he targets "specifically" to match the interest of people who have crossed him that he knows are desperate for a job. He actually hopes they will respond and when they do he just deletes the ad. He thinks its funny but I find it--well strange?

What would drive him to act like this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

Generally the type of behavior that you have described from your fiance would be driven by some type of insecurity. People who are insecure with themselves often have a hard time seeing other people succeed, even to the point of unconsciously sabotaging them or trying to work his way into the success. This would make sense in the example that you gave of him sabotaging and then finding his way into the band.

This could also explain his behavior with the craigslist ads. He is obviously getting something out of doing this to people, and if he is already insecure in some ways, it may give him a sense of satisfaction or security to see that other people are worse off than he is. Having some control over that and manipulating them in some respects may also make him feel like he holds a certain power over their head. Setting up these other people for failure in this way has most likely become an unhealthy way of making him feel better about himself.
I hope I've been able to answer your question and I definitely wish you the best with all of this. If there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

No offense Ryan but when i signed on and asked the initial question I thought I was submitting it to (and paying) a different expert who was a certified marriage counselor? A woman with that certification and more was highlighted as being online?

That said-- I appreciate your reply and agree with what you stated. I will add now in mid-summer when "I" was desperate for a job --I responded to a craigslist add that described my exact qualifications and what I was looking for "to the T"...I inquired and never heard back and the ad was deleted same day.

Keep in mind, I had no idea my fiance was doing this to others on CL until his brother brought it up with him in a visit to our apartment last week. I have not confronted my fiance about my belief "now" that he was the one who set me up last summer. I am really wondering why someone who professes his love for me would act in such a mean, bullying way? I have caught him in lies and in strange behavior situations before but this is very hurtful. Please advise?

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, I'm sorry for the confusion and I'm not offended, it sounds like your question just didn't get directed to the person you intended. That being said I have spent many years providing marriage counseling so I would not have answered your question if I was not qualified to help. If you are looking for someone else specifically I can opt out.

Otherwise I think it is possible that your husband loves you but still feels compelled to act in this way as well. There are obviously some personal issues that are driving this, and I agree that if he would go through the trouble to set you up on craigslist too, that is a troubling sign. Most likely it has less to do with love, and more to do with these same insecurities that we've been talking about. In that way it's possible for those two feelings to exist simultaneously which is probably why it seems so strange and contradictory. It's certainly possible for him to get past this, but a large part of that depends on him admitting that this is unhealthy and working on the issue. If he would see a therapist by himself or with you, that would be the ideal way of approaching this, but even just acknowledging that this is a problem would provide a good place to start.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ryan I trust your qualifications and appreciate your replies. I will happily pay you but have this additional reply.

I get the insecurity issue but he has a solid teaching career, great paying job, is buying his own condo so it appears the only area he is insecure is with me in our relationship?

I have caught him in some serious lies before but not sure he will ever see he needs to address his issues in counseling. Maybe marriage not the right call this coming Fall?

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
While it's possible that he is insecure in your relationship, I wouldn't assume that's the case just because he appears to have it all together in other areas. A lot of people suffer from low self esteem, or poor self confidence, even if on the outside they appear to be extremely well adjusted in all areas. So while it's possible there are some insecurities in regards XXXXX XXXXX relationship, it is also a possibility that this problem has existed even before you entered into his life.

Whether or not that is a dealbreaker in terms of the marriage is hard for me to say. If you get the impression that this is a serious problem and that there's no end in sight, then you may be right to reconsider. At the same time, if he is otherwise a great guy, perhaps this is more of a personality flaw rather than something that will compromise the foundation of your relationship. A lot of the success in the long term is going to come down to trust, and if that's hard to come by, it seems at least worth a serious discussion with him prior to moving forward. All the best,

Ryan
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
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