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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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I am living virtual encounters that my ex is having with other

Customer Question

I am living virtual encounters that my ex is having with other women. Every gory detail. Even if they simply sleep in the same bed, I am awake until they leave. Whatever takes place I am fully involved and in most cases awaken from a sound sleep. Help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I would like and try and assist you with your question. Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The live chat can offer an opportunity to ask additional questions to better assist you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I do have a couple questions that may help me better answer your question.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

How long were you in that relationship, and when did it end?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Was the parting traumatic for you?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Why I ask if it was traumatic, is in what you write, having "virtual encounters" over and over in your head. Do you still reside with your ex- in what you write: "I am awake until they leave"...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

A loss of a relationship can be traumatic for a person, and still being near that person can trigger that trauma over and over, especially when he is with another woman.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This effects your sleep, and may interfere in your day to day functioning. You are consumed with this. If you are still living together; are there no other options for you? It's hurting you over and over again when you know your ex is with other women.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Part of a trauma experience can be a hyper-vigilance, hyper awareness, hyper sensitivity to what is going on with your ex and other women. It's difficult for you to relax and let down your guard. This can create a tremendous amount of stress for you, especially if you are residing with your ex.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like your experience living virtual encounters is becoming obsessive. It's almost as if you are there witnessing what is happening, thinking those thoughts, feeling those feelings. Your experience may seem real, but may not be accurate, truly what is happening.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you have additional information that may better clarify your experience please provide that. I do not want to make assumptions, and want to get it right in order to better assist you.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Ruth,
I'm sorry I missed you, I notice you are off line. Please continue to post comments and questions and I will respond back to you asap. I will be notified when you post.
Thank you for your post, I look forward to your response and additional questions.
Jean
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
No we do not live together. Been friends for 6 years, 1 as a full time couple, 3 as a part time couple and since have been best friends. Never abusive. Problem was his ex when they split she had a nervous breakdown and he felt responsible. They split becuase he had no intention of marrying her and then we met. Had an excellent relationship, soul mates. I say part time because he was nursing her situation and before I knew it they were involved and I walked away. We are still involved in many activities as we share many of the same interests so we are in constant contact. He leads a committee of which I am administration so we have meetings etc.
I'm not there in my dreams. I am awake. I am literally pulled from a deep sleep and have said, not again! and am up until my body has settled down again and if the person stays overnight I do not get back to sleep. It's not in my head, it is as if I am a part of the act.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Ruth,
Thank you for your response back. Is this disturbing to you, upsetting to you? Are you losing sleep over this. You are soul mates, making this a strong connection that you have. It sounds like his wife's mental health drew him back, like you said, he felt somehow responsible. That must have been very painful when he went back to her. It does say something about this man being quite special. He sacrificed a lot in leaving you to nurse her- to care for her, even though he no longer loved her. You sound connected to this person, to the extent that you are experiencing this. There may be such a strong connection that it's difficult to separate yourself from him, and are pulled into his experience, such as when he's with other women. I'm not quite sure how to explain this. A bit unusual, I'd say. Continuing to have contact with him continues this experience for you- do not get away from it since you work together on the committee. If it is causing you a great deal of distress you may consider talking to a therapist.
Do you hang on to the hope that you will again be together?
Jean
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I used to think of the possibility of being with him for life but that is drifting away now. Its so unfortunate because we share the same belief and the same goals. We got along extremely well. He was never married to this person but they were in a relationship for 10 years. He still has no intention of marrying her and she knows this but I guess just having him available to her is sufficient. My life has been on hold for too long now. I need to move on. The other thing is that he talks to me about their situation as a buddy and I am there to listen and give advise. Also he knows what I go through. He has known from the time it started and because of this his activity is very minimal. He says if I were intimate with him he would not touch her at all, but I cannot do that. I'm not that type of girl. lol.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

He still talks about being with me, says he prays to God continually asking for a way out however sometimes God leaves us in situations for a reason. He tells me sometimes when we find ourselves alone after meetings that if he were able he would marry me tomorrow. My experiences are real; when they first started to happen I would ask him if he was intimate between the hours of X and X and he was blown away, as was I. Now each time, which is not that often but has been lately, he will come to me to apologise. Sometimes I feel so drained, again because I am getting no sleep as long as they are together. I mentioned earlier, "until they leave", that is until he leaves there residence or she leaves his. That's when I am able to settle down again.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello Ruth,
You have lots of integrity- love someone so much, but protect and respect yourself by not being intimate. You are a good girl lol. You have that connection and that makes it all the more difficult to "move on". Yes, you deserve to have someone available to you in a relationship vs. waiting, being on hold, wondering if...It must be difficult to be a "buddy" to him when you have all those feelings of love for him.

Identify what you want, what you see in your future, what your future may look like- a happy future. I know it's automatic to think of him, but try and "see" that "someone" else, who could also make you happy- to care and love you equally.

It does take time to grieve the loss of a relationship- it's almost worse than death because you know the person "exhists"- vs. closure with a death. You will go through similar stages of grief with this loss. Do seek out that support you need during this difficult time. Support from a different "buddy" maybe. Might it mean you will create some distance from him for those experiences you describe to lessen??

Take Care,
Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I am so grateful for your time...I have considered dating again and have been seeing a very nice gentleman. He is also very caring and my worry is that he may have strong feelings for me and I am unable to receive him as he would like because of this baggage I am carrying. He is an excellent listener as well but I have not trusted him with this information. I may consider doing it though. He might just be able to help me. If I am able to move on, maybe this might go away.


Again thank you. I feel a lot better just having said something to someone else rather then carrying this all alone.


It was driving me crazy! I'm not so crazy after all. Just needed to say something. Thank you again!

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
You are so welcome, I'm glad I could help. Baggage Shmaggage- we all have that. But yes you are right we have to put some closure on one before we open another. It's exciting considering all the opportunities that lie ahead for you, and as you heal, you will see more of those. It may help to open up a bit with this gentleman, vs. him wondering about what is going on when he senses the distance. I think you are right- moving away from this may help you get a better nights sleep!! I do wish you the best. Let me know if I can help again. I appreciate your post, and enjoyed the chatting- thanks for sharing.
Jean
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

and if you come across another situation such as mine, hopefully I will have been delivered by then and may be able to help you to help someone else.


My situation is rare,I'm sure, but it's real. Thanks again and blessings on your future in this line of work. I've actually felt like I was talking to a friend.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the blessings and the excellent rating- I do appreciate it! Yes I learn the most from people like you- again thank you for that. I'm glad I could help/support a bit.
Blessing to you too!
Jean

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