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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 629
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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hi.i have recently met a new man.he is so lovely to me,it has

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hi.i have recently met a new man.he is so lovely to me,it has only been about 6 weeks but i havent felt this happy in years and years.im not in love but i felt like it was definitly going that way,until i started getting funny feelings only yesterday.i was hoping this wouldnt happen as it happens in every relationship i have had in the last few years.i get anxious and think way to much about it not being right and i think in past relationships it probably wasnt,the others didint make me feel like he does and this feels so right apart from my funny feelings.now to tell you i have been extremly hurt a long time ago,i havent been in love for ten years i have a trust issue i think,i really want to sort this because i like him,he would be very upset if it ended although i have told him what happens to me in every relationship.he said one day you will meet someone right for you and you wont feel like that,i really want that to be him.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

I'm Alicia. Thanks for your question, I'm happy to help you today.

I can understand why you're feeling so anxious about this new relationship, especially because of your previous history and the trouble you feel like you have with trusting people. One thing I picked up on in your message is that you almost seem scared to feel happy, or at least it seems like this to me. This is probably because in the past, when you've felt happy, you've been let down or disappointed by others, so now you're telling yourself (in a sense) that feeling happy is scary. While this makes sense on a certain level, it's also counterproductive to getting what you really want. Keep in mind that you should always take it slow in the beginning of a relationship and try not let your imagination run away on it's own, even if it seems like this guy could possibly be "the one", because if you build up all these expectations in your head (that he might not be able to live up to) then you're, in a sense, only setting yourself up for disappointment. I suppose what I am saying here is that it's important to keep your feet on the ground - but it's also important to try to let yourself take a leap of faith. Sometimes, it's the only way. Try to talk to yourself rationally about this - just take it slow and see what happens. In my opinion, it's too soon for you to know for sure whether it's right or not - and I think those "funny feelings" are coming up now because you're putting so much pressure on yourself and on the relationship. Just take it easy, try to go with the flow and just have fun with him. Enjoy being together without letting your anxiety take over. It's easier said than done, but it takes active effort on your part. Mentally stop your thoughts from running away on their own and just repeat to yourself that you're just giving this guy a chance and seeing where it leads. I might disagree with what he said, though, about you meeting someone right and then you won't feel like this. I think the chances that you feel like this are actually increased because you DO feel like he's right - so you feel like there might be more to lose, if you know what I mean :)

So just give yourself a break and try not to take things so seriously right now. Just try to enjoy spending time together, laugh, joke, have fun and just see where things lead. There's no need to work yourself up about it, and there's no need to let your past control you in the present. I know it's hard, but it's a step you need to take if you want to have a potentially happy and fulfilling relationship with him, or anyone else!

However, if you feel like it's too hard to do this on your own, you might consider talking to a counselor in person to help you through this - just so you have someone who can give you a different perspective and help you deal with the anxiety. And if your past experiences have been really traumatic, it can be helpful to talk to a professional about your feelings, especially if there's anything you feel unresolved about.

I wish you lots of luck. Please let me know if you have any additional questions. Best wishes.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


how do i stop my mind going into overdrive?? i think constantly about all sorts and worry alot about silly things.i have actually been thinkin since meeting him oooh i wonder when my funny feelings will start,and then when i realised how happy i was feeling i thought omg they wont!! im crazy!!

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
I understand, trust me -- but you're not crazy :) It's really hard when you're enthusiastic about a guy like this, because your natural instinct is to start imagining the future and how happy you could be together. It might sound silly, but one of the most effective things to do is to practice relaxation skills, like deep breathing. So when you feel like your mind is starting to go into overdrive, take a mental step back, picture a big STOP sign in your mind and try to focus on taking slow, deep breaths. This should help you calm down a bit - but then you also need to do something active to distract yourself, like turning on the radio or TV, read a book, call a friend or go for a walk. You might have to do this quite a number of times before it works, because your mind is used to running away on its own. Because right now, you're almost worrying about worrying, if that makes sense - like when you say that since you've met him you wonder when your funny feelings will start - and that causes the funny feelings to start! So the same can also work in reverse, but it takes patience and practice. Instead of wondering about the funny feelings and the anxiety, just repeat to yourself that it's all going to be fine. You actually need to have a conversation with yourself like this - even though it's all going on in your head. Tell yourself that it's okay to feel happy. Don't expect the worst - but don't build it up too much in your mind, either. You might also want to do something to let out your excess nervous energy - like running or writing, something active that lets you release these feelings of anxiety and also stops your train of thought. So it's a combination of things - one, relaxation - imagining the stop sign and practicing deep breathing (you might want to read this article about practicing deep breathing:
http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html
although it doesn't need to be complicated) so that you feel calmer when these feelings of anxiety hit. Two - do something active to distract yourself. Three, reassure yourself that it's okay to take a leap of faith and try to trust him.

Keep in mind, also, that it's not weird that you feel like this, given your past experiences. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, because it's never easy to learn trust again. But you also have to try to let go of feeling like you need to control the situation and just try and let yourself enjoy the experience and have fun getting to know each other. Don't talk about this stuff with him, you don't want to push him away at such an early stage in your relationship by discussing your fears - the relationship isn't a therapy session -- but just try and focus on doing things together and talking about yourself and the things you enjoy, and getting to know him, too. Sometimes just taking the focus off anxiety lessens its power, so that's the goal by doing all of these things.

Good luck, and again, just let me know if you have any more questions.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i do know though if there was no him there would be no funny feelings!! i have thought about being single forever!! also he has cheated in the past that plays on my mind!! and also years ago he kissed one of my friends and i have been thinking about that how i never want him to meet her again,she is a good friend and on my birthday im thinkin not to invite her because i dont want them to meet :(

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Well that information brings a whole new light to the situation - but you have to make a decision - do you truly want to be with him or not? That's a question only you can answer. You have some good reasons - him cheating in the past, for example - which might raise a red flag - but it's also not a guarantee that he's going to do it to you. This is all the more reason to take it slow and not let your imagination run away with you. Perhaps he was immature in the past or not serious about the girl he cheated on - there are a lot of reasons that can explain (but not justify) his behavior. But you do have to ask yourself if that's something you can deal with - you don't want to be in a relationship with him 6 months down the road and still be wondering if he's going to cheat on you. That's a recipe to make you insane - and then it's not worth it. But you have to answer that question yourself and look deep inside to see if you truly want to take the chance with him. It might be worth it, it might not - but there's only one way to know for sure. But keep in mind that he's not the only guy in the world. You might want to keep your options open and not enter a committed relationship with him at this point. There's nothing wrong with that if your gut is telling you that it's not right. Now, the fact that he kissed you friend a long time ago doesn't have to be a huge issue - but I can also understand how this would bother you on a certain level. Again - you can't change the past, and you can't control how either of them is going to act. So the real question is whether you feel like he is truly trustworthy, and you're just having the jitters - or you feel like there's something about him that makes you feel like not taking the risk, that your gut is telling you to stay away. I hope that makes sense, and I think you need to take some quiet time to just really give some thought to whether you want to take the risk to be with him or not! There's no guarantee that it's going to turn out well - but there's no guarantee that it won't - so that's the part that requires a bit of faith (if you feel like he's worth it.)
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 629
Experience: Specializing in mental health counseling
Alicia_MSW and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i do believe he has changed,grew up alot he is a dad too,a brilliant one.he is a few years younger than me too,i like them young :) i think there is something special about him,i dont want to ruin it.even if he hadnt cheated in the past i still think i would think he might like i have done in the past thought it bout every bf iv had.i need to sort myself out,thanks for talkin to me :-)

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome. I think you're making a smart decision to give it a chance, because it sounds like you might have something special with him, despite whatever may have happened in his past. Good luck to you, let me know if you ever need to talk again in the future and if you don't mind, please take a moment to rate my answer. Cheers.

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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW
Psychotherapist
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Specializing in mental health counseling