Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds like you are very aware of what the problem is in many ways, which does give you a good place to start in terms of starting to work through this. Unfortunately it is going to be very difficult to stop feeling lonely and get rid of this fear of being judged until you truly let someone into your world and into the thoughts and fears that are going through your mind. That can be extremely difficult to do, but it does sound like a lot of these fears are because no one knows the "real" you and there is some fear of their reaction. I know that there is even some fear of you getting to know the real you. Right now, if you don't feel like anyone really knows and understands you, that would be a very lonely and isolating feeling for anyone.
What you've described is very common for someone who has been bullied. You are not alone in feeling this way, and it is certainly possible to get through this, improve your self esteem, and start feeling more connected to people. The best way to start healing from this is to find someone to open up to. While that may sound scary, it is important to do that so that you can see for yourself that it is possible for you to be honest with yourself and other people, and still be able to form good relationships and have people appreciate you.
I absolutely respect that you have attempted therapy in the past, although unfortunately therapy is only going to be productive if you are completely sincere throughout the process. Even if you don't have anyone else currently in your life that you feel comfortable expressing yourself too, giving therapy another try could make a big difference if you are able to be more open and honest about the problems you face. Most universities have counselling centers, so you may able to start fresh with someone else for free or very low cost.
I suspect that a lot of these bad feelings are a result of the bullying
that you experienced, and if you've been made to feel like you can't be yourself, then all of these feelings do make sense. However it is certainly possible for you to get through this and get past this, but it will involve taking a step out of your comfort zone and opening up to someone who you consider to be most trustworthy. I definitely wish you the best with all of this and can appreciate that you are already reaching out here. If there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.