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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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My wife and I were both virgins when we married. I am now 39,

Resolved Question:

My wife and I were both virgins when we married. I am now 39, she is 34. In our marraige of seven years to date, I am not aware of one instance in which my wife was sexually aroused, and each sexual encounter requires lubricant despite prolonged foreplay? Our sex is growing increasingly infrequent, just 11 times last year. What may be the physical or neurological causes for my wife's lack of interest, and lack of any physical sexual response?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

Bill :

I am happy to help you with this and certainly understand how difficult this is and how it can have a negative effect your relationship.

Bill :

Sexual dysfunction disorders are generally classified into four categories: sexual desire disorders, sexual arousal disorders, orgasm disorders, and sexual pain disorders.

Bill :

Detail on these issues can be found here:

Bill :

Feel free to ask question at any time.

Bill :

Typically- what is necessary is that your wife have a complete GYN exam to rule out any issues that have a physical basis.

Customer:

How Do I best approach my wife in telling her this is a problem

Bill :

Once this is accomplished- then issues related to sexual interest and performance are address with an Expert trained in sex therapy.

Bill :

The best way to address this with your wife is to be direct, non judgmental and support of positive change.

Bill :

Helping to educate her about problems that may a factor is also helpful.

Customer:

We tried marraige counceling in the past, it did not go well. I fear my wife will not take a suggestion of counceling well.

Customer:

She is very much in charge of the relationship

Bill :

Well- ruling out the physical aspects is step 1

Bill :

How does she view the problem-?

Customer:

Any signs I should be looking for that might indicate something mental?

Customer:

I believe her entire outlook on sex is extremely close minded

Customer:

If I were not so dependent in the relationship, I might have spoken up much sooner

Bill :

Does she have desire to be sexual or is this also an issue.

Bill :

????

Bill :

Close minded to change?

Customer:

No desire ever, that I am aware of.

Customer:

Also, I find it impossible to believe she is finding satisfaction elsewere

Customer:

Not even masturbation.

Bill :

Well this is another issue- that you have to be aware of ...........Inhibited Sexual Desire-------Detail here:

Bill :

Inhibited sexual desire (ISD) refers to a low level of sexual interest. A person with ISD will not start, or respond to their partner's desire for, sexual activity.


ISD can be primary (in which the person has never felt much sexual desire or interest), or secondary (in which the person used to feel sexual desire, but no longer does).


ISD can also relate to the partner (the person with ISD is interested in other people, but not his or her partner), or it can be general ( the person with ISD isn't sexually interested in anyone). In the extreme form of sexual aversion, the person not only lacks sexual desire, but may find sex repulsive.

Bill :

see more detail here:

Bill :

If you have a dependent role in this marriage- this an issue that you have to work on so that you can address this more directly.

Bill :

Otherwise- You are going there is going to be increased distance in your marriage and you will have more problems.

Customer:

The last thing I want to do is hurt her, but I feel I am weighing my sexual desires against my basic life needs. I am financially dependent on my wife, putting me in a usually submissive role in the relationship.

Customer:

She does seem to find sex offputting.

Bill :

Emotional Honesty is very important and can be expressed without hurting your wife. Although it is normal to be anxious about this- you have to learn how to be honest to preserve sanity for yourself and the relationship.

Customer:

She also once told me her mother stated, "I wish they made anti-Viagra." In regard to her father.

Bill :

Yikes-

Customer:

She also has no girl-friends to talk with about sex

Customer:

We are dealing with an actuary here.

Customer:

Is it possible she's a lesbian?

Bill :

Its possible---- has anything happened to make you think this or is just because she doesn't like sex?

Customer:

Would she still sometimes find pleasure in sex with a man? Fantisize while we are having sex?

Customer:

Just that she doesn't like sex.

Bill :

Right - based on what you have written- I think if she was a lesbian she would not have married you at these ages and with both being a virgin.

Customer:

If you had to 'confront' her on this issue, what words would you say to start the conversation?

Customer:

not lesbianism, but our sexual problems?

Customer:

Also, what is reasonable when it comes to sex? At least as far as freaquency is concerned?

Bill :

I think you have to ask her in a kind non-confrontive way how she feels about your sexual relationship and whether or not she has any desire to work on having a sexual relationship or not? If so, you have to see a specialist in Sex Therapy. If not, then you have to figure out how what to do from there.

Customer:

What to do from there, terrifies me.

Bill :

Sex is not as much the issue as intimacy when it comes to frequency. I know this is scary but you at least have to educate yourself and understand- perhaps some individual therapy to help you with this would help.

Bill :

I am also going to give you a great link that explains how to be emotionally honest- without being confrontive.

Customer:

I am currently in therapy, for longtime depression. It is under control now. I was advised to research what might cause female sexual disinterest, lack of arousal, by my terapist.

Bill :

This is written for people who have dependency issues.

Customer:

I think you have given me enough, I just need to address the issue. As for dependency issues, I am on SSDI. I am dependent.

Bill :

Okay good- well you have two great links above that address sexual arousal problems in women. From there you can research further.

Bill :

I understand.

Bill :

I trust that this will help and wish you the very best.

Customer:

Bumpy road ahead, but thank you.

Bill :

You are most welcome.

Bill :

Kindest regards, Bill

Bill :

I appreciate your Positive Rating so that I receive Credit for my time.

Bill :

Thank you

Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
Bill and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Bill
Bill
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3705 Satisfied Customers
35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's