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Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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I have just found out my partner has been having an affair

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I have just found out my partner has been having an affair for 8 months. He came out of a 25 yr marriage but notched up 20+ encounters, mainly sexual before settling down with me. I thought he would change, I thought I could change him. obviously I was wrong. He hasnt left me for this other lady, just finished it, and begs forgiveness. His ex lover has put his profile on a name and shame web page, basically because he promised her the world and delivered nothing. On this web page she wrote, which may I say is true....He is a sexual predator who uses dating sites to meet his new conquests. Every woman he has met has been through these sites. On being caught having this affair I also discovered he was on another dating site, which he has now deleted. He has promised me that he has realised through all this how much he loves me and begs for another chance. I still feel totally devasted by all of this and don't know which path to choose. Is he sorry because he got caught, or is he really sorry. He has said he wanted to break up with her but was just going to let it fizzle out before I found out. In the meantime his ex lover has contacted me and shown me the texts and emails he has sent her.....some very explicit and the last ones were sent before the day he got caught out. He tells her he wants to be with her, loves her, hates being with me and all the usual bull a man would say to his lover. I'm under no illusions about this man, I can see what sort of person he is but the botXXXXX XXXXXne is I love him so much and bizarrly can see he loves me. Is all of this an addiction. I also need to mention that I have been with this man nearly five yrs. I have always had my doubts about his fidelity because his ex wife had told me what he put her through. I did find e-mails on his phone from an ex girlfriend, they were also very explicit. I didn't think he was having an affair with her, but I knew he had had, when he was married, for 3/4 yrs. That lady tried to kill herself, I don't really know the details, except to say that my partner was the last person she contacted before taking an overdose. My partner had to inform the police and they knocked her door down and she was unconcious. I asked my partner was it because of him and he says no but I'm pretty sure it was.

You wouldn't believe what a really kind and gentle man he is, he seems so sincere and true. But he has proved to be a compulsive liar. Jekyll and Hyde traits come to mind. Can he ever change, its been 15 yrs now since he started with these flings. 

Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your partner. From what you've described, his compulsive behavior certainly sounds like it could be linked with a sexual addiction. He may be sorry that he got caught, but if you continue to catch him and uncover more lies, it is hard to believe that he is truly sorry, otherwise he would be taking a more serious approach to correct this problem. It is important to take into consideration that a sexual addiction does not mean a dishonesty addiction, and it is his ability to lie and manipulate you as well as many other women that is the most troubling piece of what you have described.

I'm sure he is a great guy in many ways, and it is certainly possible that he loves you as well. It is possible for him to get through this and carry on with a normal relationship, but he has to genuinely want to make the effort to do that. This would include attending counselling sessions in order for him to get a better handle on why he feels the need to continually manipulate women for sex, and why he cannot be honest and happy without that in his life. Considering this is a pattern that has gone on for a significant amount of time now, it is important to uncover this issues that are provoking this, so that he can either carry on with a normal relationship, or decide whether this current lifestyle is more in line with how he would like to live.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

How can I heal me, I'm devastated and worried about my reactions. It has been four weeks and its no easier. I cannot even speak about him without crying. Will I be ok.

You will be ok and get through this, but it is definitely important to take care of yourself and your feelings throughout all of this as well in order to do that. It is certainly understandable that you would have a hard time speaking to him or handling your relationship in general right now. That is ok, and it is a natural reaction to what you have been through. While I can see how you would be worried about your reactions, it is really him who put you in this position in the first place, and it is going to take some time to get through it. He will have to be accepting of that since it is his actions that caused this.

In the short term, if you need some space or a break from all of this, sometimes that can be a big help just to get a grip on your own emotions, and do some personal healing before trying to work on the relationship again. Ideally, if he is willing to go to couples counselling with you, that would be the most beneficial thing for your relationship, and it will help you both start to work through this together. At the very least it would be very helpful for you to see a counsellor on your own, which will be a considerable help in processing your emotions and figuring out the best way to handle everything moving forward. Hang in there,

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