How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Ryan LCSW Your Own Question

Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Ryan LCSW is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have just found out my partner has been having an affair

Resolved Question:

I have just found out my partner has been having an affair for 8 months. He came out of a 25 yr marriage but notched up 20+ encounters, mainly sexual before settling down with me. I thought he would change, I thought I could change him. obviously I was wrong. He hasnt left me for this other lady, just finished it, and begs forgiveness. His ex lover has put his profile on a name and shame web page, basically because he promised her the world and delivered nothing. On this web page she wrote, which may I say is true....He is a sexual predator who uses dating sites to meet his new conquests. Every woman he has met has been through these sites. On being caught having this affair I also discovered he was on another dating site, which he has now deleted. He has promised me that he has realised through all this how much he loves me and begs for another chance. I still feel totally devasted by all of this and don't know which path to choose. Is he sorry because he got caught, or is he really sorry. He has said he wanted to break up with her but was just going to let it fizzle out before I found out. In the meantime his ex lover has contacted me and shown me the texts and emails he has sent her.....some very explicit and the last ones were sent before the day he got caught out. He tells her he wants to be with her, loves her, hates being with me and all the usual bull a man would say to his lover. I'm under no illusions about this man, I can see what sort of person he is but the botXXXXX XXXXXne is I love him so much and bizarrly can see he loves me. Is all of this an addiction. I also need to mention that I have been with this man nearly five yrs. I have always had my doubts about his fidelity because his ex wife had told me what he put her through. I did find e-mails on his phone from an ex girlfriend, they were also very explicit. I didn't think he was having an affair with her, but I knew he had had, when he was married, for 3/4 yrs. That lady tried to kill herself, I don't really know the details, except to say that my partner was the last person she contacted before taking an overdose. My partner had to inform the police and they knocked her door down and she was unconcious. I asked my partner was it because of him and he says no but I'm pretty sure it was.


You wouldn't believe what a really kind and gentle man he is, he seems so sincere and true. But he has proved to be a compulsive liar. Jekyll and Hyde traits come to mind. Can he ever change, its been 15 yrs now since he started with these flings. 

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX X'd like to help you out.

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your partner. From what you've described, his compulsive behavior certainly sounds like it could be linked with a sexual addiction. He may be sorry that he got caught, but if you continue to catch him and uncover more lies, it is hard to believe that he is truly sorry, otherwise he would be taking a more serious approach to correct this problem. It is important to take into consideration that a sexual addiction does not mean a dishonesty addiction, and it is his ability to lie and manipulate you as well as many other women that is the most troubling piece of what you have described.

I'm sure he is a great guy in many ways, and it is certainly possible that he loves you as well. It is possible for him to get through this and carry on with a normal relationship, but he has to genuinely want to make the effort to do that. This would include attending counselling sessions in order for him to get a better handle on why he feels the need to continually manipulate women for sex, and why he cannot be honest and happy without that in his life. Considering this is a pattern that has gone on for a significant amount of time now, it is important to uncover this issues that are provoking this, so that he can either carry on with a normal relationship, or decide whether this current lifestyle is more in line with how he would like to live.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

How can I heal me, I'm devastated and worried about my reactions. It has been four weeks and its no easier. I cannot even speak about him without crying. Will I be ok.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
You will be ok and get through this, but it is definitely important to take care of yourself and your feelings throughout all of this as well in order to do that. It is certainly understandable that you would have a hard time speaking to him or handling your relationship in general right now. That is ok, and it is a natural reaction to what you have been through. While I can see how you would be worried about your reactions, it is really him who put you in this position in the first place, and it is going to take some time to get through it. He will have to be accepting of that since it is his actions that caused this.

In the short term, if you need some space or a break from all of this, sometimes that can be a big help just to get a grip on your own emotions, and do some personal healing before trying to work on the relationship again. Ideally, if he is willing to go to couples counselling with you, that would be the most beneficial thing for your relationship, and it will help you both start to work through this together. At the very least it would be very helpful for you to see a counsellor on your own, which will be a considerable help in processing your emotions and figuring out the best way to handle everything moving forward. Hang in there,

Ryan
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
Ryan LCSW and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education