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I feel strange asking an anonymous online presence this, but my situation is driving me insane. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder (have since I was six, but my parents didn't recognize it as such and I didn't start any kind of treatment until my 20s) and may or may not have had depression for awhile now (some of the symptoms match). I'm living abroad right now because I came here to study before getting a job in the same country. I was in school (post-graduate) for a year or so, but didn't study much because I couldn't seem to concentrate (not due to OCD rituals--I just couldn't). When I first arrived, I would spend hours studying, but stopped when I realized I was studying more than I needed to do well in my classes. This ultimately avalanched into a zombie-like feeling (I was an A-student before this) in which I hated myself for being lazy but couldn't seem to work harder. I ended up with mostly A's and B's, but I feel like that was more due to the lenient grading inherent in this country's culture than any achievement on my part. My wife has never been happy living abroad (we live in a Third World country where conditions are not always especially pleasant), and it drove me even crazier to know that not only did she have to live in a country she never wanted to, but she had to deal with me being low energy, zero sex drive, and often asking for reassurance that I wasn't lazy, or that she wasn't mad at me. At my job, I often am not very productive and cannot concentrate, being distracted by things on the internet or just trying to figure out what the hell is the matter with me. I have trouble interacting with my coworkers (which was NEVER a problem before) and sometimes people in general. I feel like a lazy, worthless bum, and the thing is, I can't stand it. My mind chases itself in circles trying to figure out if this is a medical problem (in which case I can go a little easier on myself and have some sympathy) or if I really am just a lazy, worthless person who is slowly squandering all the gifts life has given him. I truly don't know which it is, and I seem to spend a lot of my mental time tracing my way back through my childhood, trying to see if I've ALWAYS been lazy, or if this is a new thing. One way or the other, I'm terrified by the possibility that I really might be just a lazy, whiny, entitled brat in a grown man's body. I know this paragraph isn't much to go by, but do you have any idea why I could be this way?
I figured that might be true. I've had the anxiety since I was about six, and I wonder if that hasn't been continuously sapping my energy the other times I thought I was lazy (of which there have been many, as you can imagine). Thank you for your help, Kate!
Thank you so much, Kate! I appreciate your all your helpful advice and kind words!