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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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im divorcing my narcistic husband after 18 months, of lies and cheating, he has removed al

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im divorcing my narcistic husband after 18 months, of lies and cheating, he has removed all my photos on facebook but left a big banner on there with the date we married i text him but heignores me with so much anger and hate
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I'm able to assist you. Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for your struggle in your marriage. It sounds like the divorce was necessary after 18 months of trouble.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Even if the divorce was "necessary", it is still a loss- like a death of sorts.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

Customer:

yes

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Great-

Customer:

im very confused re the way my es is acting, says he hates me but i feel he doesnt deleted all my photos but has left signs on his facebook of the day we wre married

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for joining me. He ignores you with so much anger and hate- because you have taken a stand not to tolerate this any longer. You did it for you vs. "him" being the center of it all- that makes him angry.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

A narcissist does not take well to someone taking a stand, meeting their own needs- you being first for once. He's mad that you left him. He may not be taking any responsibility for his actions.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He likely does not hate you- it's more that he's not getting his way, he's not in control right now- that fires him up.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What does it say to you that he left the signs on his facebook of the day you married?

Customer:

it says to me that he still loves me and i do still him put he pushed me into it he also listened to so many people, one day hewill text another day i will sendlotsof texts with noanswer its killing me

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He's looking to find something hurtful, something that was so precious, and wonderful and hurt you with it- because he's angry. A narcissist does not believe others should have a voice, an opinion, to take a stand. He's been used to it being all about him. Of course it is killing you- like I said even though he has hurt you so bad, you still have that love, and it feels like a death.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You taking a stand in leaving him, may increase the chances, if he truly loves and cares for you, to fight for you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You can not tolerate the lies and cheating- you deserve much better, and you are seeking divorce, because you know that. You did not want your marriage to end- you wanted change, to be treated with the love and respect you so deserve.

Customer:

by him eeping the sign on facebook what does that say to you as a professional and what should i nowdo

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He will now have to make the choices, go on with his lies or seek change in himself. I'm not quite sure what the sign on the wall means- he may be looking for a reaction from you- do not react. Give this some time, if he truly cares and is invested in the marriage he will have to work towards making amends- not you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You taking a stand and seeking divorce- do you think he ever expected you would do this?

Customer:

to me it seems that he has erased all my emories except the day we married

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This is so painful- I know- that hurts that he would erase the memories. Those pictures are still there somewhere- he removed them because you took a stand.

Customer:

but why leave the banner on there with the date we married

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do you think he is surprised you are seeking divorce? What do you think the banner means- like you said- that he does love you.

Customer:

yes i think he is, he is a very stubborn man he wanted 2 years seperation

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I think the banner is left there to "empower" him in some way- cause you to wonder, to be confused, to hurt. Does he want to try and work things out? Have you tried before, such as marriage counseling?

Customer:

no he doesnt, he says he just wants to get on with his life

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you quite sure about seeking the divorce? How many years have you been married?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's maybe a "dumb" question- who really wants to divorce right?

Customer:

i dont want to, only 18 months, we were so happy thought i found my soulmate,how can i make hoim realise what he is doing

Customer:

he has been married twice before baming them both for the marriage break ups

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You had other plans for your future- a future with him- there is the loss of what you had hoped for.

Customer:

but he listens to his daughter and they have said if hegoes back with methey will not talk

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This man does not have a great track record with marriage- when things get tough he gets out. The million dollar question is - would he do the work necessary, take responsibility for his role in the demise of his marriages??

Customer:

do you think a narcistic can really love and realise the mistakes made

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He may have his daughter fooled- one person with her, one with you and his other wives. Two people in a sense. It does not sound promising with is track record- he's hurt you- your energy may be much better spent on getting away, work towards your own healing.

Customer:

how can i make him see his bad ways

Jean N/20pluscounts :

A narcissist may have to hit bottom, lose a lot before they realize a problem- one they have something to do with. Often times the narcissist is so out of touch with emotions other than anger- very stubborn that way- like you said.

Customer:

will that change

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are powerless/helpless and that is very difficult- It will only change when others do not tolerate his behavior- however, that is when he jumps ship- blames others- not likely to change- I'm sorry.

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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