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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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I recently met someone and for a few months, we enjoyed a very

Resolved Question:

I recently met someone and for a few months, we enjoyed a very good sex life. But in the last 1-2 months, my libido has fallen significantly and I can't maintain an erection. I must admit, my soon-to-be-exwife is very attractive and the new woman is, say, a little "heftier". At 1st, it didn't bother me, but now its become a mental block in my sexual desires towards her, even though I'm crazy about her.
Unfortunately, as I've tried to figure out what's wrong with me, I've come to a realization. I'm ashamed to say I've always been very judgemental, superficial, and shallow about people's looks. I've even looked at friends' spouses and thought, "How could he/she be sexually attracted to them?" Is this a condition I have and is there anything I can do? I'm afraid I'll never be able to sexually attracted to anyone who's less than perfect! I feel horrible and depressed about the way I'm feeling.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

Please don't be ashamed of your perspective! It is the way you see the world. And..it is far better to be honest about this then to pretend that it makes no difference to you.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

Please don't be ashamed of your perspective! It is far better for you to acknowledge that fit, trim, women excite you and interest you...then to deny those feelings.

Dr. L :

It is what it is! It just so happens that a certain body type interests you. All that means is that you have a certain picture in your mind's eye of the body type that turns you on...and, in your case, your ex-wife was that body type. So..over time, that body type got cemented in your mind as the one that you feel best fits your sexual desires.

Dr. L :

So..now you are out dating again. This new woman was okay - may be even fine - until you developed deeper feelings for her and wondered where this relationship was going.

Dr. L :

And...began to realize that she did not meet the body type you have in your mind's eye.

Dr. L :

That poor fit...left you feeling less that thrilled sexually...and down when your libido.

Dr. L :

Now...you raise an interesting question...will you ever be sexually attracted to someone who does not match that fit, trim body type that excites you?

Dr. L :

So let me throw a question back at you! What if your body type doesn't meet this new woman's picture?

Dr. L :

Most of us have pictures in our mind's eye that are more fantasy than reality. A simple example is that most of us have a picture in our mind of a terrific steak

Dr. L :

dinner...with mashed potatoes, sour cream, butter, and a wonderful fresh roll. But when we sit down at a restaurant...does that plate put in front of us always match that picture in our mind? Hardly.

Dr. L :

But do we stop ordering steak when we go out?

Dr. L :

The point here is that you have a wonderful opportunity to change...to move beyond being judgement, shallow and superficial - to accepting that looks aren't everything...and that beyond mere looks are some absolutely wonderful people that you would be honored to call friend.

Dr. L :

I would encourage you to talk to this new woman openly and honestly about what you are feeling sexually and to see how the two of you can handle this challenge. If you are to have a lasting relationship with her...then tackling this topic together successfully is going to go a long way in building that healthy relationship.

Dr. L :

I can understand why you would feel horrible and depressed...but sitting in that place isn't going to do you much good in the long run. Accept the perspective you have...and work to change it!

Dr. L :

In the meantime, if you need some Viagra to get past the block...that's easy enough to obtain from your physician.

Dr. L :

I see you are offline. I will be notified when you come online.

Dr. L :

I await your reply.

Customer:

This was very helpful, thank you. Just to follow up.... Part of my anxiety is also because of my (current) seemingly inability to find "older" women, or my age (38) and older, at all attractive. I still feel 28 at heart and that's what excites me. My soon-to-be ex is 34 and the other is 33. Also, I'm afraid of always having this horrible feeling in the back of my head and in my heart that I'm completely aware and concious of the few extra pounds....like, when we start to "get going", I constantly think, "Don't think about extra size, think about how much you care for her." It's like, the more I try to get over it, the more I constantly think about it when I'm with her. The fact is, it became such an issue that I constantly felt I was letting her down and thought I'd never be able to shake these feelings, that we ended the relationship last week. Now I feel like if I get her back (and she does want me back) that I'll disappoint her again and break her heart because I'll never be able to get this out of my head. I don't know how to tell her this (if I even should) because I don't want to hurt her feelings, even though she's alluded to the fact that she knows why this is happening......she said she's been working out and lost a few pounds. Should I just move on and try someone else, or risk hurting her yet again?

Dr. L :

Hello..

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that you couldn't stop this image and then it led to a breakup.

Dr. L :

What I am struck by is that you said you really were crazy about her. So...it wasn't as if there was something terribly wrong in the relationship...rather it was about a mind picture that kept getting in the way. And...the more you did try to chase that image away...absolutely it would grow even bigger in your mind....that's how these things work. It's opposite what you think would happen...as the more you focused on it the more power it had.

Dr. L :

Here's my best advice. Ask her back into your life under the condition that you will dedicate yourself to getting help to address this mind's eye picture. Then...you will get yourself an individual therapist to help you sort out your judgmental, superficial, and shallow perspective that puts more emphasis on looks then on heart/love. And...in the meantime...if you need some help with libido you will get a prescription for Viagra as a way to not get caught up in performance issues.

Dr. L :

At the same time, you will support her efforts to lose weight by joining her in walking, biking, whatever. And you will absolutely tell her that this is NOT about her...but all about your mind's eye picture. She needs to know that she is not flawed in your eyes...

Dr. L :

In addition, you can spend more time in foreplay as a way to relax, enjoy the moment, and get free of the body type issue. If those thoughts come in your mind...take deep breaths until you can get back into your body and out of your mind. Each time those thoughts come...get refocused on your body...on touching her...on her touching you...

Customer:

THANK YOU SO MUCH.... I've had one session with a therapist to deal with the divorce, lonliness, fear of the future and sexual anxiety so I look forward to discussing this with him. So far, it says "Expert has not finished answering" so I'm not able to give you a rating. If you have anything else for me, it is greatly appreciated. Thanks again and I will come back to rate you Excellent when its available.

Customer:

.....and for record....she is a beautiful woman who I think struggles with some self-esteem. When we first met, she was very confidant, which was a turn on. Now, I feel she knows its affecting us and its taken a toll on her as well, which, consequently, I feel is effecting my desires....I just want her to know that she truly is beautiful and to get some of that confidence back.

Dr. L :

Yes...I was worried about the impact on her self-esteem as well. So...being clear that this is about your mind's eye picture...would really help her tremendously!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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