After months and months of talking, and almost getting divorced, I think we are finally figuring out what our problem is. I found out last night that my wife "doesn't like doing something if she knows i want it". My wife loved sex when we met, and as we moved in together, her libido dropped. Marriage, it got worse.
In the last few months I noticed that if I made any indication that i would like to have sex, she would cool off. This last weekend our kids were away, which i thought was a great opportunity to light some candles, get out the massage oil... and she ended up wanting to watch movies. I remembered though, a time not too long ago, where our kids were away for the night, and I had thought that she was tired and not feeling well, so I never said anything about sex at all. 10pm rolls around, and I notice she is acting oddly, her body language is just... odd. I don't know how I knew, but i realized she wanted to have sex. It is extremely hard to get her to just come out and say she wants sex, and she will not say anythinga bout what she wants out of sex.
I also realized she would back off any time i talked about wanting more in the bedroom, so last night I mentioned something very, very simple, and i asked her if I could write down 3 things that were very simple and she could pick one, or none of them, and then at any point she felt like doing that, even if it took months, we could do it, when SHE was ready, and wanted it. While talking to her I tried to think of something very very easy, so I said 'what if i used my hand to get you to orgasm, and just when you had an orgasm, you said 'i love you'. That would be very sexy.' Her response was to ask if it would take the rush and fun out of it, by having me ask her for it. My thinking is... yeah, ideally, in a perfect world, id love for her to just do everything i would like, and not have to ask her. But life is not perfect, so why not ask the other one for things we like? Then she said that she didn't know why, but if she did
something because I asked her to, she didn't like it.
This same woman, 10 years ago, rode me cowgirl while masturbating herself, al though admittedly she was drunk. I have pointed out to her that being drunk doesnt make her do things she doesnt want to do, it lets her do things she would like to do, but otherwise wont, for whatever reason. So i feel she has a wild side in her, like we all do, but she will not say what she wants, but she also will not do things if I ask for them. A perfect recipe for disaster. I recently found out that i made a mistake early on in our relationship. I asked her one night if she 'liked it slow', and she said yes. We ended up just having sex in a more slow and passionate way for the rest of our relationship, but recently i told her that someetimes I would like to just get a little wild, more energetic. When I asked if she sometimes liked that, she said yes. But... she never said anything, over 11 years. She will not say anything she likes. When i asked her how I should find out if she is in the mood for more 'energetic' sex, she said i should ask her. But it appears if I just DID it, which would probably more MORE of a turn on for most women, and she feels that I am just being selfish, she will be turned off. So she wont say what she wants on her own, and i doubt she would be much more open by me asking (she wont discuss fantasies and gets embarrassed by any sex talk), but if I take the lead and be a typical man, she balks and doesnt want sex. I personally think this is tied to her problems with her dad, they used to physically fight when she was younger, and even now, at almost 40, she isnt comfortable being around him very much.
She also doesnt want to see a counselor, because she isnt open to talking about herself. We have made a lot of headway in the last 6 months, but I feel this issue, where she feels pressured, is what has caused our sexual problems. She has told me that every relationship she ever had, she was into sex at first, but then as the relationship went on, her interest dropped. She thought it just had to do with things being more fun when realtionships are new, I think there is something else going on here. At 38 years old, she cant communicate about ANYTHING she wants in the bedroom, and if i make one statement asking if she will have her period on a saturday, because i would like to give her a massage... she ends up completely not wanting sex that night. Any advice is appreciated.