Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your point. However, an affair implies cheating. Cheating means dishonestly violating rules. Lying deprived me of an important vote to negotiate and agree to what the rules were.
You did help me with clarity that I believe by insisting that this was not an affair, it was an attempt to frame what happened as not that serious.
It was devastating to be deceived for so long, it made me feel extremely unimportant, like I did not matter, that I was not safe and couldn't count on my partner's integrity or character, and that he would make decisions that did not consider our partnership. It made me feel like I am involved with someone who cares so little for me that he is willing to harm me without conscience. There have been no life experiences that have made me feel more devalued and unloved than to be lied to repeatedly by my husband.
I'm very glad to hear that has been helpful to you, and I do hope that things work out for the best. Hang in there,