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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 506
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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A former girlfriend and I had been online friends for several

Resolved Question:

A former girlfriend and I had been online friends for several years. But recently, her new boyfriend became jealous of our friendship. He told her to stop talking to me .... and she did!
She ignores me emails, texts and phone calls. And it makes me feel like a wadded up piece of discarded trash.
But ever since this happened, I keep getting these nightmares and daydreams of her and her boyfriend making love to each other in all sorts of positions. And all the while, they're both laughing at me and talking about how much of a loser I am.
It hurts me inside, and tears me apart to feel like this all the time.
What should I do to suppress these nightmares and twisted self-demeaning daydreams?
I'd like to move on.
Thank you for your time!
John
Kettering, Ohio XXX@XXXXXX.XXX
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'm Alicia. Thanks for your question, I'm happy to try to help you today.

I can imagine that this situation is extremely upsetting and frustrating for you, especially since you've had what sounds like regular -- and meaningful -- contact with your ex for such a long period of time. It makes sense that you would have difficulty dealing with this, because in a way, she's betrayed your trust -- and friendship -- by deciding to end your contact because her new boyfriend asked her to and by ignoring your attempts to get in touch. That's painful - there's no way around that, and as with the ending of any other significant relationship, you need to allow yourself time to grieve and mourn the loss. By trying to suppress your feelings and not letting yourself express the hurt and pain you're experiencing, you're inadvertently pressing these feelings deeper and deeper into your subconscious, and that is probably why they're expressing themselves in such an unpleasant way in your dreams.

What I would suggest is that you try to take an active approach to dealing with your feelings so that you can get some sort of closure - which will help reduce these unpleasant dreams and daydreams and help you move on in your life. You might try to write down everything that you're feeling -- including all of the hurt and loss and feelings of abandonment -- in a letter addressed to her. You don't have to send it to her - or at least not yet - but just get everything out on paper (or your computer screen). Don't edit yourself - just express everything you want to tell her. Some people find it helpful just to complete this process, because it alleviates the tension and the pain of the feeling of loss and grief. However, if you think it might be helpful, you can also send the letter to her - even if she doesn't reply, you have a right to let her know how hurt and troubled you are by her actions and behaviors.

Give yourself some time to process everything - you say this happened recently, so don't expect instant change. Grieving over the loss of a relationship is a process. You might still have dreams from time to time, but they should lessen once you get your feelings out. If that doesn't help after a few weeks, you might consider talking to a counselor on a short-term basis, because discussing the humiliation and hurt with an unbiased professional (in other words, someone who's not involved in your life, like a friend of relative) can help you get some relief, perspective and closure.

I hope this helps, and I wish you luck. Please let me know if you have any additional questions.
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 506
Experience: Specializing in mental health counseling
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