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Hello, I'm available to assist you. Welcome!
I'm sorry for your struggle in your marriage.
You lost the husband you fell in love with and married six years ago- he's a changed man.
These six years have been filled with mostly challenges for you, it sounds like.
I get the sense that the of guilt you are experiencing is because you have been nothing but a very giving person- done your absolute best to work through this.
Yes, that is correct. He and I were only dating at the time of his accident. The following 2 years were hard but there was an incredible love we had for one another. He was recovering and we were growing together. It seems the change has taken place since we got married
Are you able to join me for a live chat?
Thank you for joining me!
You are quite powerless when addiction plays a role in this.
You sound like you have been a caregiver for so long- it comes natural for you- kind and caring person.
yes that is correct
How did the counseling go?
it went well but that was at the start of his addiction. After a few months of counseling the counselor said she couldn't help us any more until he got help for his addiction. Shortly after that he went to rehab for the first time
He did well immediately following rehab and things seemed good, then he relapsed a few times. Went back to rehab and has been in and out of psych hospitals.
he is currently in treatment again. This time it is expected to be for much longer. Which he needs. I am just not sure if I can or want to go through these cycles again
Does he seem motivated to try and get the help he needs? Yes help and treatment for addiction must come first. You are talking about a neurological change- that's a difficult thing- can not reverse it.
If you are looking at divorce, now may be the time, when he has the support of the treatment program- He may qualify for community support such as a group home.
It's important for you to take care of yourself- you have likely lost a lot of yourself in this. If taking care of yourself means divorce- may need to happen.
Unless he's willing and "able" to get the treatment he needs, as difficult as it is, for your own emotional health you may need to remove yourself. This is so painful- going back several years when he had the car accident. People go through the grief and loss process when such a significant change happens with a person- a personality change.
You want a good life for yourself- and you deserve a good life for yourself. Can you have that in your current relationship- that's where the resentment comes in.
It sounds like the addiction has become the main challenge currently. Those who love an addict, are hurt as much, if not more-than the addicted- being so helpless and powerless in all of this. The addict is numbing out and avoiding most of their emotions and problems. The loved one is "feeling" and "dealing" with it all.
Sometimes the "switch" is flipped when couples marry- a change- it's intriguing. Have you attended Alanon at all? The support group for those who love an addict. You had lots of hopes and plans with this man- loss- that's grief, like a death.
There are support programs out there for traumatic brain injury. He's where he needs to be for now- he needs much more treatment and structure than what you can provide- what can be provided in the home. I'm glad you jumped and posted-
You have a lot on your chest- such mixed emotions- guilt is the most difficult- beating yourself up-
Good to hear you are doing the weekly counseling- getting the support you need and deserve. In times like this we often say one needs support, support, support... You need others to talk to, help you sort this out. Process the many layers of the hurt and pain- loss. Having those cognitive abilities may make him more aware of the change in himself- numb it with the drugs and alcohol.
Even though this has led to lots of trauma, trouble, and upset, it has now led to getting more help, more intensive help for himself.
You don't need to make a decision for or against regarding divorce right now- you have the time you need to see how things work out, this time. I am hearing you say you are "tired" and worn out from the trying, over and over.
Yes, how many times does that loved one say "maybe this time" only to be hurt and let down again.
There are lots of roller coaster emotions going on- that's the stuff you will have to sort through in your therapy- you are right where you need to be too!! A therapist is someone unbiased to guide and assist you. Day by day, one day at a time- the best motto for life overall. For today you are doing all you can- and taking more care of yourself. As you get stronger some of this will become more clear.
Addiction is most difficult. I've heard a saying that when an addict dies, the addiction dies after- meaning it has such a hold on the person- so strong.
I'm glad you found us too- keep us in mind in the future- can request myself by starting a question with for "Jean N/20 plus counts". Thank you for posting today.
What you are feeling is normal and you need to be validated for that.
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me.
Great- glad I could help a bit!!
You too, take care!