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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1785
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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I feel like Im stuck.

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I feel like I'm stuck. I had relationship problems in that I've never had a relationship. I feel so alone all the time because it seems like no one wants me.  I've been on dating sites for over 8 years with only 1 date.  I'm overweight and I've been working on it and there are 2 schools of thought on that and neither help me.  I was going to just give up hope of a relationship and throw myself into my work but had an awful confrontation with my boss. Nothing is working and I don't know what else to try. I feel like no one can relate so no one can help because if you don't understand the problem how can you fix it. I'm crying every day because I feel so helpless and useless.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.

Hi there,

Welcome to Just answer !

1) Is your relationship problem still ongoing ?

2) Do you find yourself irritable , easy to take to offense , breaking into crying spells incessantly, easy to take to offense and snap, lacking interest and pleasure in previously enjoyable activities, poor sleep and appetite, poor concentration and focus at task at hand, socially withdrawn and choosing to be on your own away from people and any sort of interaction , persistently low mood , feeling low in energy and lethargic almost always ?

You may not be having all of these symptoms but you may have some of them , so mention them ?

3) Since how long a duration have you been having this emotional problem ?

I will get back to you once you reply to my queries..

Regards..

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

1. The relationship problem is that I'm 35 and despite all my efforts have never been in a relationship. I usually don't talk about it with my friends because its embarrassing and I just end up lying about it.


 


2. Some of those symptoms. Breaking into crying spells throughout the day. Can't concentrate. I'm usually on my own anyway as I don't have many friends. Very lethargic the past 2 weeks because that was right after the confrontation with my boss.


 


3. Since about August/September is when everything started. I'm not sure of the date. I know on a Friday I played cards with my roommate and her boyfriend and found out that her boyfriend was the guy a common friend was trying to fix me up with the previous year (2011). Knowing that he and I have a lot in common hurt because we get along so well, it would have been nice to have more. Then the next morning I woke up thinking about the last time I was kissed which was (at the time) 21 years ago. Then I went to my parents and my dad commented on how he wanted grandkids and when was I getting married. Then I came back home to my roommate and her boyfriend talking about marriage and kids and all the things I feel like I will never have. I dealt with it for a few months and started going to the gym and seeing a nutritionist to work on myself. I'm very overweight. But coming home to a couple and being alone all the time got to me and I started seeing a therapist (licensed social worker) the first weekend in November. She suggests things but it doesn't help because its a lot of what I've already tried.

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.

First of all i can see that there is underlying mild to moderate depression present which is clouding your clear and objective thinking and taking away the freshness and enthusiasm that you need in your thinking to introspect deeply about what has stopped you in pursuing a solid relationship till date and objectively assessing your own inherent personality / attitude that perhaps has held you back each time you tried to pursue a relationship ?

Secondly kindly introspect a bit right now and honestly tell me what are a few things which stood in the way of having a lasting relationship or is it just fate / matter of chance that each time you could not reach to a fruitful concluding relationship? please take some time on this and then answer.

I will get back to you once you reply to my queries.

Regards..

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I've never had a relationship. No one has ever seemed interested or interested for long enough. I don't really go out a lot until recently and mostly relied on dating sites. Growing up, my parents were strict and I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 and by then no one was interested. Then I moved to live with my grandparents when I was 18 until I was 21 and they didn't want me to date until I was 24, but it didn't matter because there wasn't anywhere to meet men other than school and no one seemed interested there either. I also didn't put a lot of thought into it then, so I don't know if maybe there was someone I could have been interested in.

 

I've been on 5 different dating sites in the past 8 years, usually a couple at the same time. Occasionally someone will email me on the sites, and sometimes we will even exchange phone numbers, but only once has a man ever asked me on a date this way. And even then it was one date and nothing more. The last time I spoke to him he was canceling the second date because of "school".

 

About 6 years ago I moved to the place I live now with my roommate. When I first moved here she went out to bars a lot and about twice a month I would go with her. No one ever approached me but I didn't really think about it because she was single at the time and I was more focused on finding someone for her. I had no expectations and wasn't sure why. But for the most part I did have fun. I stopped going out with her about a year after I moved in because she found a boyfriend and they would go out together and I usually ended up bored or refereeing an argument. With her current boyfriend, I try to go out with them because he always asks me to go and makes me feel guilty for staying home. I usually end up bored and never meet anyone.

 

Also, I joined a social group in December so that I could have more female friends, but that group recently broke up because of lack of participation.

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for the valuable inputs.

Well i empathize with you as i can see that at the moment you are overly emotional and to some extent perplexed about what to do right so as to have a loving and long lasting relationship with a like minded charming man.

But i can also see that all these years there has not been much of an active role on your part to search for Mr. right until recently as admitted by you and most of the time in the past you have either left it to destiny to bring someone in your life on it's own or you have probably been oblivious to the very need of a companion in one's life and have continued to remain engrossed albeit too much in your daily mundane lifestyle.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that it has been a recent development only that has lead to you being more active in your endeavor to find Mr. right (this most possibly having being triggered by your roommate's engagement with a man leaving you all alone to think and delve into your own deficient love life ), so quite obviously some patience and a bit of courage you ought to have to endure some more time for searching for a person who is willing to pursue a close knit and committed relationship with you.

But i believe in order to find a potential partner , you got to do things differently from what you have been doing in the past and this brings us to the need for you to be more outgoing , active and flexible in approaching men instead of waiting for them to make the first move.

Also try to venture out to public gatherings / events with family and friends and start friendly conversations with men that interest/ appeal you and see how things go from there. These things will be tough for you to do because they are out of your comfort level and against your personality but for better results in the future as far as your love life goes you need to tread this uncomfortable territory.

If possible you may seek help of a dating coach and work with him / her on your body language during / interactive or dating sessions which may be inherently lacking in something which thereby is standing in the way to get the ball rolling and quite possibly also seek help in learning the do's and dont's for a date. All in all this may help you to learn the nuances of how to make the most of a date with someone that interests you.You see all of these strategies are required to be carried out so as to make the best of the opportunities of falling in love with someone who is going to become your soul mate.

Lastly but most importantly as of now since it seems like you have been struggling with an underlying depression ( apparently oblivious to your conscious awareness which is quite common to see ) which in a way is clouding your potential to think clearly and objectively and also compromising on your enthusiasm and zeal for being more forthcoming to pursue a potentially stable relationship with a man of your own choice, so this makes it essential for you to deal with it as soon as possible as there is more decompensation awaiting if this depression goes further out of control thereby effecting your inter-personal , social and professional domains of life apart from snatching away any possibility of a colorful and fruitful love affair.

So i suggest that you get yourself evaluated by a psychiatrist and upon confirmation of depression , the same very expert shall start you an anti depressant to be taken for a few weeks until you come out of this condition , besides he / she may also like to use counseling on you and help you to learn some coping skills and strategies to ward off and fight against stressors / stressful situations in life.

So there is a lot to be done , but this should not discourage you in any way , you are still young and have time at hand and just remember that it is never too late to resurrect something which has not been going your way.

I hope this helps .

Wish you all the best.

Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer as only then will i be credited for my service.

If there is any further assistance needed please feel free to ask using the reply button.

Regards..

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

1. I am 5 ft 7 inches and weigh about 300 pounds. I lost 30 since September. I wasn't always overweight and only started gaining when I was 24 or 26. I feel like I have to wait for a man to make the first move because of my weight. Everyone says as long as you are comfortable with yourself, weight doesn't matter and I have been very comfortable until recently. I decided to lose weight because it is very hard for me to find clothes I like. But it is also hard for me to find men that don'tmind my weight.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

2. I have been trying to find a psychiatrist since 2006 when I was in a car accident that still gives me anxiety when I go on long car trips. My commute is about 2 hours each way so I have to deal with this a lot. It has been very hard to find one because I call and leave messages to schedule appointments and I don't get calls back. The social worker/therapist I see now is the only one who has called back in all that time. And I don't really talk to her about the anxiety because the relationship status has taken first place in my mind. She suggests dating sites and social groups but it doesn't help. I feel like no one completely understands because no one has been the 35 year old who has only been kissed once in her life and never had anything more than that. No one knows how to help me. No one can explain why guys talk to me on dating sites for a day and then stop suddenly. I feel defective, like there's something wrong with me.

 

3. My roommate has only been dating her boyfriend for about a year now. They aren't engaged, but just talk about "what ifs". I spend about as much time with him as she does. He and I like the same movies and games and don't like going to bars. She won't go to the movies with him but asks me to go instead. But she gets upset when he is not interested in things she likes (horror movies, bars) and he doesn't. Right before Christmas he told me he would rather be in a relationship with me but because of the roommate situation it would be hard because he wouldn't be able to live with us as he does now or visit. I have had intense feelings for him since the summer so this did not help me. I know the things she complains about him and what he says about her yet they are still together and I know most of it is just the ups and downs of a relationship. But it hurts seeing my friend in relationship after relationship and she puts very little effort in while I struggle just to find one person interested in me.

 

4. I don't have a lot of friends. Maybe 6? 2 at work and 4 near where I live. All except 1 is in a relationship. The married one doesn't go out. My roommate has her boyfriend and they used to go out but this year they are not because she got a pay cut. And the others I don't see much and they are too exhausting to be around anyway. I tried joining a woman's social club that meets a couple of times a week for dinner. The first time I went was fun. The second time all they talked about was a 50 year old that never got married and has over 1000 dolls and treats them like her children to the point of taking her favorite one on trips with her. That depressed me because I felt like that is going to be me one day. But even the doll collector has a boyfriend. I can't even manage that, even before all this overwhelming depression

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for the valuable inputs.

I empathize with you as i can see that you are having a hard time dealing with your predicament but i believe this is just a temporary phase and you soon shall find your match , but having said that please stop yourself from indulging in obectifying self and loosing your true personality and identity in your endeavor to acquire a better leaner look.In no way i am saying that you should stop yourself from getting into a better shape , you shall continue your efforts in getting into a better shape but that should be primarily for better health and then for better appearance.

Yes , some men do value exterior looks of women more than their overall personality and individuality but for long term relationship it is the inner beauty and genuinity which are valued by most men and eventually seen as the desired qualities in their life partners and i am sure you are full of these qualities , so do not let your weight take over your life and dictate your lifestyle and your life choices.

So i will urge to you to hold onto your true self in this endeavor to acquire better shape without letting your weight and poor self image becoming too overwhelming to overshadow your virtues of life.

Secondly it is quite evident from your symptoms that you are reeling under depression which is invariably creating self doubt, poor self esteem , low self confidence and feeling of inadequacy all of which are clouding your clear and objective thinking and distracting you towards a path which leads to desperation and hastiness which can eventually harm you more and push you deeper and deeper into depression.

Now coming to your roommate aka friend , well i believe you two have a great deal of trust , faith and respect between each other which shall not be broken by anyone of you as true friends are found rarely , so do not let your own eagerness to be in a loving relationship make you betray her trust as this will invariably catch up with you in due time and make you feel guilty about her break up if that happens because of your closeness a=with her boyfriend.

If her boyfriend believes that they are not on the same page then he should discuss it honestly with her and then they should mutually decide on the fate of relationship , this is the right way to go about it rather than making advances towards you behind your friend's back. Just when you feel overwhelmed by the urge to get close to her boyfriend, just try to imagine yourself in her position and her in yours , this shall stop you from indulging in such an act which will surely break your friend's heart ad draw her away from you which i am sure you do not want.

So all in all do not complicate your life and their relationship by involving yourself in their lives , start creating boundaries for yourself and try to carry out strategies mentioned by me to become more outgoing , forthcoming and flexible in your approach when meeting a man on a date.

I hope this helps you to see the bigger picture.

Wish you all the best.

Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer as only then will i be credited for service.

Regards..

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


1. I've known my roommate since high school and consider her a good friend. I would never want to be the reason she ended a relationship. But she KNEW that in the summer of 2011 her boyfriend at the time wanted to set me up on a date with the guy she is currently dating. She complains to me about him several times a week and I know from others that complaining is part of normal relationships. But she complains about the things he does that I love, like video games, action movies, sleeping late, staying up late, watching anime. Things that she considers immature are my hobbies that I have in common with him. She does not appreciate him and its right there in my face and apparently his too that we have more in common and enjoy each other's company more than they do. But she is the type to hold on to a bad relationship for years until she is exhausted and finds someone new.


 


For him, yes sometimes he complains to me about her. And yes he made comments around Christmas but even after that we keep our distance and remain as just friends.


 


Yes, they should work things out. And part of that is my fault because there was a time they were out and were going to argue about her excessive drinking but I had started the night by asking him for a drama free night. Also, 2 weeks ago after a confrontation with my boss, my roommates and I had a night of playing cards and he was going to argue with her because she had been out with her friends and came home behaving suspiciously but he said he could tell that I didn't need them arguing around me right then. It would be nice if they just broke up and he and I could see where things went, but that's not likely to happen.


 


2. The weight thing started as wanting to fit into clothes I like. I usually wear jeans because the skirts and dresses I love don't fit right because of my shape. Every year I say I'm going to fix it and never do so 2012 was the year I actually started working on it. It wasn't until a couple of months later I saw a man post on a dating site that he was disgusted by the amount of overweight women on the site and why do they even bother contacting him. I knew I didn't have the same chances as everyone else on the site, but that really hurt. People see your outside first and not your personality. Especially if you're overweight. Also, I feel like if I do meet someone who is nice at first, I would stay even if he became abusive or manipulative because who else wants me? I have an overweight friend that I've known since grade school who completely changed when she met her husband. She doesn't keep in contact with her old friends and it's work to find time to spend with her.


 


3. This same friend invited me to go to Disney World with her and her family on Feb 3 (my 36th birthday) this year for the week. I asked at work for permission since its our year end closing. I got permission in July but now that permission is revoked. My boss complained that my work is never done and I'm always late, meanwhile my supervisor says my work is always on time. That was two weeks ago and I've felt even more miserable ever since. I would love to quit and just live off my 401k until I found something else. I feel like my boss did that because of the trip and I'm trying to cancel and get my money back, but either way I'll be spending my 36th birthday alone since my friend who usually takes me to dinner for my birthday will be away on a trip I wanted to go on. And my roommate has no money for anything this year because of pay cuts so we will probably sit at home. I can't count on hanging out with them or my parents and brothers anyway because it will be Super Bowl Sunday.


 


4. I don't know how to talk to men. I don't know what they want to hear. I feel like it's either lay down and be a slut or don't get any dates. Which is why I don't get any dates because I've never had sex. When men talk to me on dating sites, they talk for about a day and lose interest. I have no clue what I'm doing wrong and how will I ever learn if I never get a chance?


 


I can't be outgoing. I don't have friends to go places with to meet people. I go to concerts alone, I took guitar lessons and Japanese lessons in the past just to spend time somewhere that wasn't home. I'm an accountant but I got my associate's in English last year because I always wanted an English degree. It also kept my mind off of how bored and miserable I am. I went out for a while with my roommate and her boyfriend but she's not doing that this year because of pay cuts. I joined a womens social group that meets for dinner a couple times a week, but they broke up. It depressed me anyway because the last time they talked about this 50 year old woman who never married and has over 1000 dolls that she collects and treats like her children and takes her favorites on trips. I feel like that will one day be me because I will never have anything else. Except the lady who has dolls also has a boyfriend.


 


But I'm out of things too do and despite what you say I feel so old. I'm too old not to know what to do. Too old to be a virgin who is forever dateless. I feel like the only solution is to die but I don't want to kill myself because my mom is already depressed and my grandpa has cancer and I don't want to cause them grief. But I feel like I am constantly suffering. I tried being such a "good girl" growing up and its making me miserable now. And I've noticed my friends who have had boyfriends continue to have them. I've never had one so I feel like I never will.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


And Valentine's day is coming up and the other holidays have just passed and I've never exchange a gift with a man for those other than giving gifts to whoever my roommate was dating. I want someone of my own and I feel like I never will have because I never have had.

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 1 year ago.

I believe i shall opt out and let another expert take over from here, so that you can have a second opinion and valuable suggestions about your predicament.

Take care.

Wish you all the best..

Regards..

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

I am coming in to offer some additional support. You have received some wonderful support from the expert above so many things I will echo. I do agree that you are dealing with an underlying depression and the weight gain has allowed you to insulate yourself from more rejection from others. you are lonely and deserve to feel connected to others, but finding Mr. Right can only come when you are feeling great about yourself and who you are as a person. I can hear your anxiety and your fears and also your desires. i think the work right now for you is not about finding new dating sites, but more introspective work to get at the core issues. I also believe a referral to a Psychiatrist to evaluate further for depression would be a great benefit.

In terms of your weight, I do believe you are on the right track and congratulate you for the weight loss you have achieved to date. Food is used to comfort and soothe and it sounds like this may be the case with you, but as you are now realizing, it is no longer serving a good purpose....your self-esteem is low and it is preventing you from getting out there and greeting life in the way you want.

I may also suggest putting some more time and energy into continuing on your weight loss path with clean eating and exercise. Exercise also has a wonderful way of lifting your mood. small changes can reap huge rewards for you. There is a wonderful book that can help get you motivated. You can find it here. http://www.eatcleandiet.com/about_the_diet/the_books.aspx#The+Eat-Clean+Diet%C2%AE+Recharged

This is not about dieting but rather fueling your body with healthy things that can help improve your mood, your waistline and your overall health. I feel that if you continue to focus on you and making changes within yourself then you will be ready to meet the world and Mr. Right. I hear your desire and want you to have it. Give yourself time to make the changes and a big pat on the back for beginning the journey.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I have been meeting with a nutritionist since around September. She discusses primary and secondary food. Primary food is relationships, work, hobbies, things you enjoy doing. Secondary food is actual food, fruits, meats, veggies, balanced meals, etc. If you are full of primary food you make better choices with secondary food. My primary food needs work. I feel like the last part of what you said is primary food related.


 


But I also feel like I was ready for a relationship before 2012 and until then I was fine. I didn't care so much about weight. I loved myself. I had fun. I didn't dwell on the fact that I was usually the only single person every time I went out with friends. I would have liked to be a smaller size but it wasn't an obsession. I figured I would still be able to date and that men would be interested. 2012 comes and goes with me turning 35, no dates, no prospects. And I feel flawed.


 


And the exercise does nothing for my mood. Yay, I lost weight, but my trainer is usually happier about it than I am. I feel good about losing weight when I hit my 10 pound goals, but otherwise I know I still have a long way to go and its frustrating. I do Zumba class because the instructor is great and I don't feel like an idiot if I can't keep up. I love Saturday morning Zumba. I do the treadmill and other machines. It does nothing for my mood. I still go home to a couple. I still go to movies alone because I have no one.


 


I can't put relationships on hold because in 2 weeks I'll be 36. Reaching my goal weight in a healthy way will take at least until this time next year before I turn 37. I started puberty at 10 so I wouldn't be surprised if I start menopause at 40. Who will want me then? I won't be able to have kids, and I don't want to try to be a single parent now. I can't even have a relationship with a man so I wouldn't want to bring a kid into the world alone and not be able to teach them that basic human experience. The relationship thing is why everything else is falling apart right now. I have to do something to deal with that and nothing is working. Everyone says either love the weight you are now or lose weight. Doing both and nothing is working. I don't know what else to do.


 


I do agree with need a psychiatrist to prescribe something but my healthcare is horrible. Also, I've tried calling psychiatrists and they never call back. That's how I ended up with the licensed social worker I have now. She's the only one who returned my call and scheduled an appointment. But I also feel like a pill is not going to solve anything. My roommate was once on Lexapro and she said it helped her deal with things better. I can't deal. I have to do something. I feel like I've tried everything. There's nothing else left. And I know a pill isn't going to fix that, it isn't going to make me lose weight faster and make me attractive to men despite being so relationship experience deficient.


 

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
I hear your frustration and your desire....I really do. I can also hear that there may be this underlying depression which is why the mood isn't improving. A pill isn't the magic bullet but it can help. I also think your social worker refers to Psychiatrists and should be able to make the referral and also call in advance so that your calls are returned.

Where are you located? I would like to try and help get you a Psychiatrist to at least get evaluated. It can only be determined then if medication is needed.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I am in Howell, NJ. I work in New York City.


I feel like if I don't have a relationship soon, I will never have one and then what's the point of living a life where you can't even experience something even the most awful people have had.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
I hear you, I really do. I want you to keep the faith because when you meet the right one all of this pain and loneliness around this issue will be forgotten. I know it's hard to see that after all these years but please keep the faith in yourself.

Please call Dr. Frances Mas at(NNN) NNN-NNNNto get some additional support and evaluation. You deserve that.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1785
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
Mental Health Professional
1785 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach