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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Issue #1: I have been married to my wife since 2004 . Since

Resolved Question:

Issue #1:
I have been married to my wife since 2004 . Since then I have had some affairs. I Love my wife and made my mind up to be faithful to her. Recently I had logged onto facebook and had a curiosity to see if a girl from my last affair had been saying anything negative about me at all. I then was looking at a dating site, not for potential dates, nor to meet someone else, but to post a question about another issue I was having which will soon be disclosed to you. I wanted opinions from outside my circle. Plus I couldnt really talk to anyone I knew about this. Well my wife got into my computer, and looked up my internet history and found all this and is extremely upset. She believes I am seeing this girl again, and meeting people on a dating website.. what have I done and how do I fix this?
Issue #2
This past weekend my wife and I had a our neighbors over at our place for some drinking and games.By the end of the night my wife, her friend, her husband,and me were in our bedroom having sex. My wife's friend, she was on the bed with my wife, and her husband was standing in the corner of the room. In the midst of all this in which we all were completely new too I found myself touching his wife and mine. At this point I think he got upset and they left. He said it was because he couldnt get an erection, I was not paying attention to him as I was only interested in the women on my bed. Now I seem to be the only one who feels guilty about all this , though I never planned this to happen.. what does this all mean? and how is this going to affect my marriage?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

First, I can understand how upsetting and complicated all of this is.

Dr. L :

I am going to keep my response short and to the point.

Dr. L :

Your past affairs have damaged the trust between your wife and you. And the latest activity on the internet has reopened that wound. The 2nd incident with the neighbors likely caused you some emotional pain because you were already "in trouble" with your wife about past affairs and here you were touching another woman.

Dr. L :

Have you ever considered couple's therapy? It would seem to me that the best way to "fix" this is to get serious about why you go outside your marriage for sexual pleasure and also to address the trust issues in your marriage.

Dr. L :

The "how does this affect my marriage" is that you continue to erode the trust in your marriage and that must be dealt with if you want to have a lasting, healthy, and happy marriage.

Dr. L :

I see you are typing. I will wait for your reply.

Customer:

Is couples therapy the on solution?

Customer:

"only"

Dr. L :

No it's not the only solution.

Dr. L :

You might consider individual therapy as a way to begin to understand your own behavior.

Customer:

or better yet how can I persuade my wife to go along with this idea?

Dr. L :

You might consider going to SA - sexual addiction - group

Dr. L :

From what you have written she's not to please with you...correct?

Dr. L :

She doesn't believe you were innocently on the internet...

Customer:

It is difficult being that online im anonymous but in a group session in front of a human being id feel like im being judged

Customer:

it would be harder for me to open up

Dr. L :

Of course it doesn't help that you didn't tell the truth from the beginning...but I imagine you felt uncomfortable responding.

Dr. L :

No...SA is like AA...everyone is in the same boat so to speak.

Dr. L :

Judging others is not the purpose...the purpose is to get genuine support!

Dr. L :

Same with going to therapy...the therapist's job is to walk alongside of you and to help you understand your choices and steer you towards healthier choices.

Dr. L :

It takes courage to go to SA or to therapy. But here's the botXXXXX XXXXXne...if you want to be in this marriage...if you want to stop having affairs...if you want to truly be happy...you are going to have to man-up and do the hard work of facing whatever demons there are that keep you in these unhealthy behaviors.

Customer:

she is very upset with me to answer your question.

Dr. L :

If you want to do some reading on sexual addictions (I am not saying you have one)...as a way to get better educated that would be great.

Dr. L :

Yes...I suppose your wife is tired of the affairs. What you may or may not know is that when a spouse is having an affair the partner feels it is because they are inadequate...that they are not meeting your sexual needs. This takes a huge toll on someone's self esteem! Huge!

Dr. L :

She can't figure out why you do this...all she knows is that she may be at fault.

Dr. L :

Do you understand what I am saying?

Customer:

yes

Dr. L :

So her being upset is because she doesn't know what to do to meet your needs.

Dr. L :

She feels like a failure.

Customer:

I feel like my whole marriage is a chaotic mess...

Customer:

because of me..

Customer:

but I do love her greatly

Customer:

I will look into marriage counselling...

Dr. L :

I'm truly sorry that things have deteriorated to this point. I do think individual or couple's therapy would be a way to sort out the mess, heal the anger and mistrust and have the kind of marriage both of you deserve.

Dr. L :

Let me give you a website to help you locate a therapist.

Dr. L :

www.psychologytoday.com

Dr. L :

You will see that there is an icon on the top of the home page for locating a therapist.

Dr. L :

Plug in your zip code and it will give you a list of therapists.

Dr. L :

How does that sound?

Customer:

good thank you .. to top it off our anniversary is on thursday..

Dr. L :

Oh boy....that means you need to do something extra special!

Customer:

lol yeah i do

Dr. L :

Actually, it would be a good time to tell her how much you love her...so much so that you want to go to therapy to repair the relationship.

Dr. L :

Hopefully, she will be able to accept this "gift" from you and see it as a true act of love.

Dr. L :

I wish you good luck!

Dr. L :

Is there any last thing I can help you with today?

Customer:

thanks..

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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