How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jean Your Own Question

Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
66147936
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Jean is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am a 45 yr old male I am recently divorced from my ex wife

Resolved Question:

I am a 45 yr old male I am recently divorced from my ex wife who had cheated on me for the last 8 months that we were together with 5 - 6 other people. In our marriage we had 3 somes and 4 somes. We had only had at 1 time had an encounter with another m/f couple. I was not very happy with that situation and we never did that combination again. My ex-wife was attracted to women so I went along with the other encounters. But I was not completely in aggreement with it. After my break up with my ex-wife I have had alot of trust issues with my new GFshe has not done anything todeserve this and she is a very trustworthy person. I know in my heart that she wouldnt do anything but I get these ideas in my head! We have been dating for almost 13 months and the beginning of december I started to look on to adultfriend finder.com and had traded pics and conversation with some people. My GF had found out and I have no idea why I did this. All I can say it was the adrenaline or the rush of it. I did not want to meet up with any of them. This has affected our relationship. My GF does not trust me anymore which I believe is reasonable after my actions. I did not believe at the time that I was doing this that I was cheating on her but now after long talks with her and my preacher I believe that this is true although I did not do anything physical with anyody! I LOVE my GF with my whole heart she is the woman that I have been looking for but sometimes I get scared that I will end up losing her and with my recent actions I might. I need help understanding why I did this and help with not doing this anymore. PLEASE HELP ME!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I can assist you- Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for your struggle in your relationship. It sounds like you recognize much of this comes from the hurt and betrayal in your marriage.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may have sacrificed a great deal to make your wife happy- so much so you compromised what you truly wanted and believed in.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It may be that because of the unresolved hurt and pain from your marriage, you fear so deeply to be hurt again that your actions to go on line to trade pics and conversation may be to sabotage your relationship- unconsciously of course

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I think that we can be so afraid, we have such focus on the fear, that we create the thing we most fear. In a sense you created mistrust in the relationship by your actions. You feared your girlfriend being unfaithful, and in a sense you created that situation with yourself. It stems from fear, I believe.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Seeking those things on line can also be compulsive, impulsive, and creates "emotion". It can be a way to avoid some troubling emotions you are struggling with.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

First and foremost you need to do some processing of the trauma and hurt from your marriage. Work through those emotions that may be driving your behavior of going on line looking at other women.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Like you said it was the adrenaline and the rush of it- sort of high- a way to "numb out" for a bit- because emotions, worries, fears can get intense and overwhelming.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do you see the irony here? You mistrusted your girlfriend simply because of what happened in the past, and you created "mistrust" in the relationship by your actions. It is now an opportunity for you to take a look at this unresolved stuff. If you get in touch with those emotions and share those with your girlfriend she will see you are being authentic and genuine.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your fear was losing your girlfriend and you created a situation where this could have happened. Does this stuff make sense?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You love your girlfriend, and through healing you can get to the point where you trust more, fear less, and realize you deserve a healthy and happy relationship.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The more honest you are about your emotions the better chance you have of this not happening again. We also may create these types of things in an effort to heal the past hurts.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Continue to talk to the preacher or other helping person to assist you to work through this.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You sound very motivated to make this right- perfect opportunity to do some of the healing work.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are on a good track- talking to the preacher and planning to attend counseling. That is exactly what I would have recommended for you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This stuff can be buried within and a counselor can help you identify and process those emotions.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your girlfriend will see you working hard- your willingness to talk to the helping professionals is a big step. It takes courage to talk to a counselor, preacher about yourself, and the hurt you are going through. Great job in taking the steps to heal and recover. It will take your girlfriend time to trust again, of course, but you are stepping up to the plate to do what you can to repair this. The hard work will pay off and will lessen the likelihood of it happening again.

Customer:

How do I make my girlfriend understand this? The counselor that we are going to wants us to both come to the 1st visit together and my preacher isnt sure that is a good idea, What are your thoughts?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are recently divorced- that is a loss, even if it was something that was necessary. There has been great hurt and betrayal from that marriage. You said you were not happy about involving others in your intimate life- but sacrificed for her- went against your morals and values- you may be dealing with shame from that tool

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thanks for joining me

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'd say follow what the counselor is requesting-

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Meeting with you both keeps the lines of communication open between you and your girlfriend.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The counselor can help you to express some of this stuff-

Customer:

OK

Customer:

I just dont understand why I did that and that is not the person that I want to be. I am very ashamed for my actions. I am very disappointed in myself and at this point in time I am not sure that I will ever forgive myself and if I can't forgive myself how do I expect to have her forgive me and for us to move on with our relationship?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

In meeting with you both- the counselor will make a plan from there what therapy will look like. Sometimes a counselor will then recommend individual counseling for each of you depending on what they see in that first session. It's a good sign you feel that guilt- like you said it's not you- not who you want to be. You can work through this- there is hope!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Right you will have to forgive yourself- it takes time

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You sound remorseful and are taking responsibility for your actions- those who feel the most guilt are the ones who care.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's where some of the individual work may have to come from- the preachers thoughts maybe.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your actions could have been worse right? Don't be so hard on yourself- caught it before it went to another level on line.

Customer:

1aaaaaaaaaaaaaswwweereeweeertjioip[]\

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your sense of shame and remorse will motivate you to work hard to make this better. You are headed in the right direction.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I do need to run- Would you be so kind to rate my answer ok or higher so I can get credit. You can check in later to let me know how things are going. Hang in there!! You are human and you can recover from this- especially because you are motivated.

Customer:

Ok thank you! I appreciate the help!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You can refer back to this conversation- read it over again- and if questions come up please ask.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thanks for your post today!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Jean
Jean
Mental Health Professional
433 Satisfied Customers
Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)