Hello, I can assist you- Welcome!
I'm sorry for your struggle in your relationship. It sounds like you recognize much of this comes from the hurt and betrayal in your marriage.
You may have sacrificed a great deal to make your wife happy- so much so you compromised what you truly wanted and believed in.
It may be that because of the unresolved hurt and pain from your marriage, you fear so deeply to be hurt again that your actions to go on line to trade pics and conversation may be to sabotage your relationship- unconsciously of course
I think that we can be so afraid, we have such focus on the fear, that we create the thing we most fear. In a sense you created mistrust in the relationship by your actions. You feared your girlfriend being unfaithful, and in a sense you created that situation with yourself. It stems from fear, I believe.
Seeking those things on line can also be compulsive, impulsive, and creates "emotion". It can be a way to avoid some troubling emotions you are struggling with.
First and foremost you need to do some processing of the trauma and hurt from your marriage. Work through those emotions that may be driving your behavior of going on line looking at other women.
Like you said it was the adrenaline and the rush of it- sort of high- a way to "numb out" for a bit- because emotions, worries, fears can get intense and overwhelming.
Do you see the irony here? You mistrusted your girlfriend simply because of what happened in the past, and you created "mistrust" in the relationship by your actions. It is now an opportunity for you to take a look at this unresolved stuff. If you get in touch with those emotions and share those with your girlfriend she will see you are being authentic and genuine.
Your fear was losing your girlfriend and you created a situation where this could have happened. Does this stuff make sense?
You love your girlfriend, and through healing you can get to the point where you trust more, fear less, and realize you deserve a healthy and happy relationship.
The more honest you are about your emotions the better chance you have of this not happening again. We also may create these types of things in an effort to heal the past hurts.
Continue to talk to the preacher or other helping person to assist you to work through this.
You sound very motivated to make this right- perfect opportunity to do some of the healing work.
You are on a good track- talking to the preacher and planning to attend counseling. That is exactly what I would have recommended for you.
This stuff can be buried within and a counselor can help you identify and process those emotions.
Your girlfriend will see you working hard- your willingness to talk to the helping professionals is a big step. It takes courage to talk to a counselor, preacher about yourself, and the hurt you are going through. Great job in taking the steps to heal and recover. It will take your girlfriend time to trust again, of course, but you are stepping up to the plate to do what you can to repair this. The hard work will pay off and will lessen the likelihood of it happening again.
How do I make my girlfriend understand this? The counselor that we are going to wants us to both come to the 1st visit together and my preacher isnt sure that is a good idea, What are your thoughts?
You are recently divorced- that is a loss, even if it was something that was necessary. There has been great hurt and betrayal from that marriage. You said you were not happy about involving others in your intimate life- but sacrificed for her- went against your morals and values- you may be dealing with shame from that tool
Thanks for joining me
I'd say follow what the counselor is requesting-
Meeting with you both keeps the lines of communication open between you and your girlfriend.
The counselor can help you to express some of this stuff-
I just dont understand why I did that and that is not the person that I want to be. I am very ashamed for my actions. I am very disappointed in myself and at this point in time I am not sure that I will ever forgive myself and if I can't forgive myself how do I expect to have her forgive me and for us to move on with our relationship?
In meeting with you both- the counselor will make a plan from there what therapy will look like. Sometimes a counselor will then recommend individual counseling for each of you depending on what they see in that first session. It's a good sign you feel that guilt- like you said it's not you- not who you want to be. You can work through this- there is hope!!
Right you will have to forgive yourself- it takes time
You sound remorseful and are taking responsibility for your actions- those who feel the most guilt are the ones who care.
That's where some of the individual work may have to come from- the preachers thoughts maybe.
Your actions could have been worse right? Don't be so hard on yourself- caught it before it went to another level on line.
Your sense of shame and remorse will motivate you to work hard to make this better. You are headed in the right direction.
I do need to run- Would you be so kind to rate my answer ok or higher so I can get credit. You can check in later to let me know how things are going. Hang in there!! You are human and you can recover from this- especially because you are motivated.
Ok thank you! I appreciate the help!!
You can refer back to this conversation- read it over again- and if questions come up please ask.
You are welcome!!
Thanks for your post today!