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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My fiance -- who had an "always traveling for work father" as a child -- is appa

Resolved Question:

My fiance -- who had an "always traveling for work father" as a child -- is apparently into reading incest porn stories. What does this mean? Could it be an indicator of previous sexual abuse?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It can be an indication of previous sexual abuse when someone is interested in incest porn stories. People who have been abused as children sometimes cope with the abuse by "accepting" it and even being interested in abuse of others. Many times, people who grow up and become abusers were abused themselves as children. That does not, by any means, indicate that your fiance will become an abuser. It just means that if he was abused, the potential is there if he never addresses what happened to him.

He could also be very interested in incest porn without having been abused. It is possible that he either witnessed abuse of someone else, or he was exposed somehow to an interest in incest porn.

There is also a possibility that he is just interested in incest porn without any prompting. Though this is unlikely, it is still possible.

If you feel this bothers you and interferes in your relationship, consider talking to him about what you feel. Let him know you are concerned about his interest. How he reacts to your inquiry will tell you a lot about where he is with this and if he might be willing to stop looking at it. If he refuses, you may want to consider counseling for both of you if he is willing to go or just yourself if he is not. You need the support to know how to address this issue before you are married.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
sorry, I may have filled out the form wrong....my fiancé is a woman with latent absentee father issues. Nothing as cliche as "becoming a stripper," but she has always had boyfriends and long term relationships usually with older men (she is 28, I am 33). Since a sexual deviance of this nature (penchant for incest erotica) is more likely in men, does it have a stronger significance, or is it possibly a greater indicator of childhood trauma since she is a woman?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I see. Sorry about that.

With an absentee father and long term relationships with older men, it could indicate issues with father figures and the need to be loved by a father she never really had. And because she was left without the protection of a father figure, she may have been more vulnerable to being abused. Emotionally, the absence of a father in her life could have left her looking for someone to care for her. Someone could have taken advantage of that and abused her. Her interest in incest porn indicates she feels she is missing something and she cannot fill it. So the potential is high. Asking her will help you get more information and find out if there is more to this.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. I am historically bad at conversations that require this kind of senseativity. She will inherently be embarrased and defensive -- and she has a terrible stubborn streak in her -- so I expexct this to be a multi step process. Any "do's or don'ts" you could advise me on?

Thank you for your help.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I understand. It is not easy to talk about something like this. But if you are going to be married, then it's going to come up in one form or another.

When you do talk with her, try to use a gentle and non confrontive tone.

Let her know that you are concerned

Don't criticize

Use "I" statements. Such as "I feel sad that you feel this way"

Tell her you want to help by being supportive

If she gets upset, let it go for a while. Bring it up again a few days later.

If you are caring and open, she probably will respond. And keep in mind that any reaction you are seeing is a result of her fear over dealing with the topic. It could bring up very painful memories or something she doesn't want to deal with at all. That will help you know what pace to go at when you do talk with her.

Kate



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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You may also find this resource helpful:

 

Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship by Victoria Prater and Garry Prater

 

Kate

 

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