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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Hey Dr. Mark, this is Julia in Charlotte...do you remember

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Hey Dr. Mark, this is Julia in Charlotte...do you remember talking with me about Bob in Ohio?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Julia, Hi!


I remember well, though I might be rusty on the details...


If I recall, Bob is very on/off, or gun shy. Do either of those descriptions fit or is my memory all off?


Give me a brief update and if necessary, I'll go to the archives here and see what I can find from our previous talks, okay?



Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Dr. Mark!!! So nice to talk with you again. Yes, Bob was/is shy but
oh my...there is so much more. I really will try to be brief but first I need to ask if I told you about his catastrophic one car accident in June?


 


I need to give you details about that if we stopped talking before that


because it plays into things today....Julia

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
No, I didn't hear about that. We stopped talking in the spring of last year!


I'm very sorry to hear about it.


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Oh okay cool...that gives me a place to start. On June 15th, Bob went
over to his friend Jim's house to pick up some food. Jim did not notice


anything weird. It was 4pm on a friday afternoon. When Bob left, he


ran off the road in a one car accident. It was a two lane road next to a lake.


He hit a tree which stopped him from going into the lake. He had to be cut out of ford ranger and air lifted to the hospital. He broken all his ribs, his right knee in two places, his back, crushed 4 vetebrae, had internal injuries and a hematoma from hitting his frontal lobe on the windshield.


 


Here's the kicker...when he arrived at the E.R., his blood alcohol level was .28 Which is pretty much alcohol poisoning and death for most folks. He was in intensive care for 4 weeks, the first week he was not expected to live. After 4 weeks in ICU, he was moved to rehab for 4 weeks, and then spent 3 weeks in assisted living. He went home the 3rd week in September ith the only residual physical problem of having some memory loss called amosia from the brain trauma, and a bum right knee because the two breaks were not discovered until he was moved to rehab.


 


From that time until two weeks ago Tuesday, he had been telling every one that he could not drink because it would negate the effectiveness of the drug he was on for his brain swelling but that he didn't want to drink again anyway. For the entire time Bob was in the hospital thru assisted living, Jim (who is an ex marine about 10 years older than bob, about 64) spent time with him every day. Jim had worked in the pharacutical industry for over 30 years so he was very helpful in understanding all that was going on. He started writing updates on Bob's wall on Facebook every day to keep all Bob's friends up to date with his progress.


 


I took all his Facebook posts, along with pictures that friends were posting and made it into a very nice graphic which I can upload to you with your email address...its a large document and I will have to send it


thru |YouSentIt. I'd like you to see it just so you have a sense of the effort I went to, as well as all the Jim wrote. It is quite amazing.... I asked Jim to


go over to Bob's apartment and get his gujitars out and store them at his house for fear they would get damaged or stolen.


 


Then two weeks ago Tuesday, Bob was arrested after driving drunk


and refusing to stop for police, resisting arrest, a blood alcohol level of


.198, a bevy of traffic charges. He had run several people off the road, refused to show his hands or get out of the car. Officers had 4 weapons on him when the "helped" him get out of the car. He was going from 2 to 26 mph, and said that he never saw blue lights or heard sirens. Oh and he also ran into two cruisers when he wouldn't stop.


 


Here is what has also been revealed. Bob has been lying to Jim since the day he met him...about everything...from how his ex-wife had been to telling Jim he was not drinking. Jim and his wife bought Bob a washer and dryer for Christmas to try and help him.


 


Then there is Wendy....she saw Bob play at a club in San Francisco in 1988 and became a Facebook communication with him ever since but had never met him. She lives in New Zealand. Bob loved to brag abuot having a fan in New Zealand, like he was some international pop star.


Wendy friended me on facebook and pretty much milked me for information about Bob and myrelationship, then defriended me. She flew to see him in Ohio from New Zealand and planned to stay two weeks. She arrived just as he was being moved to assisted living. She stayed for 3 months and two weeks and made it clear to Bob that she wanted to marry. She ended up leaving when her visa ran out but purchased her


own engagement ring when Bob would not consent to the marriage...


It has now come out that Wendy cannot have natural vaginal sex and is


either genetically deformed or was born a boy. Yes...it really is this


weird...


 


I also found out that Bob has been have "friends with benefits" sex with


Brenda who lives in the apartments across from him the entire time we


were dating.


 


Recently, several people in his life...his brother...Brenda...his ex Roberta...Jim...and Cindy from Mississippi who had been talking to him, felt strongly that he was drinking heavily. The assisted living place accused Bob of getting liquor snuck in. His ex is now revealing that


Bob has been a falling down drunk since they were married 20 years ago.


 


The really disgusting part is that Bob has been "shopping" for his next


woman with money, an enabling or caretaking heart, and who would


have sex with him to take care of him.


 


Bob is what I would call a sociopath who has also been a raging falling down alcoholic all his life. Some of his high school friends have now said that Bob would always drink until he passed out when he was young.


 


I'm REALLY trying to make this short. I've got to leave work and drive


home and I'll let you read all this while I'm doing it....but my issue is


not only have Jim and I discovered that we have been lied to since the


day we met Bob, but he completely used me for no other purpose than to see if I would take care of him...same thing with Jim. He has lied about a ton of things which he claimed Roberta had done... Roberta has admitted


that she was his lottery ticket enabler because she tried to keep him


happy and hopefully get him to participate in the marriage by buying him guitars and music stuff.


 


I am not used to dealing wiht someone who is completely deceptive...


I was married to an alcoholic for 18 years, which makes me feel even


more stupid because I never saw any signs of all this...neither did Jim.


To say we are hurt and angry would be such a huge understatement...


 


ok...I'm driving while you are reading....


 

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Julia,


If there was ever any time that I'm glad someone didn't end up getting what she wanted it's right now with you!


I've heard many stories in therapy sessions from people who've been lied to, but you're right: Bob's really something. This must be very traumatic for you even though you're talking with a sense of humor (or irony...).


I am so sorry this is how it turned out. And sorry for Jim and his wife as well because that's also a terrible betrayal. You may be right about the psychopathic part; it's possible. How terrible no matter what the diagnosis.


Again, I'm just glad you're far away from him, at least geographically.


Shall I wait for a specific question?


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Hey...I'm back and yes... I do have a question. Well a need for adivce...


I am really having a strong desire to TELL Bob that I KNOW what he


really is and how much I despise him.


 


I also am having a hard time understanding why I was so easily


decieved and never had a clue.... I feel so BETRAYED and duped and you would think I could have figured it out...I mean I lived with an alcoholic for 18 years. Bob's friend Jim, who is an ex marine and his wife Jane, are really having a hard time dealing withthis as well. Course they didn't sleep with Bob because they believed that he was being "real" when he told me he loved me....


 


So I would like to hear your thoughts on how best to deal with these emotions because I am tremendously angry, hurt, and feel so gullible.


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Julia,


Remarkable. I just finished working with a man in Canada via Skype who is grappling with such similar emotional distress. His former girlfriend was almost certainly suffering from very severe Borderline Personality Disorder as opposed to your suspicion about Antisocial Personality Disorder (psychopath). But the lies were so devastating that he was really depressed and just full of tremendous anger.



Julia, we worked on a number of things. But they all led to one truth, so to speak:


You are a normal person (creative and original, but normal). And you are used to looking at people as normal but with problems. That's how you looked at Bob and you were convinced that was who Bob was.


And now you're seeing that Bob was not normal. And so you are disoriented. You are not used to thinking of human beings as being mentally ill. Not normal. But you've come face to face with someone who you know in your bones would have used you like an object. That's just not normal. And you're disoriented. The man I worked with I had to work with as if he were traumatized. I don't know if you are, but that is what happens to us in trauma: we lose our orientation about life and what's normal.


So, resist whatever you do, contacting him. There's no point you can make that he will ever take in a "normal" way. It will only be used in some way to either get back into your orbit or to hurt you. You can write all the letters you need to, but do not send them to him. In the therapy with that man in Canada, he wrote a number of letters to her that he sent to me...


So, that's the answer. You had an encounter, too close for comfort, with real mental illness.


Julia, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey...


I appreciate your advice...and I also must tell you that it is so difficult to walk away because of the anger...the hurt is palatable. When I think of all the lies and deception... but what you have said is so true. I just don't think of people being capable of behaving this way. Of operating from a platform of deception and not thinking anything about it.


 


But more of a concern is not only how I could have been so deceived and not once get one good clue that things were not right... but how can I trust myself with anybody else in the future... I thought after Mark I was pretty well educated via al-anon to the horrible ways alcoholics can treat people. I have never encountered someone who's base character is amoral, narcissistic, and deceptive. I know the alcohol just makes all of that so much worse. I understand that I have come face to face with someone who is mentally ill now... and you are so right and I never would have thought of using that description but I do feel disoriented... like my platform for daily operation has been built on something less than solid ground I could use as a barometer for self-preservation.


 


I remember being so excited about going to see Bob and thinking he was terrific and so talented. I thought he had been so mistreated in his marriage....little did I know that he has apparently been a falling down drunk for years and she probably was dealing with him in the only way she could. I fell so deeply in love with someone who does not exist. I gave him some very cool gifts...and I want them back!


 


I recently talked to him because I wanted him to send me a cd that he had promised he would burn for me. It had not arrived and I thought to myself...I am going to harrass this man for however long it takes to get a least ONE thing that he promised to do. I did finally get it...but of course now I don't have any desire to play it because I have since learned of so much more deception.


 


My friend Cindy in Mississippi had meet Bob only via phone, when her ex husband passed away. A musician who Bob had known. He sent her a CD of his work and she thanked him for his kind act. She and I became friends thru the facebook wall after Bob's wreck. She is just a dear person and I am blessed with her friendship. But when Bob and I had that huge argument and he hung up on me...this was about 2 months before the catastrophic wreck, he started calling her and hitting on her. Bob has been telling Jim that he felt certain he was going to get "lucky" with her... so I'm sure he told Jim the same about me...and to my forever regret, he did just that...gave me a virus while he was at it. Now that Bob has hit a NEW even lower bottom, which he is still in denial that he has a drinking problem, I have encouraged her to stop calling him as it is probably fueling this idea that he is God's gift to women and he's looking for the next one to take care of him. He asked her early on how much money she made...he asked me the same thing as well. But he couches it so slyly in a conversation that it never occurs to you that it is out of line. How do I protect myself from the next sociopath narsissistic ego maniacal ass?


I actually don't want to become a old maid. But right now, Mr. Just Good Enough is even a concern....

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Julia,


Don't let yourself get depressed because you had an encounter with serious mental illness. That's what the man in Canada had to contend with. Avoid it.


Just move on and remember: don't doubt yourself. You weren't the undesirable one in this equation; you weren't the user. So, move on. Mr. Good Enough is good enough for me. I like it!


Go find him!


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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