How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Mark Your Own Question

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5109
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
50444359
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Mark is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My partner has been suffering from stress for a while, he has

Resolved Question:

My partner has been suffering from stress for a while, he has recently finished regular sessions with a psychologist which have really helped. Howerver he has never (8yrs) been able to ejaculate or reach orgasm through any other method than masturbating himself. I has hoped seeing his psychologist would help with this but he didn't raise it as he doesn't like talking about sex and so avoided the issue.
He gets distracted during sex and can't focus, which I hate as I'd like him to focus on the moment, but he can't. He always ensures I climax but sometimes is too goal-orientated, he says he enjoys sex but often I feel he says this to please me rather than because it is true.
He knows how I feel but I try not to mention it often for fear of giving him/increasing his performance anxiety.
I usually initiate sex, and he doesn't like intimate situations such as when I look him in the eye and he feels uncomfortable when I hold his hand or attempt other small, intimate gestures. He feels most relaxed and comfortable when spooning.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a normal young person and you are being very patient and understanding about your partner's sexual problems.

It seems from your description of his ability to ejaculate through masturbation that the problem is indeed psychological and not physiological. So that gives us a starting point to work from. But it also means that the resolution will most likely be a slow process rather than finding the right medication, which can be more speedy. Thus, your patience is going to be tested even more and that's a decision you have to be willing and ready to make.

I take it from the fact that he has to masturbate himself that even if you are masturbating him or engaging in oral sex it is too much emotional stress for him and he loses focus on the pleasure. This seems to be the pattern for him in losing focus: the involvement of another human being causes him emotional distress.

The key, then, is to slowly lessen the distress by getting him to agree to stages of success. Here's what I mean:

You write that he's very goal oriented in sex. This is most likely because being goal oriented is a way to deal with the emotional stress of the whole event of sex with another person. Therefore, the work we're initiating here is to make smaller goals. To get him to drop goals altogether will probably be too intimidating and distressing. So you are going to try to establish with him smaller goals: maintaining an erection long enough to enter your vagina. Then to extend that to long enough to kiss and hug with his penis inside of you. Etc.

Even before that, or with that, might be small goals such as to have you masturbate him for a certain number of minutes without him losing focus before he gives up and switches toward pleasuring you. Goals such as these.

Clearly, working with a psychologist is a good therapeutic model for him. But he needs to now extend that work in therapy to deal with his anxiety and distress at having sex with a partner. A goal may be to have him feel comfortable enough to have you come to session with him to discuss intimacy with his psychologist.

Another possibility is that you seek a psychologist or psychotherapist who is certified as a sex therapist as well. Here is the UK organization's therapist directory:

http://www.cosrt.org.uk/find_therapist.asp


Given our understanding of this as a psychological problem, he is clearly very sensitive and perhaps even traumatized emotionally. So you have to try to do these things and make these efforts gently and gradually. But it sounds from what you write that you are well aware of this and are a very gentle and loving person yourself.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you Dr Mark,


I would love for us to be able to see someone about this, but I know that at the moment it is just too big a step for him, which I understand.


His psychologist introduced him to the technique of "mindfulness", which he does alone, I have asked him about attempting to transfer these techniques to focus on his own pleasure, but he finds this very difficult.


He has very low self esteem and I am worried that he may feel undeserving of my affections and therefore subconciously not allow himself to enjoy being with me.


Thanks

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Yes, clearly this is involved in his emotional framework. What you say is very true. I sense, though, there must be a lot of things that happened in his childhood to create such a fragile sense of self-worth and so much stress and distress in being intimate with another human being, even when it's someone who is being so understanding as you are.


But I'm also concerned for you:


This is clearly going to be a long road for him. And you are a young person who also has rights to be important emotionally. What I mean is that sometimes in a relationship when one person is so injured emotionally, it is easy for his emotional needs to become dominant, to dominate the "atmosphere" in the relationship. And that can be not so good for the other person.


Because you also have the right to have a full emotional relationship where your needs are attended to and met. So, please consider this commitment as everything you write is pointing to very slow going here.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5109
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Dr. Mark and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education