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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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I am very concerned about my girlfriend. We reconnected after

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I am very concerned about my girlfriend. We reconnected after 7 years apart and unfortunately I lied to her about some things as I was ending a previous relationship and now she has severe trust issues. (understandable) She agreed to give me another chance. I came to feel truly remorseful and have since changed and have been trying to prove this. Emotionally she put everything into us and feels ultimate betrayal to the point where I have had concerns about her well being. Our communication is at a standstill and everytime she feels that something isn't as it should be she jumps in her car and wants to leave, which she says is temporary but several times done with the packing bags and text messages which are extrememly heated to put it mildly. When she does this I can't just let it go and internalize it as her abandoning me which creates mental trauma for me which she doesn't understand the depth of despite many conversations. Her botXXXXX XXXXXne is since I betrayed her it gives her free reign to do and say whatever she feels despite me having changed. She feels I should do everything imaginable for her which I would love to but she's not appreciating anything i've done. It's only been 3 weeks since the issue hit but I am really concerned that If I can't break thru it that she is mentally at the end of her rope.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I'd like to assist you with your question. Welcome!


 

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

First of all I must tell you I'm quite impressed how sensitive, genuine, and caring you sound about this. You sound like you have "covered all your bases" to reassure her that she can take steps to trust again.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Like you said it is "understandable" that she is feeling this way. You are experiencing just as much pain, guilt, and remorse. I'd say the two of you have a lot in common right now.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'd want to know from her what does "give you a chance" mean?

Customer:

meaning she didn't move out

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Three weeks simply may not be enough time for her. Something like this tends to create an oversensitivity and a tendency to over analyze most things.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What does give you a chance mean- in the sense what would she say that "looks like"?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Does it mean she will watch and see, wait and wonder, hope and pray etc. She would need to be the one to answer that question- we can make queses. What I'm getting at is that the two of you may need to talk more concretely about how do you measure progress in this- what is the goal- what does she need to see to ease her mind etc. Is she able to give it a time limit- a month, six weeks. If she would give you a more clear idea of what she is looking for can be helpful in this.

Customer:

computer battery died, she hates me at this moment and is in denial at the seriousness of her actions very confrontational. how do i disarm her

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This may have triggered something else for her- something bigger from her past that is coming up for her in an unconscious way. The way you describe being concerned for her. You can only do so much- and I'm hearing you say you are doing the best you can, considering her struggle with this. You disarm her with lots and lots of validation.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You listen a lot, and reflect over and over what you hear her saying, reflect on how she is feeling.

Customer:

it is triggering past issues. I have had my own mental issues and she is bringing them up. I am worried about her not me

Customer:

she is at a point of threating to do harm to herself and doesn't view this as a big deal

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Validation can do wonders with a person who is dealing with abandonment, betrayal type of stuff- you sound like you need the validation too- and deserve it just the same. Using "I" statements with her in a very calm way. No- it may be triggering stuff from her past that she is so upset?? I can understand your concerns when she makes self harm statements.

Customer:

shes reaching out but i'm not comforting her as she needs to feel

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do you think her reaction is "appropriate" to what has happened- or has she had emotional struggles before- this sounds like more than just heart ache and betrayal on her part.

Customer:

appropiate based on my betrayal and expectations that were set by me which i made a mistake in my actions. threats have happened several times and I end up having to find her before something happens and I am worried but when she comes back acts as if it's no big deal

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Maybe you have already, but asking her how you can comfort her specifically- what behavior could you do to reassure you your love and concern for her? When a person has experienced trauma in the past this may trigger something that is unresolved- but may not have a conscious awareness of it. There is only so much one person, such as yourself can do. She may need some more support through counseling.

Customer:

she does and I do too, I need to learn to control the abandonment part and let her cool off but i'm broken mentally and can't let her go because of my fear of what she will do

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This is now causing distress for you- realize what you can and can not have an impact on. I'm hearing you say you've apologized, been very present and available to her, and meet her needs as best you can. Yes- you worry about what she may do- that's traumatizing for you for sure!!

Customer:

I want to help her and know i need it as well. thank you for your answers.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes, giving her that space may be necessary- is she asking for time away when she leaves? She may need to get away because what you did- "you" represent all of that for her right now.

Customer:

this is beyond what i can do for her if she sees no good in what ive done. she says she needs to cool down

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Reminding her that you are there for her- but understand the hurt, pain, mistrust. Then you will have to work really hard to allow her to work through some of this.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Take lots of deep breaths- and yes give her some space to heal- to process this. If you respect that she will begin to relax a bit too.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Three weeks is really early in this- time can be the true healer.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Support for you is important- you are hurting and struggling to. Know you are doing the best you can- of course we wish we could go back and change things- but.... Now all you can do is identify those things you can and can not have an impact on. It can be a very powerless feeling for sure!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You both need and deserve time, support, assistance to guide you through this. Counseling would be a good idea- can feel very supportive and enlightening.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Did you have any other comments or questions? It's difficult- these affairs of the heart are challenging- not always the right exact answer of what you can do- allow her to lead in this- trust her as she works some of this out.

Customer:

thank you

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may have made mistakes but it does not mean it should be an endless, free for all punishment for you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome- please let me know if I can assist you again. I know it's difficult- you are not alone- lots of questions about relationships and heartache. You can get through this and you both and the relationship can be stronger if you are able to work through it.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you'd be so kind to rate my answer okay or higher in order for me to get credit- greatly appreciated. I glad you posted tonight- have hope, have faith, realize you are only one person, and can only do so much. She will have to do lots of this healing internally, on her own.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Simply stating to her: "I want this relationship to work, will do what I can, but we may need some extra help on this- it's bigger than us"...something like that. Sort of like waving a surrender flag- powerless and need some outside help.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

As difficult as this is- the best you may be able to do is allow her that time away to sort this out- if you support her in that she may feel more "safe" to come back- knowing you are supporting her.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Did you have other questions or are we good to go?

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
You can continue to post comments or questions on this format- I hope the chat and information was helpful to you. Thank you!! Jean

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