I would like to help you with your question.
Your question is likely on the lips of many, many women...
Finding an honest, open, compassionate, and loving partner is not an easy task...but certainly not an impossible one.
If you think that you have been "under the spell of" sociopathic men in your past...it might help to get some individual therapy as a way of better understanding your choices.
On the one hand, if your father and brother were sociopaths, then that is the blue-print you had of men. That is, your experience said men do X, Y, Z...and so when you started to date and get interested in men...you naturally looked for men that were like your father and brother.
And...from what you wrote...you did find these men! Unfortunately, what you also discovered was that this type of man was flawed and that you no longer wanted to be in committed relationships with men like this.
Likely the best thing you can do for yourself...is to focus your attention on yourself...so that you feel confident and in charge of your life.
I could suggest a book or two if you would be interested in doing some reading as well.
I see you are typing...I will wait for your reply.
This is true. But what do I look for when I want to find a man who is not a sociopath? How does a good man act? How does a good man treat me. I just know I am not happy with the men that have been in my life. Am I flawed?
No you are not flawed. The blue-print you were given was flawed.
The easy answer here is that you look for a man opposite the sociopaths you have known...but let's look at this with more clarity.
Tell me...how do you want to be treated? What are the top 3 or 4 key characteristics you would like to see in a man?
The above website might be helpful...
I would like a man that would be my partner. In that I mean that we can talk about our life together once we are appropriately connected. That we are ablr to common goals and openly able to disagree and come to a good joint decision. I would like a man who loves and cares about how I feel, even when I am not feeling well or am not the prettiest that day. I would like a man who finds out from me how to to make me happy.
I think you have made a good starting list...I encourage you to think about this more and continue to think about what YOU want...once you have a good idea of what you want...then you can pursue this. When I read what you wrote here is how it translates to me:
1. Partner. We share life.
2. Good communications.
3. We have a love bond.
Thank you for the resources that you have mentioned. I have not had very good experiences with therapist in the past. How do I look for a good therapist?
4. We respect and trust each other.
I would also suggest that you read:
Secrets, Lies and Betrayals by Maggie Scarf
Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns
Yes number 4 is very, very, very important for me. I long to be in a relationship were that is the guiding principle.
I would also recommend that you read Jean Auel's series on the Earth People. This is a very empowering series for women!!
Absolutely! Without trust relationships tend to fail...or go terribly off course.
To find a "good" therapist...first start at the top - by that I mean look for a psychologist. This is the highest level of education...and that's where you want to look. Then you can look at"
You will see that they have a tab on the home page: Locate a Therapist
You can plug in your city and/or zip code and a list of therapists in your area will come on the screen. You can further refine the search with the drop down menu on the left hand side. You will want to look under: relationship
Read through the profiles, paying attention to those who are psychologists and those who are not. Read through the profiles and pick out 3-5 that you feel good about. Some will also have websites and you can read through these.
Take a 2nd look through the profiles and pick out 3 folks to call. Get them on the phone and ask how they work with people who have the same concerns that you do. How do they sound on the phone? Do they sound professional? like they have experience? that you would feel comfortable with them.
Ask for a free session. That will give you a chance to sit down face to face and see if this is someone you can trust and work with.
How does that sound?
That sounds great. I will do that. I think is about time I look to be happy.
Absolutely! You deserve to be happy and to live the life you want!
Remember you have one and only one life! It's time you get living that life and
Thank you Dr. L
You are very welcome!
How Does Jean Auel's Earth People to be applied to my question?