I just recently got married in July to a wonderful man that I have been with for 8 years now. 4 years ago, he had a one night stand with someone and after a month of lies, I finally found out the truth- that he HAD indeed been with another woman. I stayed with him and he did
EVERYTHING he could to show me that he loved me and was sorry and wanted to be with only me. A year after that incident, I was still very angry with him for what he did. I couldnt shake it. I started school and began making more friends and became more confident. I became very 'flirtatious' for a time period that only lasted 6-7 months and did a few things on my own, nothing like what he did, but I never told my partner anything about it. A year and a half later went by and I could tell I was ready to marry this wonderful man that has done everything for me, loves me, cares for me. He is my best friend and I love him so much. 2 weeks before the wedding I got a sudden urge out of nowhere that I had to tell him what I had done behind his back, he had to know before we got married. I was so scared and was only able to tell him admit one thing I had done, and I lied about the details of it. He was so upset that I couldnt admit the rest, but I felt better. We got married and I was in the most blissful time of my life. SO happy to be with this man forever. I was thinking of having a baby with him because I could tell my loved had changed to something so much stronger than it ever had been before! 2 months after the wedding the guilt came back and I wound up admitting EVERYTHING I had ever done with these guys, detail by detail. It took 2 weeks for me to be able to confess everything because each time I told him something new I felt better and didnt think that I would have to tell him more, or I would remember more the next day and the guilt would eat me alive until I told him. I was in pure agony doing this to him and I was so scared at what else I would remember or how I was ruining my marriage right after we got married but I had to tell him because I loved him so much. I stopped eating, I was having panic
attacks and anxiety
constantly. This happened in the beginning of October. After I "calmed down" finally about the concious guilt I was feeling, I began to worry that he was going to die and I wouldnt be able to live without him. I began worrying that something bad would happen to him, like what if he got into an accident and his face was distorted and what if I couldnt love him after that because I wasnt attracted to him?! How could I do that?! And if I really loved him truly that wouldnt matter! I began freaking myself out so much that NOW I am nervous around him, question my love for him, wonder if I even have any feelings for him. I almost cant see us lasting much longer as a married couple. I have good days here and there where I feel back to normal, but sometimes I just see his face and it will trigger an anxiety attack. I feel like sometimes I am just seeing him for the first time, like he looks different to me and I'm picking out all his flaws. WHY am I doing this? 3 months ago I was the happiest I have ever been with him! How did it turn to this?! How can I fix it? I'm worried I've lost my love for him. And aftere all this, he still wants to be with me, he forgives me and I'm throwing it away! Please help with advice. Thank you.