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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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I just recently got married in July to a wonderful man that

Customer Question

I just recently got married in July to a wonderful man that I have been with for 8 years now. 4 years ago, he had a one night stand with someone and after a month of lies, I finally found out the truth- that he HAD indeed been with another woman. I stayed with him and he did EVERYTHING he could to show me that he loved me and was sorry and wanted to be with only me. A year after that incident, I was still very angry with him for what he did. I couldnt shake it. I started school and began making more friends and became more confident. I became very 'flirtatious' for a time period that only lasted 6-7 months and did a few things on my own, nothing like what he did, but I never told my partner anything about it. A year and a half later went by and I could tell I was ready to marry this wonderful man that has done everything for me, loves me, cares for me. He is my best friend and I love him so much. 2 weeks before the wedding I got a sudden urge out of nowhere that I had to tell him what I had done behind his back, he had to know before we got married. I was so scared and was only able to tell him admit one thing I had done, and I lied about the details of it. He was so upset that I couldnt admit the rest, but I felt better. We got married and I was in the most blissful time of my life. SO happy to be with this man forever. I was thinking of having a baby with him because I could tell my loved had changed to something so much stronger than it ever had been before! 2 months after the wedding the guilt came back and I wound up admitting EVERYTHING I had ever done with these guys, detail by detail. It took 2 weeks for me to be able to confess everything because each time I told him something new I felt better and didnt think that I would have to tell him more, or I would remember more the next day and the guilt would eat me alive until I told him. I was in pure agony doing this to him and I was so scared at what else I would remember or how I was ruining my marriage right after we got married but I had to tell him because I loved him so much. I stopped eating, I was having panic attacks and anxiety constantly. This happened in the beginning of October. After I "calmed down" finally about the concious guilt I was feeling, I began to worry that he was going to die and I wouldnt be able to live without him. I began worrying that something bad would happen to him, like what if he got into an accident and his face was distorted and what if I couldnt love him after that because I wasnt attracted to him?! How could I do that?! And if I really loved him truly that wouldnt matter! I began freaking myself out so much that NOW I am nervous around him, question my love for him, wonder if I even have any feelings for him. I almost cant see us lasting much longer as a married couple. I have good days here and there where I feel back to normal, but sometimes I just see his face and it will trigger an anxiety attack. I feel like sometimes I am just seeing him for the first time, like he looks different to me and I'm picking out all his flaws. WHY am I doing this? 3 months ago I was the happiest I have ever been with him! How did it turn to this?! How can I fix it? I'm worried I've lost my love for him. And aftere all this, he still wants to be with me, he forgives me and I'm throwing it away! Please help with advice. Thank you.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I'm available to assist you. Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry for the struggle in your life. This sounds very difficult- anxiety is tough to live with.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Have you experienced anxiety or depression in the past?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It would be great if you could join me for a live chat

Customer:

I have had depression issues in the past when I was in highschool. My father's side of the family suffers a lot from it.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for joining me Hello!

Customer:

hello!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This history made you more susceptible for sure

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like fear is driving this

Customer:

are we done chatting now?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You may have shut part of you off as a defense mechanism-to protect yourself- unconciously. Now he triggers you all over the place. You identify extreme fear once you "confessed". Figuring out what this anxiety and fear is trying to tell you is key. Not a,llowing yourself to get close is a symptom of the fear-again- to protect. FEAR, being afraid-when afraid we pull awayor shut down.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry it showed you were typing

Customer:

I just want to get back to how we used to be and if feels like we never will. i feel like I dont know how to get back to normal

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do have an idea why counseling was not helpful?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes you want your old self back.

Customer:

the counselor was very dry, I just thought maybe we didnt mesh

Customer:

I was thinking about hypnotherapy

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Counseling and maybe a trial on low dose of medication is the typically recommeended treatment.

Customer:

I'm not comfortable with medication at this point, I want to try everything I can before I do medication. Do you think I can fix this? If I'm feeling 'no love' for him at some points, does that mean I am falling out of love with him?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes a different mode of therapy- worth looking into, A good place to look for treatment providers is Psychology Today website. No I don't think you can answer that unless the anxiety is treated first.

Customer:

Does this happen often to others do you know? Does fear make people do these things? I feel so alone, like I'm the only one that is going through this

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You can not know if you do or do not love him until those layers are peeled away. You may be "numb"- again as a defense. It's quite common-you are in good company- I see it daily as a therapist

Customer:

I somewhat understand, but I did love him immensly when we got married and right after, on my good days I feel it. When my anxiety hits, its the fear talking I think. I just cant believe that I might not love him anymore

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It can throw you off- you did not ask for this- has come uninvited-need to figure out what "it" wants. A separate identity of sorts. Does this relationship remind you of one from the past?

Customer:

I think I'm just blown away that I did things to him. I feel so upset with myself. I think that I am blown away that I did those things to him in the past. My dad cheated on my mom when I was in highschool for years. I fear that I dont trust myself.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I think your thoughts are anxious and fearful thoughts- maybe not accurate. I suppose when you get to the root- you will know if you are no longer in love. This may have opened a big can of worms related to your parents.

Customer:

ok, I feel that I know i love him, maybe i'm just not attracted to him like I used to be right now. I wonder what the root could be. It scares me- i dont want to think that there could be something worse waiting for me

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are not your parents-even if you said you'd never do such a thing- you are human. Do you remember being angry at your Dad or Mom? No it may be just the stuff we are talking about today- be not afraid-it will be okay- this can get better.

Customer:

Very very angry with my dad for years. Just recently we have gotten better with our relationship

Customer:

i feel that my husband and I are very needy with each other. he had a distant mom and my dad wasnt home and my mom worked a lot. we both didnt have that much attention. My parents were caring, just busy all the time

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Concentrate on some deep beathing, relaxation, and getting some exercise. The symptoms are treatable. It may be worthwhile to tap more into the family stuff for more insight.

Customer:

ok, yeah i need to stay positive. I will probably get more therapy

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your parents were distant and now you are distant- something may have triggered that. You may have learned to rely on self more-then it became clingy-have to strike a balance.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I would encourage therapy- you will find one this time you mesh with-

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Journal writing can help

Customer:

ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX try that

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You took an important step to look at this- good job!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome -please let me know if I can assist you again.

Customer:

i've been getting having panic attacks when these feelings come on, because i'm fighting them. I

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes give those emotions a place- they need to be expressed.

Customer:

ok thank you! Have a good day

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your fight or flight - danger button has been pushed-can be exhausting,

Customer:

yes very exhausting!!! i'm tired all the time

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Take a brisk walk- even if it's cool. Would you be so kind to rate my answer ok or higher so I can get credit- Thanks,

Customer:

of course. thanks!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm I'm sorry meant to include this link for additional information. Best wishes to you. Thank you for your post and rating.

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