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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Hi I just feel I am doing stuff that not appropriate and I

Resolved Question:

Hi I just feel I am doing stuff that not appropriate and I am not feeling I am myself anymore. I just breakup a relationship
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I'm available to assist you. Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Can you tell me a bit more about what you are struggling with please?

Customer:

thanks for your reply

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome- thanks for your post. When it comes to matters of the heart we are not always so "rational"

Customer:

I just keep thinking about my relationship and I am trying to get it over it many times but I can not

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Were you the one who ended it?

Customer:

now no

Customer:

he did

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Even if you did end it- the loss of a relationship is like a death- sometimes worse because they still exist.

Customer:

the issue I met him in very strange circumstances

Jean N/20pluscounts :

How long were you in this relationship? You may be grieving the loss- similar to a death- lots of ruminating goes into that.

Customer:

4 years now

Customer:

I know

Customer:

but I am tiered of that

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's a long time- what are the strange circumstances if you wouldn't mind sharing.

Customer:

first of all he get my number from I do not where and he starting to send me sms

Customer:

he told me that he wants a help financially and emotionally

Customer:

and he told me he is engaged

Customer:

then I said to my self it is okay to just help

Customer:

so I told him to come over because I believed him at that time

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He's contacting you now since the breakup? Ouch- that's hurtful- it is probably better not to have contact. It just hurts you again.

Customer:

no no

Customer:

I am sorry I was not so clear

Customer:

I was telling you how I met him

Customer:

I do not want to bother you

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I get it- go on..

Jean N/20pluscounts :

No bother I assure you! Getting more information may help me better help you.

Customer:

then I let him to come and stay with me to let him have some kind of secure to help him to let him get better

Customer:

and then he came and I was trying to use to being with a man -strange- living with me

Customer:

I was a phd student and I am still and he was a painter and he told me that he engaged

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Challenging way to begin with him being engaged- I'm sure-

Customer:

I know and I was trying to respect that limit though within a week he try to kiss and hugs and unfortunately I let it fo

Customer:

go

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You were attracted to him- and he was so close- hard not to fall.

Customer:

but I felt so bad and I felt gulty and I asked him how he explain or see our relationship

Customer:

he said as you want

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sounds like you had intentions to be more careful- but fell- matters of the heart- feeling vs. thinking sometimes in these matters.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You felt guilty, but he was charming right?

Customer:

YES and hurts so much I asked him about his fiance who were not at the same

Customer:

yes

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He knew just what to say to you to pull you in.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You fell for him hard right- the last thing you intended to have happen

Customer:

honestly I do not know

Customer:

but what I am so sure about is that I wwas giving so much for him to help him

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It can be so confusing- you likely replay it all over and over trying to make sense out of it. You are a caring person I bet- naturally care and help?

Customer:

but that is hurts so so so mcuh

Customer:

even I was telling him many times jsut let it go go away from my life

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Some people have a skill at drawing others in, sneeks up on you- did not plan for it.

Customer:

and he was saying no I own you something and I want to give it back to you

Customer:

honeslty I do not want be like that any more

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- you opened your heart, allowed yourself to be vulnerable- we do not plan for those things- just happens sometimes. It does hurt!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It surprises you that you got involved in this and fell so hard? Don't be too hard on yourself- happens to the best of them.

Customer:

last time he hurts me a lot and he plaming me that I am the one who was planning to do that

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It is something that happend, does not mean it is who you are. Looking back is always clearer. You did the best at the time- you had good intentions, I'm sure.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

When did this end?

Customer:

thank you for reassuring but the thing that bothered me a lot is I decided to change my number and not talk to him and I changed my number and I just today send him sms

Customer:

1firs of this month

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He blames you? Projects blame onto you- but doesn't take responsibility for the part he played? It's hard to "shake him" like a "drug"- hard to stay away-

Customer:

you are right but I am taired really and I could not even write a word in my papers

Customer:

no nothing

Customer:

he did not even say he is mistaken

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Just because you sent him sms- does not mean you are weak- it's a slip? He sounds like the kind of guy who weaves a web- the girl does not see it coming- he's so good at it.

Customer:

I did not get it

Jean N/20pluscounts :

This is puzzling to you- the affect he is having on you? He's hard to forget- he left quite an impression on you. This will take time- again- do not be too hard on yourself.

Customer:

how I can not be so hard on my self

Customer:

I was trying to just be my self again

Customer:

doing the stuff that I used to do

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do you think you did something wrong?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

to know him

Customer:

to change my personality just to satisfied him

Customer:

this is my mistake

Customer:

I was being with him and trying to protect him

Customer:

I was trying to be his friend and his guard that is my mistake

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Is it guilt you struggle with the most, along with loss? We have to get to the point that we chalk it up to a learning experience. You had the best intentions- to protect him- you have a good heart- those who are sensitive also get hurt easily.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Trying to be his friend- again- the best intentions

Customer:

but even he ignored my sms

Customer:

it is not his mistake I know

Customer:

even not mine

Customer:

I know

Customer:

but I need to get over that

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It hurts again that he ignores you- yes- opens those wounds again. Sometimes writing about your thoughts and feelings can ease this a bit, find support to share this- process this- it will with time and support ease a bit.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The true healer with loss is time- no quick fixes- it will ease gradually.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's normal to go through the grief process in a time like this- replaying it all, sadness, anger, ... grandually we get to more acceptance.

Customer:

Agree but I am concern about my study now

Customer:

I was trying to focus but I can not

Customer:

I suppose to write two paper I finished one and I suppose to finish the other one today but I could not

Customer:

this is another issue

Customer:

a year ago I was failing my comperehensive exam

Customer:

though my GPA was 3.5 over 4

Customer:

and this was the first time in my life to fail

Customer:

but thanks god I got over it and I found new supervisor

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The more you try to stop thinking about it the more you will think about it. Yes, I'm sure it interferes in your studies- schedule a time in your day to plan on thinking about this, writing about this- must give it a place to be expessed. Hey one out of two is good considering your struggle right now. Your studies are important- but you are quite occupied with this- yes. You will get back on track- especially because you are concerned- motivated- wanting to do well. Glad you got over it!

Customer:

and they help a lot and I do not want to give them a bad impression and even I do not want to dai again

Customer:

thank you so so so much but again I feel I need a help

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You sound driven, successful- there are great things ahead for you because of your hard work- committment to your studies. Have you considered some brief counseling?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's okay to need help- we need others to support us more some times. It's okay to ask for the help you need. You are human-

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do you put pressure on yourself that you "should" just get over this? You've been hurt and need time to heal- that's where the support comes in.

Customer:

right

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Careful to "should" on yourself- you are hurting- allow yourself to expess those emotions-

Customer:

how?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Anyone in your situation would feel as you do. Find support- friends, family, counselor, writing about your thoughts and feelings. Journal writing can help.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Consider scheduling time to think about this vs. thinking all the time about it- sometimes that can help ease the ruminating.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

When thoughts come up- remind yourself you will "get to it" at the scheduled time- sounds strange but it does help.

Customer:

I was trying that

Customer:

but I felt that I am in a circle

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I've even suggested to people to schedule "worry" time and it lessens their worry- by the time they get to the journal it has eased.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Is there counseling available to you?

Customer:

sorry for bothering but seriously

Customer:

you know what I will try again

Customer:

to get it over by using worry timer

Customer:

:)

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's worth a try- it's tough for sure!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your heart is hurting- just like a physical hurt- needs time and tender loving care to heal. You never set out for this to happen. It just does sometimes.

Customer:

you are right my hear hurts me like I am dying

Customer:

but I hope I will be strong

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's important to validate your feelings- normalize them- what would you tell a good friend if she was dealing with this- tell yourself the same thing.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's not a comfortable emotion- heart ache.

Customer:

no it is not

Customer:

but thank you so much for your advice

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are "in it", once you get past it- yes you will- you will be much more eligntened.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Stronger too!

Customer:

right!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It will get better- find people to support you- that you can lean on a bit.

Customer:

should I tell them or just be with them

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If it brings comfort just being near people can help- but it's okay to share this- we have all been hurt in love.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

When we share with others we feel less alone- helps in the healing.

Customer:

I am a Muslim and Arabic female and you can imagine how bad it is if I will let others know if I staid with a man without marriage

Customer:

and this what let me feel guilty

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Off course- complicates things a bit.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm really glad you posted your question tonight- I enjoyed the chat- I hope it helped a bit.

Customer:

yes you did help me a lot

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Let me know if I can help again. Would you be so kind to rate my answer okay or higher so I can get credit. Thanks!!

Customer:

thank you so much and I really appreciate it

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Post again, any time- you can request me if you'd like.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome-

Customer:

I will for sure

Customer:

thanks again

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Best wishes to you!

Customer:

same to you with all my best wishes

Jean N/20pluscounts :

thank you so much!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Jean
Jean
Mental Health Professional
433 Satisfied Customers
Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)