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Can you tell me a bit more about what you are struggling with please?
thanks for your reply
You are welcome- thanks for your post. When it comes to matters of the heart we are not always so "rational"
I just keep thinking about my relationship and I am trying to get it over it many times but I can not
Were you the one who ended it?
Even if you did end it- the loss of a relationship is like a death- sometimes worse because they still exist.
the issue I met him in very strange circumstances
How long were you in this relationship? You may be grieving the loss- similar to a death- lots of ruminating goes into that.
4 years now
but I am tiered of that
That's a long time- what are the strange circumstances if you wouldn't mind sharing.
first of all he get my number from I do not where and he starting to send me sms
he told me that he wants a help financially and emotionally
and he told me he is engaged
then I said to my self it is okay to just help
so I told him to come over because I believed him at that time
He's contacting you now since the breakup? Ouch- that's hurtful- it is probably better not to have contact. It just hurts you again.
I am sorry I was not so clear
I was telling you how I met him
I do not want to bother you
I get it- go on..
No bother I assure you! Getting more information may help me better help you.
then I let him to come and stay with me to let him have some kind of secure to help him to let him get better
and then he came and I was trying to use to being with a man -strange- living with me
I was a phd student and I am still and he was a painter and he told me that he engaged
Challenging way to begin with him being engaged- I'm sure-
I know and I was trying to respect that limit though within a week he try to kiss and hugs and unfortunately I let it fo
You were attracted to him- and he was so close- hard not to fall.
but I felt so bad and I felt gulty and I asked him how he explain or see our relationship
he said as you want
Sounds like you had intentions to be more careful- but fell- matters of the heart- feeling vs. thinking sometimes in these matters.
You felt guilty, but he was charming right?
YES and hurts so much I asked him about his fiance who were not at the same
He knew just what to say to you to pull you in.
You fell for him hard right- the last thing you intended to have happen
honestly I do not know
but what I am so sure about is that I wwas giving so much for him to help him
It can be so confusing- you likely replay it all over and over trying to make sense out of it. You are a caring person I bet- naturally care and help?
but that is hurts so so so mcuh
even I was telling him many times jsut let it go go away from my life
Some people have a skill at drawing others in, sneeks up on you- did not plan for it.
and he was saying no I own you something and I want to give it back to you
honeslty I do not want be like that any more
Yes- you opened your heart, allowed yourself to be vulnerable- we do not plan for those things- just happens sometimes. It does hurt!
It surprises you that you got involved in this and fell so hard? Don't be too hard on yourself- happens to the best of them.
last time he hurts me a lot and he plaming me that I am the one who was planning to do that
It is something that happend, does not mean it is who you are. Looking back is always clearer. You did the best at the time- you had good intentions, I'm sure.
When did this end?
thank you for reassuring but the thing that bothered me a lot is I decided to change my number and not talk to him and I changed my number and I just today send him sms
1firs of this month
He blames you? Projects blame onto you- but doesn't take responsibility for the part he played? It's hard to "shake him" like a "drug"- hard to stay away-
you are right but I am taired really and I could not even write a word in my papers
he did not even say he is mistaken
Just because you sent him sms- does not mean you are weak- it's a slip? He sounds like the kind of guy who weaves a web- the girl does not see it coming- he's so good at it.
I did not get it
This is puzzling to you- the affect he is having on you? He's hard to forget- he left quite an impression on you. This will take time- again- do not be too hard on yourself.
how I can not be so hard on my self
I was trying to just be my self again
doing the stuff that I used to do
Do you think you did something wrong?
to know him
to change my personality just to satisfied him
this is my mistake
I was being with him and trying to protect him
I was trying to be his friend and his guard that is my mistake
Is it guilt you struggle with the most, along with loss? We have to get to the point that we chalk it up to a learning experience. You had the best intentions- to protect him- you have a good heart- those who are sensitive also get hurt easily.
Trying to be his friend- again- the best intentions
but even he ignored my sms
it is not his mistake I know
even not mine
but I need to get over that
It hurts again that he ignores you- yes- opens those wounds again. Sometimes writing about your thoughts and feelings can ease this a bit, find support to share this- process this- it will with time and support ease a bit.
The true healer with loss is time- no quick fixes- it will ease gradually.
It's normal to go through the grief process in a time like this- replaying it all, sadness, anger, ... grandually we get to more acceptance.
Agree but I am concern about my study now
I was trying to focus but I can not
I suppose to write two paper I finished one and I suppose to finish the other one today but I could not
this is another issue
a year ago I was failing my comperehensive exam
though my GPA was 3.5 over 4
and this was the first time in my life to fail
but thanks god I got over it and I found new supervisor
The more you try to stop thinking about it the more you will think about it. Yes, I'm sure it interferes in your studies- schedule a time in your day to plan on thinking about this, writing about this- must give it a place to be expessed. Hey one out of two is good considering your struggle right now. Your studies are important- but you are quite occupied with this- yes. You will get back on track- especially because you are concerned- motivated- wanting to do well. Glad you got over it!
and they help a lot and I do not want to give them a bad impression and even I do not want to dai again
thank you so so so much but again I feel I need a help
You sound driven, successful- there are great things ahead for you because of your hard work- committment to your studies. Have you considered some brief counseling?
It's okay to need help- we need others to support us more some times. It's okay to ask for the help you need. You are human-
Do you put pressure on yourself that you "should" just get over this? You've been hurt and need time to heal- that's where the support comes in.
Careful to "should" on yourself- you are hurting- allow yourself to expess those emotions-
Anyone in your situation would feel as you do. Find support- friends, family, counselor, writing about your thoughts and feelings. Journal writing can help.
Consider scheduling time to think about this vs. thinking all the time about it- sometimes that can help ease the ruminating.
When thoughts come up- remind yourself you will "get to it" at the scheduled time- sounds strange but it does help.
I was trying that
but I felt that I am in a circle
I've even suggested to people to schedule "worry" time and it lessens their worry- by the time they get to the journal it has eased.
Is there counseling available to you?
sorry for bothering but seriously
you know what I will try again
to get it over by using worry timer
It's worth a try- it's tough for sure!!
Your heart is hurting- just like a physical hurt- needs time and tender loving care to heal. You never set out for this to happen. It just does sometimes.
you are right my hear hurts me like I am dying
but I hope I will be strong
It's important to validate your feelings- normalize them- what would you tell a good friend if she was dealing with this- tell yourself the same thing.
It's not a comfortable emotion- heart ache.
no it is not
but thank you so much for your advice
You are "in it", once you get past it- yes you will- you will be much more eligntened.
It will get better- find people to support you- that you can lean on a bit.
should I tell them or just be with them
If it brings comfort just being near people can help- but it's okay to share this- we have all been hurt in love.
When we share with others we feel less alone- helps in the healing.
I am a Muslim and Arabic female and you can imagine how bad it is if I will let others know if I staid with a man without marriage
and this what let me feel guilty
Off course- complicates things a bit.
I'm really glad you posted your question tonight- I enjoyed the chat- I hope it helped a bit.
yes you did help me a lot
Let me know if I can help again. Would you be so kind to rate my answer okay or higher so I can get credit. Thanks!!
thank you so much and I really appreciate it
Post again, any time- you can request me if you'd like.
You are welcome-
I will for sure
Best wishes to you!
same to you with all my best wishes
thank you so much!