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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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i am 40yrs, my boyfriend 51 years, together 11 years. I believe,

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i am 40yrs, my boyfriend 51 years, together 11 years. I believe, his over-parenting, dysfunctional, obsessive way with his eldest daughter, now 21 yrs, comes between us. He thinks its natural father-daughter love and protection. I say its her being manipulative and him being a way to live his life through her eyes. Am I wrongly jealous, or is this wrong. The younger daughter (18 yrs) lives with the mother, doesnt have time for my partner, and never gets any "financial" help from my partner. Things in isolation: my partner ignored me on a "family" holiday because the eldest daughter was there (with her boyfriend), just bought her a very expensive luxury car, paid for her boob enhancement, paid for her lip enhancement, treats her like walking on egg shells. The other child he ignores and says the "maintenance" should be enough. He doesnt treat me the way i want emotionally ( i love cuddles) or sees me ok financially ( i do just about borderline ok). I just want to know if I'm being greedy?!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

From what you've described, it does sound like your boyfriend goes out of his way to provide for his oldest daughter and that she can monopolize his attention even when you're around. This may come from good intentions on his part, and he may only want her to be happy and honestly feel like he is doing the best he can for her. However it sounds like his priorities are focused mainly on her, and that there is a large difference in the way that he treats her as compared to the way he treats his younger daughter and yourself. After a while it is only natural to feel frustrated with that type of situation.

Considering that his daughters are now grown adults, then as his partner it seems only fair and reasonable that you should expect to be one of the top priorities in his life and treated that way. If you're not being treated that way, then it seems less about you being greedy, and more about wanting to be treated as a higher priority in his life. After having been together for 11 years that seems understandable, and would be different if you had recently started dating or had only been together for a short time.

To some extent if he is in denial about his over-involvement in his eldest daughter's life, there may only be limited progress you can make until he is willing to admit this. However I think it is safe to say that your concerns are justified, and that wanting to be treated like a higher priority seems only natural and appropriate considering your relationship together, and not the result of greed. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I know that i am being treated with a different "priority". But i expected you to say how i could change things or if these situations are not changeable after 11 years. Not being greedy is one thing - financially on the make, but i asked if i was wrongly jealous, thats what he accuses me of. Is he right?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

did you see my other written reply? I asked that whilst i know there is a problem, what do i do to sort it out, or do i leave knowing it cant be sorted out. Either way, is what i am feeling justified, is it jealously? If so is it normal?

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.

I'm sorry to see that you left me a poor review and would certainly like to change that. I apologize if I misunderstood your question or what information you were specifically looking for, so please let me know if there is anything else I can to do help you out. Your question specifically asked if you were being greedy, so that is what I focused my attention on.

To answer your follow up question, I certainly don't think you are wrong to be jealous, because the same idea applies. He is treating his older daughter as a higher priority than you, so as his partner of 11 years, it is only natural that you would be jealous of that. He may be right in some ways by saying that you are jealous, but he is also bringing this upon himself in the way that he treats his daughter compared to you.
Whether or not it is possible to change this depends on whether or not he believes that this is a problem that needs to be changed. From what you described it sounds like he is in denial that is a problem, and that certainly makes it difficult to create change. After 11 years if this is the way he has always been then he is most likely pretty set in his ways, but I would still hope that he would be receptive of conversations focused on making your relationship better. You are not wrong to feel jealous of this situation, but resolving it does depend on whether or not he is willing to reexamine his priorities.
Ryan

Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
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