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Ask Dr. Keane Your Own Question
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1766
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Dear Dr. Keane (live chat) just curious, what makes a person

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Dear Dr. Keane (live chat) just curious, what makes a person be hard on themselves?

Dr.Keane :

Hi

Dr.Keane :

there are many reasons, could range from expectations, self esteem issues. An easy example of this is when a person is expected to attain a goal (by parents, coaches, bosses, society etc) and they find it difficult or just an impossible feat they blame themselves and then the negative self talk begins and well you know the rest right?

Customer:

can I be really cheeky and quickly ask another question. if a child is being very disruptive and had lots of warnings and explanations and knows what the rules are, it's okay for them to have to put, say, their favourite toy down as an example and to keep re=enforcing that.

Customer:

Yes I know the rest.

Dr.Keane :

It could also happen when a person does experience success in their own eyes but others do not acknowledge or brush off the accomplishment . In other words they are validated ..that can be words, actions, goals etc.

Customer:

I see

Dr.Keane :

yes, the behavior in order to be eradicated the child learns that they "earn" the right to play with the toy. Behavioral techniques that work.

Dr.Keane :

Not punishment, not you can't have this toy because you are no listening etc, but calmly take it away and let the child know what they can do to earn it back...

Dr.Keane :

not listening

Customer:

thanks. Had a feeling what I was doing was right, just wanted to make sure. It was done in a calm voice.

Dr.Keane :

And if this is a classroom situation I'd keep a log of behavior, child may not be able to refrain from acting out and that may need to be addressed with parents

Customer:

and, yes said what to do to earn it back.

Customer:

Well, that's what I wondered would be the next step if this doesn't work, good to know.

Dr.Keane :

want to reinforce good behavior and ignore bad behavior. So if you see this is being done on purpose to get your attention you ignore, don't discuss rules etc more than once or twice, just remove the toy and go on with your work. Once they realize you are reacting, they usually stop...or hopefully stop!

Dr.Keane :

Have to be carful with children, you don't know what the parenting style at home is, does the child run the house, get his/her way at home....it's difficult to pin down without observing

Customer:

thanks, XXXXX XXXXX me so much on that. Not always easy to know if doing the right thing at times you see.

Customer:

Indeed.

Customer:

I'll be seeing the parent soon anyway.

Dr.Keane :

good, glad I was here, on my way to work. How old is the child?

Customer:

5 going on 6

Dr.Keane :

boy?

Customer:

yes

Dr.Keane :

how did I know? ha...old saying was boys will be boys and they are more disruptive than girls at this age but they are also able to understand the rules.

Customer:

oh and thank you for your post yesterday too

Customer:

Yes indeed

Dr.Keane :

you are welcome, have to go or I'll be very late rather than late......

Customer:

you have boys yourself right?

Dr.Keane :

leave any posts and I'll see them later.....

Customer:

thanks, XXXXX XXXXX to make you late. Have a good day

Customer:

yes, you are right, boys will be boys and all that. Definitely sounds like you've experience of both boys and girls and remembered from ages ago seeing you were a teacher at somepoint in your career and that you're a parent, so I figured (and rightly so) that you would know and understand the situation. It's just without being a parent myself and knowing that sometimes (although thankfully much, much less these days) there can be comeback from that, almost like at times it can amaze people that I work with kids at times but have none of my own. I think my work colleague is supportive of the angle I was taking as the colleague was almost out of ideas. So, I feel firmer and more confident in the decision I took in handling this situation. Much more than what I had felt before chatting to you, so I too am glad you logged on and noticed my post when you did, before you started work. I have to go now as I have more work to do too.

Customer:

Thank you and I hope that your day goes well.

Customer:

Hope too that you weren't too late for work today. I appreciate you spending the time with me today.

Customer:

I also want to add that I think I was curious about what makes a person hard on themselves because, well, as you know I am always trying not to be so hard on myself and thought that if I asked just a general question like that, then it may help me with that.

Customer:

Anyway, I hope you get I the rest of what I wrote.

Customer:

I definitely feel more confident about work tomorrow after talking it over with you.

Dr.Keane :

got it.....so ignore that last response, now there are two chats going....

Dr.Keane :

okay, glad you got it all sorted out.....glad you are feeling confident!

Dr. Keane and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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