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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5241
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello, im just wondering if i have started dating someone

Resolved Question:

Hello, i'm just wondering if i have started dating someone with narcissist personality disorder. I say started, but its been 4 months. Ok, so what he has done/does to make me question this. By the end of the first date he told me he wasnt looking anymore (online) and was coming off the site. I wondered 1 and half hours into our date when he was going to stop telling me all the incredible stories about himself and ask me a question. He did, finally. On the second date he told me he wanted to take me away to spain for the weekend. I told him he must be joking! Over the next few weeks i was bombarded with flowers and texts ( admittedly he was working in the flower industry) but it just felt too much and yet at the same time i was lapping up the romance of it all. And yet i felt "something" was wrong. By the 3rd month he asked me to marry him, probably enforced by the fact that as a christian he knows that i would have no sex before marriage. I told him it was too soon. He does things for me all the time to the degree that i had to tell him last week that i was very independent and feel that he is disempowering me and cutting me off when i speak leaving me feeling belittled. He took it very well and did back off and say that he was aware that he cut me off and wouldnt do it again. He hasnt cut me off again yet, exactly but all, and i mean all conversations revert back to him and him talking "at me". As if he monopolises conversations and holds court. He does it in public too. At the same time he seems to be the kindest, most generous person who will do anything for anyone. But the more time goes on the more, not only deflated do i feel, but resentful everytime he even opens his mouth as i think what information is he going to tell me as if he knows everything and his amazing stories about himself must be heard. It has become tedious, annoying, and deflating at the same time. And yet i sort of feel sorry for him. But i am not his therapist and i do not want to be co-dependent. So, i am at a crossroads. Should i say something and hope things change or say something and leave hoping that i am not cutting off my nose as he is so warm and loving and would do anything for me. Gosh, i sound like a confused fool. You are in the states i believe and therefore probably at least 5 hours behind. I will keep checking my computer nevertheless. thank you in advance.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX X'd like to help you out.

The amount of people who truly have narcissistic personality disorder is relatively small, however, from what you've described, it is certainly safe to say that at the very least, this man has some very narcissistic traits that are affecting your relationship. It sounds lke he lacks some self awareness to this, and if that is the case you are probably not the only one to have been made to feel annoyed and deflated by his behavior.

This does not mean that he is not a good guy, or does not have some very positive personality traits. It does sound like his intentions are generally good even if they are somewhat self absorbed, so it does make it a difficult position for you to be in. I respect the fact that you are wary of becoming co-dependant, but at the same time if you are feeling like this now, it is almost certain that something will have to change in order for this to work in the long run.

If you are considering leaving anyway, it sounds like you have nothing to lose by confronting this behavior, unless you have just reached a point personally where it doesn't feel right and you are finished. Whether or not he is able to comprehend this or make the necessary changes is difficult to say, but you may be able to tell a lot by his reaction to what you've said to him. It sounds like he genuinely has tried to not cut you off after you confronted him about it, so it seems possible that if he knew exactly what needs to change in order to make this work, that he would put forth some effort.

I know you're in a tough spot and I definitely wish you the best with all of this. If there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Ryan
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
i wanted a female expert to answer and was under the impression through the system that i was going to be speaking to someone else.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Ryan,


to be honest, when it came to giving a deposit to paypall i had been given the impression it was another female expert i was going to be talking to. Can you please direct me to someone else?


thanks anyway.


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It could be that the man you are dating is narcissistic. He certainly displays some of the traits of narcissism- focus on himself, ignoring your needs, etc. But it is just as likely that he is Bipolar. What you describe sounds like the manic phase of Bipolar disorder. That can explain the intensity of his actions as well as his inability to focus on your needs.

Whatever is going on with him, your feelings about this relationship are important. You certainly cannot stay with someone who runs the relationship based on what he wants and ignores what you want. The person you are is being edged out and his personality is taking over. You are right to be concerned.

Because he also has such good traits being kind, loving and generous, you may not want to leave just yet. If he is willing to listen to you and is willing to work on this issue, you may still be able to be together. And he can work on developing this side of himself.

One thing to find out is whether or not he has sought help to deal with his issues. Running over someone in a relationship and being intense enough to want to marry you before he gets to even know you well says there is more going on than he is in love with you. His personality is all encompassing, which is usually a sign that there is a problem. If he is willing to seek help, or already has, that means he recognizes he has a problem and is willing to work on it. That says a lot about his potential to overcome these issues and be a better partner.

You may also want to back off the relationship a little bit Let him know that while you like him, you need more time to get to know him. Limit his contact with you. Tell him you are only available certain days. If he calls and you talk, then end the call with "talk to you.." then tell him a certain day that it at least a few days away. If he calls before then with anything but an emergency, then cut him off gently and tell him you will talk with him on the day you named. By doing this, you gain some control in the relationship and you can also see how he reacts, which will tell you a lot about whether or not you should stay with him.

I hope this helps you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5241
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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