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It sounds like you have played the role of caretaker they way you describe supporting your mother and now the rest of your family.
It's difficult to make changes, especially when your family has looked to you for such support.
This level of stress is not healthy for you- and it sounds like you worry it is interferring in your ability to get pregnant.
Now that you are looking to start your own family it's a good time to set those limits with your family. It's natural that you would feel guility- "should" you feel guility- certainly easy for me to say- no- you've done nothing wrong, and may likely be a victim of the emotional blackmail you describe.
It's interesting how children naturally take on certain roles in a family, where there is some sort of deficit. You took on that role of "parent", it came natural for you, and for some reason you believed it was necessary to be that person. Now that you are an adult, a time when we can give up those roles- we continue- that's natural. Not healthy so much- but natural- you had good training to be the caretaker.
You are torn between a desire to separate, focus on your own family, and your long time loyalty to your family.
Yes thank you I agree, it is very difficult and sometimes I worry why my partner is still here
Hello, thank you for joining me! There is a difference between being a supportive family member and giving all of yourself- to the point you have little left for yourself or family.
I want my mum to a talk to some one but she blames others and I am trying to tell her that she need to fix herself first and the rest will follow. She can't keep living in her room and it makes me not want to visit. I feel since I left home the family has fallen apart. (I am not putting tickets on myself, it just feels that way).
It is a very long drawn out days of our lives story, I don't know where to start I just thought I would ask.
Your family may be more understanding when you share your honest feelings with them. Letting them know you are looking at ways to reduce your stress, and one of them is taking better care of you, putting boundaries on how much you "give" to others. You your husband and family to be -needs to be your focus. This will not be easy- of course- to take steps to speak up, it's scary to consider it, I'm sure, when you've been such a caretaker, helper, maybe a peace keeper too. Your family depended on you for a lot- but it's time to pass that torch. Even with the best of intentions we tend to enable others to continue as they are.
I have spoken up a few times, probably not the way I would have liked. My family do realise this and my mum says she understands and says things like "I won't visit you anymore", "I will take Lucas (my little brother) and leave" or she blames my partner for taking me away from her. Then I worry about her doing some thing silly. (suicide). My younger sister received a text message the other day that said "Got no smokes, might slit my throat!" I'm sorry to say this, but this is a regular thing. When my mums is around I feel very sick in the stomach and can't concentrate. This is not right because I love my mum to death and I want her to be happy but I can't do it for her.
You sound like you are in an important place right now in what you write, what you are expressing. You seem ready to make changes, or continue to be stressed and overwhelmed. You are at a fork in the road- and you may be ready to choose a new and different path. Are you familar with the term co dependency? Many people who caretake, and give too much of themself tend to qualify for this. The term orginated in the alcohol and drug abuse field. Family members who love a dysfunctional person or family are more apt to become co dependent. So focused on others needs, we forget ourself, lose ourself in a sense. Your family will have to learn to be more self sufficent- they may not be happy about it- but they remain stuck in their dependency because you have been so giving.
I am and thank you so much talking to me. I am not crazy am I? I know I just need to change my way of thinking. I have to because I am also snapping at work and at home. Its not me I am usually a bubbly person but am slowly losing my happiness. Of late I have been very angry, sad, or complete opposite. When I am in a really good mood something bad happens so I have tended to not let myself believe I am not having a good day so not to let anything go wrong.
I appreciate your words of advice and will try to put them into action. Thank you so much, I have spoken to friends and my Grandmother but needed to hear it from a professional point of view.
Those are good examples of manipulation or emotional black your mother and other family members play the victim and look to you to rescue them. You can not change your family, but a change in you will automaticlly put change into place. It also sounds like it has been everyone else's needs before your own. You are noticing this more now that you are looking to have a baby. Sadly this may involve creating more distance between you and your family, at least for a bit. The "slit my throat" comment is quite manipulative- it's a tactic to keep you right where they "need" you- caring for them because they are "helpless"- when really they are not- but you are such a good caretaker. Know that you've had the best intentions to be a support and help for your family, but it is time for some change- so you can be healhtier and and happier in your life. No you are not crazy- you sound quite sane and level headed in all this "mess".
Be strong, things can get better, not easy to start, but it will pay off for you.
You are a sweet and caring person- a great quality- but also makes you more suseptible to this kind of situation.
I try to be. I will be hard. Especially why they are in a rut. I
You are welcome. Best wishes to you- take care! Would you be so kind to rate my answer ok or higher so I can get credit? Much appreciated!! Let me know if I can help again. Thank you for your post. I enjoyed chatting with you. All we can do is try- right, do our best.
Sorry I lost you for a second.
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