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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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my mother left me when i was 6 with my grandmother for a man

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my mother left me when i was 6 with my grandmother for a man overseas, she had me there for holidays here and there but never full time, they had there own children and from holidays back and forth i would hear all the time people talking about me in the village that i was (my mothers ) younger sister NOT her daughter.. i would ask why they were saying this as it was very upsetting and heartbreaking but she would shrug her shoulders and tell me not too listen, all i ever wanted was too live with them full time overseas but of course she had every excuse in the books and i knew my step father didnt want me as i was pure white and not his. after becoming a teenager he started too completely ignore me, not talk to me and the feeling was very uncomfortable. My mother has always been very self centered, emotional and full of lies or extends a story. they are quite wealthly now and although i have moved over here to the same village and married a local and have my own 2 children my step father never came to the wedding nor allowed my other brothers and sister come. Im sure my mother sneaked over as she was all rush rush rush in and out as quick as could be. i recently lost my grandmother who raised me and thankgod gave me all the love in the world and my mother has become quite angry towards to fact i miss my grandmother so much. all my life i have dealt with my mothers issues, pain, husband beating her and lies and never stood up for myself as i had always wanted just to be with my mother, i never dared too upset her. she has recently attacked me for really no reason however this time was violently and in my face, telling me too leave and never come back to her house, she has for years told me she has depression and wants too kill herself i hear that alot and i listen like a good daughter and offer support, after she attacked me and has been sending very unfair sms's i have not replied and think it is time too stay away until she can relize what she has dont too me. i am a very easy going girl and even though my half brothers and sister have everything they ask for motorbikes, cars anything i have never got the same however i never get jelous of bring up that fact that im treated different.. but also she tells people she gives me money and paid for my new home which is very hurtful too hear as she hasnt helped. im at my wits end and cannot emotionally deal with her childish ways anymore it causes so many problems with my own marriage. HELP
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I'm available to assist you. Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You sound like the stable one in all of this. You have been through so much but sound like you have a very level head about all of this. It's upsetting with what you have experienced beginning as a child.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like your mother has a tendency to allow the men her life to control her, she has lost her ability to speak up, express her wants and needs openly. It may be why she is unstable and tells you she is going to kill herself. This is very unfair and inappropriate for your mother to send you those messages. You have done nothing wrong, only done the best you can to survive all of the abandonment and loss in your life.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

In what you describe your mother is unstable and may need more help than what you can provide you. It sounds like she is now being abusive to you, and you are right on that this is "childish". The good thing is you do have a choice whether to remove yourself from this hurt. It's difficult when it's your mother you are talking about- but again you have done nothing wrong and if she is to have contact with you- you deserve nothing but respect.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like you are dealing with a self centered person, who is not considering your feelings in all of this. That it is now causing problems in your own marriage, is a good indication you may have to distance yourself from her for now. She will not make that easy for you, and she may again talk negatively about you. Your mother is not in a good place and she is seeking to bring you down with her. You have too much on the line to lose with the instability and hurt this is causing.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You start out your post with "my mother left me when I was 6 with my grandmother for a man overseas". From the beginning your mother has put men first, so much so that she left you. As a mother yourself- you just don't do that. A mother who does that, again, is not in a good emotional state. You did nothing to deserve her leaving you in the first place- you have been the victim or more like the survivor in all of this. Your mother sounds like a much younger person emotionally.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You've had your heart broken when you were so young, and as an adult now, you have a voice, and a choice, to decide what you will and will not tolerate. Again, I do not think your mother will handle this well, but tell her you need to distance yourself for you and you family, at least for now.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You could certainly try and express how her actions are affecting you, but I don't think she's in a place to be reasonable. You can do little when your mother throws out "I'm going to kill myself" that is manipulative and puts you in a helpless and powerless state. I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother, the one who raised you, she was a gift to you. Because of the love of your grandmother you are in a good place in your life. Just because a woman has a baby does not automatically make them mother "material".

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That is hurtful that your mother is being verbally abusive to you for no reason, you have done nothing to deserve this treatment. You did not create nor cause this, and you can not change your mother. The best you can do is focus on your own family and taking care of yourself- protecting yourself from further hurt.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are easy going, but you have your limits. I'm glad you have not responded to her messages. Yes, allow her to think about what she has said and done to you before you consider having contact with her. She may get more mean when you try and set boundaries up and protect yourself and your family, but it's what you have to do.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your siblings may have material things, but you have the gift of having a good foundation, from the love your grandmother gave you. Your grandmother would want you to protect yourself too- Your siblings were raised by someone who sounds like a narcissist, so self centered- and they are acting in a similar way. Be thankful as I'm sure you are that your grandmother provided you with the love and security every child deserves.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If your mother is depressed and suicidal she may need mental health treatment. She needs to be the one to decide she needs help. It does not sound like she's in a place to take responsibility for what part she has played in all of this.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The chaos and hurt your mother is causing will only hurt you and your family. It's very difficult when you are talking about your mother- but she gave that job up many years ago. A mother has to earn her role as a mother, it is not automatic.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Please let me know if you have other comments or questions. Hope to hear from you soon.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you very much for your reply, proir too opening and reading your mail, Mum has smsed me and told me that i have hurt her enough more than anyone could... She always trys and makes me feel like the bad one. She will never listen or take responsibity and we can never tell her any wrong things


about herself of she jumps and attacks us as she thinks she is the "queen". Could you help in giving me so advise on words for when the time comes when she does ring me or come over as it has already been over 2 weeks we havent talked, I need too stand up and have the right words too say too a woman like this who thinks she has done nothing wrong. Thanks look forward too your reply.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
That is exactly what you need to do- come up with something specific to say when the time comes to be clear and assertive with her. You may consider something like: "mother I love you, I want things to work out between us, I never intended to hurt you, I'm sorry for the conflict between us, for now I need time away because I'm feel very hurt by all of this". The use of "I" statements may lessen (a bit) her defensiveness. However, you do need to prepare yourself for her becoming angry and agitated. When you say you are sorry- it does not mean you have done anything wrong- you are just sorry things are not working out- sort of like when there is a death and we say to people, "I'm sorry for your loss". You do not need to continue a conversation with her if she becomes abusive- you simply say: "I do not like the way you are speaking to me and I need to go, I'm going to hang up". I would not engage in a verbal conflict with her- you may have to repeat the same thing over and over- like "I need time away because this is upsetting to me and it's also affecting my family". I feel..... when...., and I wish.... Paying close attention to the "I" statements. When we say "you hurt me, you make me mad" that tends to increase the person's defensiveness. Come up with something ahead of time, write it out, and repeat it when she pushes for a verbal fight. Write out a few things that come to mind, and let me know what you come up with. It's okay to write, and practice this before you are faced with the contact. I do hope this helps a bit. Do remember you do not deserve to be abused in any way- even verbally- and it's okay to quickly end a conversation that becomes abusive- when you feel attacked, uncomfortable, etc.
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/ Some additional information about what you may be dealing with- with your mother. Go to the psychology today web site and put "narcissism" in the search area. A variety of articles will come up regarding a narcissist personality.

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Jean
Jean
Psychotherapist
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Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)