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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am sad. Going through love phases and breakups. Not sure

Customer Question

I am very sad right now. My marriage fell apart last year and I moved out of my husband's house. I went on a vacation hoping I could get away and then met somebody. I fell in-love with him but he didn't. I am on Facebook a lot and I recently saw his photos with some other girl from his trip and that crushed me. On top of these, my ex husband has been calling me all kinds of negative names saying how I am not going to make it on my own and that I am a piece of shit, self centered, disorganized, not as smart as I think, gullible and unreliable. All I am trying to do is focus on the business that I want to build so I can have my freedom back but all these love affairs are slowing me down. I am not sure how to focus. I have 2 kids that I am trying to keep up that I can't. I don't think I am depressed but I feel like I have nowhere to go. I feel like my line has ended. This guy I fell in love with was suppose to start this business with me but when he found out that I fell for him, he ran as fast as he could. Please help me. 

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

You have suffered two losses in a short amount of time. First you lost your marriage. And it sounds like your ex husband is abusive as well, which can affect your self esteem and your ability to overcome your loss. Secondly, you fell in love with someone who also hurt you deeply by betraying your trust and at least emotionally cheating on you as well as going back on his word that he would start the business with you. That is a lot to cope with.

It is no wonder you feel as you do right now. You have not yet had time to mourn the loss of your marriage. You need time to work through your feelings about the break up and to find yourself again. And trying to do this while your ex husband is emotionally abusing you is even more difficult. He seems to be continually discouraging you which can only keep you down. In order to cope with him, try to move away from him emotionally. If he starts to say something mean, tell him "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. Start to think about him as someone with problems and that what he says is more about how dysfunctional he is rather than who you really are. And if you can avoid having contact with him, try to arrange things so you don't have to speak to him about more than is necessary.

You may also want to reconsider your new relationship. It does not sound like this man is going to be faithful. And that can only bring you more heartache. As painful as it is, you may want to either take a step back from the relationship for a while, or end it now. You deserve someone who is going to be trustworthy and be faithful to you, especially after what you have been through.

Consider seeing a counselor as well. You need the support right now and it can help you grieve the loss of your marriage. Talk to your doctor about a referral or search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php.

Most of all, be good to yourself. You are going through a lot of adjustment and loss. Try to spend time with friends, treat yourself to time at a spa and care for yourself physically by eating well and getting plenty of rest. It is important that when you are emotionally depleted that you spend extra time being good to yourself.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

My marriage is not something I would consider a loss. I am happy to be out of it and I was the one who broke it off. Much of my pain now is caused by this new guy. I don't know what I am thinking but I have only knew him for 6 months and we were not even "dating" per se. We would just go out and have a lot of fun. Took a week of vacation. I didn't think I would fall for him. We were just "friends". He had told me in the beginning that he wouldn't go any further than us just being friends because I have kids that he is not ready to take on to. Make the story short, we were together for a whole month and it is inevitable for me not to fall for him. As of now, both of our names are XXXXX XXXXX corporation entity that we were suppose to start. When emotional part of all these got involved, we kind of just start ignoring each other and now I am hanging in the limbo. Not sure if I should be ditching the whole venture and start off fresh or should I initiate contact and try to straighten things out with him business wise. I think I am still in love with him and I really don't want to anymore. As much as it hurts, I am forcing myself to detach from him by seeing other men and having fun. But everytime I am out and about, all I think about is the fun times we had wishing he was there with me. Am I crazy? Why do I feel this way? I know there is no future for me and him but somehow I keep going back and forth hoping that if the business that we plan to work on to takes off, he would fall for me and we will have a happy life together. At some point he admitted that "he had been drinking the koolaid I've been drinking". I think he was just confuse as I was. What do I do at this point? Do I contact him? Do I completely delete everything and move on? I am very jealous of the fact that he had met someone and that they probably had a blast. The thing is I can't blame him for this. We both knew we were just suppose to be friends but it went too far. I am so confuse, sad and feeling helpless. I have so many things on my plate that I cannot focus. I had about 3 hours sleep last night after seeing all his photos with that girl on facebook. Maybe I should stop going to facebook. I don't know, but I am always itching on checking on his profile and seeing what he has been up to. God, I just want this to end and be free from all these emotional problems. I want to focus on my business and my kids. On top of this, I am getting my bachelors degree in 2 months so everything is really busy with school but I can't get a damn thing done. I am so frustrated. I keep forcing myself to think of the bad things that he had done but I can't really remember any. I think I have gone crazy.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You are not crazy for what you feel. Although there was a limit to your relationship, you cannot control your feelings. You fell in love with him but it sounds like he still kept to the limits of the original agreement to be friends even if he did have some feelings for you. But he also has not followed through with your business agreement, which is difficult for you.

Given that he probably will continue as he is with this other girl, you probably want to cut off as much contact as you can and move on. That is the most painful choice I know. But the more you try to stay in contact, the more you are going to get hurt. You cannot heal if he keeps opening your wounds with the pictures on Facebook and being open to new relationships. You will never be able to trust him if he doesn't have an exclusive relationship with you.

Try to begin the process slowly by taking it one day at a time. Each day, try to reward yourself for not looking at his Facebook. Also, try to distract yourself as much as you can. You are already very busy, which is good. Try to develop more social relationships if you can and when you find yourself thinking of him, change your thoughts to something else, anything that you feel will hold your attention. And consider therapy for support. It can help you to stop thinking about him and move on.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Cathy,

This resource may help you:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

Kate



May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

You know, you are so right. No one else can change things but yourself and you control everything with your thoughts. Once you learn how to control your thoughts, then you are good to go with every other emotional aspect of your life. I do reward myself too much. I just bought a nice Jaguar car, omega watch and got my boobs done. I guess I am on the right track and besides, I am pretty sure I can find someone else out there better than him. I am only 30 after all and getting out of this marriage is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I need some time to recoup from that and enjoy being single for a couple years. I guess I was just vulnerable and weak and sad from all the falling apart and emotional abuse I have been getting from my ex. I do realize all these and I may not have an IQ of 160 but I am pretty sure I can find my way out of this mess. Business wise, the fact that I need to limit contact with him, (actually aiming for no contact at all) doing business together is not going to be a good idea. I will go ahead and re register my entity WITHOUT him. You know, all of these are really simple. Pain is self chosen and only idiots would dwell into this. I am not an idiot, far from it. I am just lost at the moment especially when your friends judge you or when you do not have family member around. I will focus on my school, my children, building my business, charity and hopefully travel to Europe in the summer. I am also thinking of learning how to fly an airplane but I guess that can wait until I go and make more money. I hope my mind is where it belongs at the moment and my thinking is in alignment with my goals. I will not stalk him on facebook, will not check my skype waiting for his messages, will not expect for a text or email and I will not initiate contact. I will focus myself on my financial goal and date as many men as I can. Well miss Kate, you have been an eye opener for me. I appreciate the slap in the face. I need to take a nap and go work out later and then be back to work again. I will not go to facebook! Feel free to shoot me an email a few days from now and check and see if I am still alive? That will make me feel even better!

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It sounds like you are on the right path with this! You are exactly right. You can control your thoughts and you are worthy of more than this guy is going to give you, and much more than your ex husband treats you like. It sounds like you are doing very well for yourself already and if you keep going on that path, then you will be fine. You are smart and very capable!

Kate

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