ill start with my reply for your ans.
i get what youre saying about back up plans. but i need to have one. i just do. unfortunately i have been the fool in all of this. my whole life the jokes been on me. i dont know if youve noticed.
if thsi was a movie id be the village jackass.
and everyone knows it.
b/c if i wasnt id have no contact with my family at all.
none. b/c only a moron would let themselves be hurt over and over by them. anytime i start to relax and think things are ok.. theyr enot.
no matter how hard i try. look at thx giving. it all went fine. and then after its suddenly didnt. i got hit with my fil insulted my brothers inlaws... and im in the middle of bullshit. so even though they couldnt say i did something to ruin the day.. it was my fault my fil is an asshole. which btw every1 has known for about 10 yrs.
i wont overbeat a dead horse here. but rob was the sweetest nicest guy i had ever met. i married him with no doubts other than like was he just going to change his mind? decide i wasnt the right girl all of a sudden? there was no foreshadowing to all this. none. and until just a few yrs ago - were together 10 yrs this month. id say about 5 was when this all started. we were a few yrs into marriage. there was none of this so we were pretty happy til we got this house. i dont know if it was in the works before we got the house or it had started it just lines up in my mind around the same time. thought the 1st time he hit me was in the apt i remember that well.
so i do take offense that you think im just bailing on my marriage. im not mad or angry. offended. b/c i have done everything i can and no im not perfect, but ive held up my end of the bargain. ive worked full time, ive had children and worked on physically - including demo- ing and painting this house inside and out. to soemhow stretching a dollar til it snapped to make ends meet. we made significantly less money when we bought this house. about 40k a yr less. and it was hard. and thats y the house reno and the furniture took so long.
i do not take my marriage lightly. but i think to myself. you knwo my choices.. well maybe they werent good soemhow. both career and home. i see other people. and theyre not stressed to the point they feel like their insides are coming out. well i am. i have countless days of my life from my childhood til currently where i have felt like i cant go on. not anymore. its enough. and maybe the choices i have made have done that. if i pick another career would that be alot off my plate? it would be. if i left rob or he left me, would we each be happier? i dont know, but how could one know what life has in store?
if i told my family look i dont need this - cuz i dont steve. i just dont. who needs these people? theyr e actual poison. and they think its me. im the problem. well maybe i am soemhow. i stand there, like all i wanted was a family. id love to have brothers and sisters and sister in laws and nieces and nephews to play with and spoil.
id love to be planning the baby shower or surprise party with them. its all i ever wanted. nothing much.. just bbqs and get togethers... go on vac together..
i dont have it. i soemtimes think being an orphan would be easier b/c well at leas you dont have this dysfuction. youll always wonder why they didnt love you. or why they gave you up. but that one insult maybe you could get over and say mom did it for my well being. and try to make peace with that.
i look at andrew and i try to remember kates infancy. not so long ago. right? i cant. all i rememeber is her screaming with colic for hrs and me not being able to comfort her. her being in pain with her hip, the brace trying to change her poop diapers with that brace in the way. and all the drs. so many drs. just one appt after another. no fun. the week i went i was there all day. had to have asono, see the ortho, see physical therapy. - the pa or the ortho adjusting the brace after all was done, soemtimes they couldnt get all the appts on one day. so it was 2 days that week. the other week would be my bulk shopping , food shopping week. and id be dragging her from place to place to stock up on supplies. and then the next week would be the drs again. the reg peds, ortho, sono, physical therapy. wait 30 min for this one 90 for the ortho soemtimes. one time i waited 4 hrs for him. and then comments from people. oh whats wrong with her? it was spring summer. no blankets to hide this mess. and then work. all the drama leading up to my horrific checkbox mistake. and you know the house wasnt orderly and clean. and then i was preg again. so kates hip and my new ob appts.. then kates christening. then i lost the baby. then in 2 months the checkbox. so no ive been a shitty wife i guess. i havent kept it together. all the socks arent balled. theyre washed in a clean basket. but theyre not balled.
you should tell your wife.. im sure shed be horrified and outraged all my laundry isnt folded and neatly put away.
so you dont know if robs staying. i dont. and im not asking him. and if he just doesnt get better, well maybe being alone is better than wishing i was. if im doing it by myself? well whats the diff? at least maybe id have the chance of meeting soemone.
im not saying that id leave to be with tmm (or anyone else..). thats over. he doesnt know it. but its over. ill take his flattery. i deserve that at least. after all the bullshit he put me thru. but im tired of giving my all (at work, with rob and the kids, for holidays, and the family that hates me..) and its not good enough. if the laundry is not folded, theres no one to actually scream at me over it and then take their own laundry only and put it away. see him doing thatg made me realize what a complete fool i am. im working as a team. he made sure his stuff was in order. f**k me and the kids.
doesnt that make me look like the village fool? the jokes on me again.
so when i tell you i need a back up and things worked out in ym head i do. b/c otherwise if and when it happens ill fall apart. and i have 2 kids. so i cant let that happen.
i look at kate and i dont regret what i went thru. but i didnt enjoy her being an infant for sure. i look at andrew and i hope its not favoring him, but im trying a little (to just look at him and coo. )with him. its hard b/c christmas was coming and the c section and kate and her dealing with the new baby. and now its all settling. and i have less than 2 weeks back. this weekend i plan on pedal to the metal cleaning and organizing more. but today i read a long story to kate. and we talked. and you know, we never do that.
on another note, robs coat finally came in the mail.lands end takes forever. anyway the box was there and he didnt ask what was in it. i opened it up when i gothome last night from the play place kate was playing at - and i kept the kids there longer b/c rob came home early and said he was home from a class early. i said ok, do you want to come here to play with kate? its pretty close by to the house - not an hour away like when i go to the mommy and me stuff - and he was like well what for? i said ok then you should hang the new smoke detectors/ co2 detector (i bought very expensive nighthawk ones that talk to each other and tell you where the problem is.. we have the ones we bought when we got the house and i didnt feel safe with them being 4 yrs old and not top of the line..) so he did- it s all set and he picked up soem toys and loaded the dishwasher.
he helped me bring the kids in. and i opened the box and he said whats all this? i said here put this on. it was the coat. he looked at it wordlessly.. he put it on and its puffier than i thought itd be. but its rated for -10 degrees. and the matching polartec grippy gloves. the whole set was $100. the coat looked nice and it has a hood and this cuff lining.. and rob was happy.
he said it feels really warm. i said its supposed to be. i told him all the details including the price and the savings etc. and he said i like it. i ve been thinking i need a good coat for all the site visits i need to do.
and he mentioned the coat he has (also lands end and its like 3 years old but ti looks brand new which is why i like them... but i didnt know it had a broken button. so i tdoesnt close on the bottom. and one of the button holes (i think its stressed when he sits with the coat closed on the train) is a little torn/ worn. i said i can fix all this and ge tit cleaned. i dont think we should get rid of it. (and im the queen of throw it out.. if you have new sneakers why do you need 4 other dirty old pairs? )
and he said no i dont want to throw it out.
so he asked - after he was home for 2 hrs btw - whats for dinner? i said cheerfully pork tenderloin. so i made dinner. i told him kate needs abath. and he gave her a bath. i was dressing her and i had her in my arms and i trie to give him the towel. i kind of whipped it towards him cuz i only had one hand and it smacked him on the leg - he asked if it was foreplay? and i said oh its def not. dont worry. i then added im sure you dont think i should come on to you when you turned me down. and he said no you shouldnt. we left it like that.
the night didnt turn ugly, he got kate settled i had the awake andrew on me bobbing around, and he read on his kindle and i watched the river wild.. (im doing a movie marathon- i havent seen a lot of movies.. so anything that cathces my interest im watching.)
btw no i wasnt impressed by the shoplifting - it was entirely unintentional. i was lifting everything from 2 carts with the 2 kids onto the belt and rob had run back to get english muffins i had forgotten. so it was hectic watching the 2 kids 2 carts and all we bought -
we got out of there and i said to rob oh that was high class... i didnt want to walk all the way back to go in.. and i said yeah but if we didnt pay for it how come the coupon came off? wouldnt it say like that item not scanned or soemthing? so then i saw the coupon and i said oh niicee. we got the money off too. so robs like we could go back in.. and i said ugh. and he said well it wasnt on purpose. i asked kate what she was dong with it and she said she liked the flower on the packaging. she pulled it from out of the cart. she sits on a cart cover i bring in and with all that crap, i didnt see it.
i felt mildly guilty, and then i wa slike oh f**k it. ive spent 1,000s of dollars there. and its like.. i didnt do it on purpose. what im shocked about is when we let them look over the cart as were leaving they didnt catch it. and i said so to rob.. he said well thats why all these things are bullshit. (he referring to security measures... ) and yes we went home.
today tmm2 texted me -- he hasnt since friday - but we agreed no texting on weekends.. and he said hey sorry i havent texted, ive been really busy at work the last 2 days. im still busy. i said ok no problem. he said ill text as soon as i can. i said ok, dont work too hard. and thats it.
and jen did say she posted aquestion and i told her kates full name so the question was to start with for kate mc coy... i dont know if soemone else picked up the question? or what happened. i didnt talk to jen again as im trying to limit how much contact i have wiht her. she texted me about it so i told her to ask for kate.