Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
My name is XXXXX XXXXX I am the Moderator for this topic. Steve is not available right now, but I have sent him a message to follow up with you here, when he comes back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience!
It sucks to have to go back to work, on so many different levels, but none more difficult I think than leaving Andrew behind. You can't help but get so involved in his smallest traits at this point. You get to know him as a person and you have to separate from him. Of course he will be fine, but still, the process of going back is a reminder of this and other work related issues. Plus, who would really want to go back to work? If it was fun they wouldn't call it work or pay you to be there.
Your mother is hard. Really hard. She just does not have that loving and caring gene going, at all. It is like everything is an arranged process, like a work schedule. And all must play in that mode. Go out to lunch with you and the kids...wow, gee, I don't know. That would involve being flexible, having fun, being a person who likes children, etc. Dad at least sees things as they are. Of course 8 weeks is not a long time before going back to work. But mom...that was plenty of time. Who knows what would happen if you took off 18 weeks. You might become a vagrant or something.
And telling anybody of your intent to have another baby... Probably not a good idea at this point. People seem in your world to share opinions freely, even if they are hurtful. I would suggest keeping that discussion between you and Rob.
I am leaving the handsome dad comment alone. Eye candy? Seeing him again? Comparing McDonald's to a singles club event. There is a theme here. Feeling lonely? (I am serious.)
Flirting? Rob is on target I feel. Everything that I have ever experienced or read says that the romantic "anything" that couples have is absolute crap about 1-3 months after the birth of the baby. And you are right in the middle of that time. It is hard to feel flirty when you are exhausted, sick, or know that your wife just had a baby and has a c section that is healing. It is rough. Now if this goes on into March, yeah...there is an issue, but I do not think what he said is all that unusual or even untrue. I would let him slide on this one.
Tmm is showing a side of himself that was always probably there, just not obvious. He is frustrated and angry at himself I think and shows it via some odd behaviors such as the romantic manipulation and the I love you's. If he really had feelings for you he would not have been (and is) such a jerk about it. And, he would not try to get you to pity him, ever. Plus the idea that you might have feelings for another probably drove him nuts.
Yes, you can tell Kate about what was wrong with her. I find that if you start as you would with an adult and simplify it from there (as needed) that kids do pretty well. I even teach other therapists to start at a higher level than they think they should, as children often really surprise us with what they can grasp about themselves.
So something like, "When you were inside me like Andrew was, your hip did not develop correctly and the doctors had to do some things to put it right, so you could jump and play." Now you have to be seen to make sure that your hip is correct and right. It will not hurt and it is just a check up. Just be simple and truthful with any questions she has about why it happened. Kids are better at "we do not know why" as an answer than we are as adults...for certain.)
Try that approach. It usually works, with the bright ones, like Kate, especially. Steven
youre not impressed with my stroller?
ah thats ok i love it. it turns ona dime with one hand. and it weighs only 19lbs. and easy to set up. just fold open the frame and then click on the seats...
and the pram part really makes me happy. i love it with my new little baby in it. its like theyre little dolls in there.
i feel bad going back of course for andrew but kate too.
i feel like we are closer than we had been and i hate to break that bond. i know it will break b/c well just go back inot our old pattern and i think shes closer to rob b/c well hes there everyday. like he takes her in the am and picks her up and shes waiting for him to come. and im just not there.
and i love her. i hate when shes not all mommy mommy.
as far as my mother, well look my dad wanted to go to disney for a few days to see kate see it and enjoy it with her.
my mom was like oh no i dont want to go. so he didnt get to see it either. i wish he wouldve gone without her o said he would.. and she wouldve came too (i think..)
ive asked her to go to sesame place, the pumpkin patch, other places.. to see the easter bunny (that she caved in on...) she doesnt want to go.
i dont know what to say. i know its not that she doesnt like kate - could see if it was me. she wouldnt want to go. she hated disney when we went if you could imagine.
i didnt mean to tell my dad of the planned c section. it just slipped when i said had i known id go so late with andrew and on top of that if i had known id be a c section... but next time ill be a c section.. n then he said oh youre going to have another baby...
even if rob didnt feel like having sex.. (which why wouldnt he? he hasnt gotten up with the baby and he didnt have a f**king c section.)
he shud still try to at least kiss me or hug me or sit with me and just put his arm around me. i dont necessarily feel like having sex or marathon sex. i just would like to feel like ok hes hugging me. he was lovey dovey after the baby like thx for making him etc...
tmm. he gets moody. botXXXXX XXXXXne. i of course like him all bravado and "up" hes witty and funny and complimentary to me of course. and he used to know how to throw me back and kiss me. and hes tall and strong and when i sat on his lap i loved it.
he mentioned recently oh i loved when you kissed me - youre such a good kisser - and i remeber him being all be careful someone will see us. i always kind of thought like no one really cared cuz they have their own lives (i wouldnt care if i saw people kissing.. but im kinda a let others live kind of person. their personal lives may not be my business honestly. ) and he used to be all uptight about it.. (at times.. others he wasnt. i dont why at certain times he was and others he wasnt..) and i said oh pls you hated it. and he said no i ued to just worry about being seen. of course it didnt feel that way to me... and you know if men push me away enough (rob has been pretty good at this. we almost never talk or email during the day anymore... although today i had the pleasure of speaking to him t try to get him an emergency appt to see the reg dr b/c of his cough and how hes been so sick for over a week and a half...
anyway, i def dont want some1 to pity and if it pissed him off or made him jealous .. well good. he shud be. and dr b said he had a high drama weekend with his ex.. i tried not to be like i told you so... but.. i trid to be just upbeat and friendly b/c i dont know what to say about this crazy bitch anymore. other than just b/c shes a hot piece of ass doesnt mean you shud put up with it...
so why is tmm frustrated and angry at himself? he shud be happy. he retired like he wanted to.. he stayed with his wife who is not only 10 yrs younger but got plastic surgery .. the daughter is smart and whatever... and the other screwed up daughter had the baby he loves.. so i dont see the problem honestly. i told him to get a 2 day a week part time job to help make ends meet for the next yr til he gets social security.. but he had no ans for that...
with kate im worried she wont get the word developed correctly but im not going to tackle this until it gets closer which is march.
oh and when i had said to jen that the mc donalds was starting to look like a club she agreed and laughed.. she said oh yeah look at that...
and of course we can only hope we run into handsome dad again.
hey i had a newborn and my wedding and engagement ring on (started back with my engagement ring recently.. which made me happy..) so i dont think handsome dad thought twice about me. and he wasnt riveted by me.. he was on his phone and emailing or texting... it seemed like business but whatever..
i hope everything is ok? since i didnt hear from you...?
That is odd! I am okay; thanks. I was waiting for you to write. I get email from JA telling me there is a post from you, as I am sure you do too. But this time I missed it somehow. I was going to write you and ask how you were as I had not heard from you.
I like technology and I like anything that is unique as far as that goes, so yes...I like your stroller. Do I like it as a stroller? C'mon Liz, I am a guy. I can only like baby tech so far. What makes me feel good about it is that you like it so much.
Yes, the transition back to work and the patterns that it brings, sucks. There is something to be said for having total access to children all the time, but unless you work for a progressive company that has integral day care in the building it is nearly impossible to have that level of closeness. But I do understand the sinking feeling that comes with the realization... that a bond with a child is about to get different because of going back to work. There is nothing good about that and it is simply something that has to be worked through.
Mom is all about the control. She will not allow herself to let her feelings go. (I'll bet one of her nightmares is falling...ask her.) She does like Kate I am certain of that. But she will not allow herself to be free, to feel, to live, to be. She is all crunched up inside and it affects her ability to relate to people like you. She could be so much more if she would give herself permission to be a real human with flaws and issues. But instead she controls.
Why doesn't you tell Rob of your feelings about being lonely? It is perfectly understandable that he might feel odd about your c section. But then again, he may need to know that you want to be near him. Tell him specifically what you want. It is not a bad thing to do this and it may break some of this weird time between you.
tmm. He may have been romantic. He certainly seems the sweep the woman off her feet and love her type; but he is a mess, like a romance novel with gum stuck halfway through the pages. It is all there, but yuk. He is a memory for you. And now in your life, that you are feeling alone with Rob, those memories will seem pretty green. They cannot be duplicated but you and Rob can work on fixing the tension between you. I think you need some time to be alone (an hour or two) to talk. It seems that the stress of the baby and the times has taken a toll on your ability to be close. Everyone goes through this, but there needs to be time to repair and reconnect. That has not has a chance to really occur, at least in the last 1.5 months.
Dr b made his own bed. And to mix metaphors. He buttered his bed now he has to lie in it. I am sure he is just like many men, not insightful about women. He has high hopes that this woman will somehow stabilize and become in her personality somewhat as stable as her looks. Nah...isn't going to happen, but he has to learn it himself. A pity really, as he should listen to you but men are stubborn about relationship advice...like asking for directions when lost, it does not happen a lot.
Tmm wants to be self destructive. Why do you think he acts the way he does if this is not true? He hates what he is not, man enough in his eyes. This is something he chases from long ago and has nothing to do with you. These are demons from long ago in his life. If they were dealt with he may have actually turned out to be one heck of a guy. But I do not see change happening for him at this point in his life.
Kate and words: Developed? Made perhaps? (If you wish, do a concrete example with her, like cookies shaped like some thing...but have one with a minor issue and show how it can be fixed. Kids get that concrete analogy usually, even as young as Kate is now.
Oh, admit it; for you and Jen, McDonald's is a women's club . You just go there for the eye candy. You can't tell me it is for the food. Steven
hi steve. i have been in a mini disaster here actually. 1st i started to compose what happened to rob and i wed night, and didnt have time to finish that post b/c the next am (yest) i had to go to my mothers. but i am going to post what i had written and will continue as the day got only stranger and more difficult.
well youll never believe tmm2 is now texting me. he texted hey where ya been? and asked if i had the baby? did i name it after him..? he told me he opened hi sown it consulting firm and the hosp i had th baby at is his client. he asked when im going back to work and said oh i could stop by on the way to or from work.. he also asked what timea re good to text and he had to go he was almost home...
meanwhile tomorrow im going to see my mom for her bday so i started getting the kids clothes and mine all laid out as the laundry room has greatly suffered due to my cleaning the rest of the house and the christmas rush. so i started trying to go thru stuff and i cant find kates tights that i need. so i ask rob after i found everything else, can he look? i found dark purple tights and at 1st thought i hit pay dirt, but luckily realized that they were dark purple not black tonight. so he comes back after folding some stuff and saay cant find it. so i said well she only has the one pair and i need it for the outfit i want her to wear. so he says well you let the place go to hell. so i said no you know whats f**ked up? that u "fold"" laundry and only fold yours and put it away while you watch sci fi in there and leave the rest of us f**ked. i said from now on im only making dinner for me and the kids and only washing our dishes. he said that hes the only one who cleans up. i aid its not cleaning up if you just throw it ina box and he has the whole master bedroom closet to himself and he still has to hang his shirts all on the doorjam of my closet - which is way small in the laundry room. i told him i judt had surgery a baby and i threw out like a 100 bags of garbage and put everything away. appropriately - he when he cleans up just throws stuff ina box. if you empty the dishwasher just putting the stuff out onto the kitchen table and not putting it away doesnt f**king help me. i reorganized the whole kitchen, and set up he whole china cabinet and i had started the laundry room, but had to stop to do all my christmas duties...
he say well its 4 yrs and i still havent organized my clothes since we moved here. which isnt true. the prob is ive been in maternity clothes for most od the time and im using that stuff. not my reg stuff.and teve im so f**king mad. im trying to organize that room too, and kate to day was a beast and everytime i got andrew down hed wake up cuz i wasnt there and theres no room to work in the laundry room cuz its small and piled high with crap. and now hes in there. so i can find my shit that i need. so i dont know what to put on kate. i ahd the thought of stopping and buying her black tights on the way to my mothers a huge pain in the ass but ill have to b/c i want the 2 of them dressed a certain way. and i have the clothes and spent the money so why shouldnt they be? theyre barely wearing their clothes since were home more now that im out on maternity leave.anyway he just took kate up to bed and he didnt come out wit the tights so.. i guess its just a loss. and he took his clothes out and put them away. just like he always f**king does.omg steve. i know what im going to do. have the laundry pick up just mine n the kids clothes. n leave his.
i know this is childish but i m ready to tell him to f**king get out, so im thinking if i just send the laundry to teach hima lesson- its the lesser of the actions.am i over reacting?
then yest i took my mom to lunch with the kids. everything was going fine. it was a major task to get the kids ready and out the door, andrew needed to be fed, i just couldnt get u sout. i did and i ogot my phone and rob never filled the minivan up as he said he would so i thought it had a full tank.. so i was 15 min late getting to my mom (wouldve been more if i had ht traffic i flew in..)
so the day actually was going pretty nice. i picked her up she seemed happy to see the kids, the diner we went to had work being done so i couldnt use the ramp to roll the stroller up so i lifted the stroller and it was heavy.
we had lunch chatting and without incident other than kate getting cookie all over her. we left and went to her house. the 2 kids fell asleep. i had to wake kate up (meanwhile she never takes a nap for me..) and my dad hurried home from work to see kate and his new mini me. my mom agreed that andrew was his clone an started calling him that. she said its the eyes and his nose. i said i know.
i told my mom of robs bullshit and she said look, your father never ever folded his own sock forget about mine so youre lucky he takes care of himself at least its one less person for you. and she told me not to do anything for anyone else they dotn f**king appreciate it.
we stayed and my dad played with the kids and gave kate a real harmonica. why? b/c she takes her legos and plays them like one so he thought itd be a hoot to get her one. so he gives it to her and im like f**k dad i need this like a hole in the head im so tired. so kates going all blues traveler and im like this i sgreat. you guys are the best parents / grandparents ever while my parents are laughing so hard. well i havent seen them both laugh so hard in along time. i told them well if this shit is going on at 2am im calling them and im not saying anything all theyre gonna hear is the harmonica. kate keeps calling her harmonica her chanukah her instrument. i keep correcting her but she cant say harmonica. i told them if she ends up on rikers island (jail) im having my father bail her out. hell be able to find her b/c hell hear the harmonica...
so i get out of there and i hadnt spoken to rob all day he had a drs appt b/c i told him he needs abx. so turns out he has bronchitis and needs abx. i dont think he has bronchitis i think he has a sinus infection but the abx he got are for a sinus infection so im satisfied.
i come home and i got aletter form the hosp saying i had to return this thur otherwise id lose my job. of cours eim freaking out. i cant call cuz its too late and i cant go there today b/c of my furniture delivery. rob and i argue as i tell him the jokes on him hes going to be on his own with the 2 of them while i work full time and hell have to get up at night by himself and these last 6 weeks have been a free pass for him. i told him im worried about not seeing the baby and what itll do to kate etc.. he said hes worried about being alone with them too. and getting them to grandmas in the am.
i was pretty pissed as i just feel like im always being dicked around and upset. so i sent a very professional email last night in the middle of the night sying i believed there was an error.
i was going to call 1st thing except at 903am the lady called me nd said isnt it b/c you dont work here a year? i said no i work here 18 month at the time of going out. so then she said isnt it b/c youre part time? so i said no. she says hold on. she comes back and says its b/c you took time off in july so you only have x y z. she "recalculates" according to peters date off he gave them and it gives me more time off. i was going to go back jan 27th. she says i have til the 31st. and shes incorrectly deducting a day from july saying i took a day into the 3 week of july.
so im like no i didnt. how can you fight this? and she was looking at 2013 calendar for dates of 2012. my god. i shud work in hr. they take everyone else job title seriously but their own. so i sent an emails aying i checked inot it and have the paper work i went back on july 15th and should have afull 10 weeks. not 9 weeks 6 days. i dotn knwo if i shud push my date back or not. id love to have an extra week. of course returning the 27th gives me a full 2 week paycheck and id use that to pay the chairs. but will i ever get this week to be with the kids? or in the long run does the week matter? i have to go back sooner or later and changing the date with peter may make me seem unrelieable. and part of me is like f**k peter whos always screwing shit up and saying look hr originally screwed up the return date and id like to make it the next week. what do you think? i figure i should call today or monday would be better to give me a little breathing time. i did call peter earlier to return than he asked (i called 3 weeks before he asked for me to call 2 weeks before..)
and if hr didnt wait til like when i needed to return i couldve made an "informed" decision.
Valid for stays most nights February 18 through March 23 and April 2 through June 14, 2013.
For a limited time, you can save up to 30% on stays most nights at Disney's Yacht Club Resort, Disney's Beach Club Resort, Disney's BoardWalk Inn and Disney's Animal Kingdom Lodge—standard view rooms. Be sure to check out great savings at other Disney Deluxe Resorts.
The number of rooms available for this offer is limited. Savings based on the non-discounted price of the same room. Additional per adult charges may apply if more than 2 adults per room. Minimum stay requirements may apply for Friday or Saturday arrivals.
0% off disney hotels!!!
Thanks for the payment Liz and for the Disney discount info. I am not sure, with my mother's situation if I will be able to go at all this year. It depends on the outcome of the surgery and her recovery. They aren't even sure what she has in terms of the stage of the cancer, so everything is up in the air right now.
Tmm2? Are you serious? That is insane! So what are you going to do with this new situation? I sure hope you are not planning to take him up on his offer to meet and interact. What is it with you and males who seem obsessed with you. You're married and have children; what are they thinking? This new thing with tmm2 is totally bizarre. Why now? And what is the motivation for all of this on his part?
You certainly sound like you and Rob have been going through a very rough time. I do not think that being ticked off, a lot, about what Rob is doing is that unusual. He has been acting very self absorbed and the lack of focus that he has about what is going on with the home and the chores is pretty sad...I mean, yes, doing his own laundry and all is nice, and attempts at cleaning, but if it is not what is needed or it only seems to be about him, or he is not connected with you in the process, then yes, it is an issue. Would I think about punishing him over this by doing something in return. You could, but it is not such a good idea considering that this could easily escalate into a major family war and that is not what you need right now. Instead I recommend that you let this go. This is such a difficult time in your lives that any action is going to have repercussions. Better those "waves" remain as they are instead of building to truly destructive levels.
I am glad that there was some peace with you and your mother. And your father's fascination with Andrew as his mini-me is so funny. But a harmonica? Why not a drum set? What is it with parents who do this kind of thing. I swear it is passive aggressive payback. And you are right. If Kate starts to play the things at night or wakes up Andrew with it I would find a way to return that "favor" to your parents. A harmonica? That is not a subtle instrument when it is played badly.
Maybe Rob will get less crabby and weird when the antibiotics kick in? I have had sinus infections and similar that ended up being something that affected my emotions and thinking. Hey, if you can get OCD from a strep infection, then why not this?
As far as your leave from work...Holy crap? Are they nuts with all of this? And you are so right. HR folks are a unique breed. It is not hard to get an HR degree. It pays way too much for what they do, and most of them are less on the business and mathematics ability scale than they should be. As a result they tend to make a lot of errors in things like time off calculations and the like. I would like to say that this is the first time I have heard of issues like this with HR folks. But it is not. And so typical, that they scare the crap out of you and then you have to correct their errors. The "are you part time statement" is the killer. You mean HR doesn't know that you are a full time employee who has worked over a year? Should those facts not be obvious?
That is a hard choice now...knowing you could go back later. It is beneficial to keep to a schedule if you can return as originally planned, but you are also correct in thinking about the fact that this is a chance to stay a little longer with the kids. I know I would probably end up staying the extra few days off if I could as the priority of family over job never seems to be a wrong choice. But if you feel it would impact your reliability perception at work, then perhaps going back on time is a better idea. Of course we are talking about Peter's perception of you and that part weighs heavily as who is Peter in the scheme of things? Right...no one. So, do what is best for you and Andrew and Kate and make that choice because you wanted to make it and not on the demands of a workplace that does not know if you are even full time or part time. Steven
so tmm1 texted me last night. i was all upset between rob and hiss not being a team player and of course i have my f**k you plan. f**k you get out and give me child support money and you drive away in one of the cars.ok, so he says hi beautiful are you still up ? its 11 15pm or so. yes i say. so we go online and instant message. he says that he loves me. i said ha. since when? he calls me my love etc. he says ive always loved you. im puzzled. he said you didnt know? i said i wish you did love me. for a long time i did. (this is true.) he says well i thought you knew. i said how would i know? i mean infrequently you said it. and.. well.. alot of times you did but alot of times you didnt act it. he said well we had sex often enough i would think you wouldve known. and now hes goaded me steve. i went for the jugular (i couldve done worse...) oh i forgot how sex = love for men. every man who has sex with a woman must be in love with them.he gets angry and says that he does love me. i tried to change the subject and to bust chops say... so i thought by 12mn youre usually getting up for the 2nd time to pee.. and he says (wait for it) if youre not going to be serious ill say goodnight. so i say why do we have to be serious? since when? he logs off. we havent spoken since. in there he also asked what i wanted him to do to "woo" me what would convince me he loves me? what would convince me to kiss him again? i dodged thos equestions.and i think he was passive aggressive.i mean i couldve hit him hard.. oh right i rememeber how much you loved me when you said.. i never said id leave my wife. or when he ditched me to deal with well we know what im going to say. he said ok good luck. thats someone who loves me?! and well whoa. i can feel my head explode.
ok thank god for tmm2 and dr b. awesome.btw men are so stupid.
and dr b. i dont know i f maybe i should just keep my mouth shut about this girl. b/c i feel like its just makes me the bad guy and her the hot piece of ass. (which she is) what kills me shes smart- shes a PA. so its like she has everything going for her. and instead she chooses to be crazy
oh and the new wedge was delivered for the couch. it matches although of course it seems slightly newer than the couch in general. i figure itll be ok soon enough.
i have to ask.. it makes you feel good that i like my stroller? lol. ok. its a cool stroller and we get comments/ questions wherever we go. and rarely we see another. like at disney world. we saw quite a few.
im worried with the fact were behind on the mortgage - it will hurt us to re lease the cars. i think we can afford it of course. we dont normally have a problem and always pay them. i had the thought he should check his credit and see if we can "fix" anything on it to try to boost our score. or see if theres a way to pay for a company to professionally fix it. and i was going to go to jens honda dealer and see what they offer us... and our local honda whom we didnt do biz with b/c they didnt have any odysseys in stock. it was also hard to get anyone to talk to us there it was really busy dealer. i think the fact we want 2 cars shud be some leaverage. and like i said ill get the cars cleaned etc... and the mileage wont be over itll be soemwhat under.. not totally low mileage, but i guess medium really. i dont want to ask my dad to co sign. honestly id rather pay like $50 more per month to not ask him and negotiate the next time as we shud be in really good shape by then,..
if we catch up with the mortgage completely, i dont know if that will boost our score. we also had a credit ding when i was out of work for my checkbox situation. without my paycheck and rob was making alot less.. we cudnt swing the mortgage.
im thinking i shudnt take the extra week off as much as id like to - i promised id go back (im sure ill be regretting this..) and its not like i dont need the money.i need an easier job is what i think. i mean i cud go work postpartum and feel a fundus (i suck at it. i dont feel the bogginess..) and listen to crying bitches all day. give them - heres some percocet. go to sleepy sleepy. stop crying. esp nights there. awesome.i wud def not question my abilities there. cake walk. my other friend red haired jen actually applied and interviewed there and she hesistated about doing late term abortions and didnt get the job. she said she finally agreed to doing them, but she said she hesitated. i told her its like an audition. you say you can do anything and work it the f**k out later.
oh and btw.. we dont go to mc donalds for the food for sure.. (ok jen does she like the mc rib... ewww) we go to make the kids tired. and for the hot dads. at least its a bonus...
Tmm1: Well, as you also have said; if he did love you he would never have acted as he did, or even as he does now. And as far as sex, not all men see sex as equal to love, mostly only the oblivious ones or the ones who really never took the time to think about others in a realistic way. Tmm reminds me of one of these types, all concerned about their own needs and thoughts and little else. Really I am not sure how you tolerate his shovel full of crap that he emails you. He is so obviously in love with himself.
What can he do to convince you that he loves you? Short of suicide I am not sure he could do anything to cover the blatant lie about how much he cares for you. He is really not much of a realist I will say. And what is about being "serious" that he wants from you? (Good one about the frequent urination btw.) He wants, at best, XXXXX XXXXX that he can tote about and control. You do not strike me as that, at all. He is a mess.
Dr b has to figure this woman out on his own. She has it all except that most key feature, sanity. He will learn. It will not be pretty and I feel for him but what else can you do? He is not going to listen to anything but his own experience. I would just let him go and give advice when he asks.
Of course I feel good when you like your life. That is what I am about you know. So, yes. Why, does that sound weird? And you got your couch wedge! Good for you. I am sure it will wear in soon enough and match everything as it was intended.
Getting behind on the mortgage is not the best, XXXXX XXXXX you contacted them to see if you could postpone or just pay interest instead of having it hit your credit report? Most places will work with you to do this so you can maintain a good score.
I know if I walked into a car dealer and was ignored, especially if I had an intention of buying two cars...I would not allow myself to go back. I do not care how much in demand the cars were. That is rude and unacceptable. You are a family and they know as sales people that a family is much more likely to buy a car than just about anyone else. I find this shocking. It is really sad. The fact you already have a lease with Honda will help tremendously no doubt. I am sure the mortgage is not as impactful in this as you think.
Of course the decision is yours about when to go back, but I also feel strongly that whatever choice you make it is because you want to at some level and not because you are forced to do so. I SO agree that you do need a better, less crazy and intense job. You seem to work way harder than most of the nurses that I know and it is so thankless in some ways. The stupid place HR dept didn't even know you were full time. Really sad. And if you could get a better job in 2013 I think that is great. There are lots of choices and I wonder if a head hunter is not an option. I am not sure how populated RN's are there. Here, an RN can write whatever ticket they want and if they want to work four 10's or only weekends as full time or work only with kids or utilization review, they can and there are recruiters who will find those jobs. But maybe in NY it is different.
Really, you do not go to McDonald's for the food? You don't like MCribs? (truly, they are disgusting. I agree) Sometimes the smell of McDonald's is all it takes to create nausea in me. I am sure the men are the main draw for you. lol Steven
i keep forgetting to ask you if went on your job interview? howd it go? are you going to move?
tmm2 texted me, and hes like so will you come on my boat? i said uh i dont know. he said have i ever fished? and i said no. (grew up in the city..) he grew up on long island. so i dont know if you remember but he used to work with me at the old job. he left just a few months after me - they tried to fire him or some other bs thing.
anyway he flirted and said if you come on my boat will you wear a bathing suit? i said do i need one? i mean i thought you could fish in shorts and a shirt as last heard.. i tried to turn it around on him and said do you wear a bathing suit? he said no. i said ok ill wear a similar thing to what youre wearing like if you wear pants b/c of safety or whatever i will too. he laughed and said youre def a ball buster liz.
and hed teach me to fish. i said i hope you know how to teach me not to be seasick...
later that night rob and i slept together, it didnt go so well. partly due to trying to do the withdrawal method and it being so long since we had sex... (before the hurricane if you can imagine..)
anyway, i tried to sleep in our bed again - its 2 weeks later, and i figured id feel better. so i put andrew on the bed on his boppy, kate was next to him fully protected from each other. and rob and i slept on the ends. lying on my side it hurt too much i was ok on my back, but andrew kept waking - and the up and down wore me out. my whole pelvis was just throbbing form sitting up and lying back down. it was 5am (we went to bed late like 1230) and i was in tears. i told rob i have to go downstairs i cant take this. so he carried andrew down and i was lying on the couch again. it felt like one of the 1st nights i was home. my whole pelvis was throbbing and i was just lying there. about 20 min went by and i got up to get motrin. i was looking thru the medicine cabinet (its in my kitchen.. i dont leave stuff in the bathroom due to moisture. plus the 1st aid stuff etc. is there so its all in one cabinet. now organized btw.) and i decide im going to take a percocet. well the bottle is gone. i had a script for 20. i took 3 the first week. 1 one night and 2 another time. so i had 17 left. i counted them when i got them to make sure it was all correct.
so i call rob but the realization came to me that my bottle was stolen. i mean steve im absolutely shocked and its bothering me alot. i mean im not addicted. and i know rob didnt take them. we had a bottle of percocet for years after he broke his hand and i threw them out since they were so old..
so now im left thinking to did someone in our family take them? i mean people were in and out of the kitchen... it is known that my stuff is in there b/c ive had both my bro and my dad ask embarassed for like a tums or mylanta and they go in the bathroom and dont ask. and then nothing is in there so it means its kept completely somewhere else ( i ve had the thought of putting marbles in there so when someone opens up the bathroom cabinet its like youre caught mo - fo...) so when aunt eileen hit her head my mother saw i opened that cabinet - but i know she doesnt take stuff like that.. anyway its known that thats the medicine cabinet.
rob said immediately. the f**king cleaning girls took it. i said i guess. i mean weve never had anything missing with them here before. but ive never had percocet before.
rob said why dont you call the dr and tell him what happened? i said no. hell think i tookm them all and im addicted. he said 20 pills on 6 weeks isnt addicted. i said hes going to say o take motrin. and they didnt even want to give me the script in the 1st place. but that bottles gone and not only are the pills but my name and the drs name. theres no refills but im worried about it.
i havent gone looking for them as i hadnt wanted to take one. so it could be gone from christmas eve def. i took them the 1st week of dec. i organized the cabinet like the week before and i saw them.
i know like the furniture guys didnt go in our kitchen and neither did the boiler guys. the cleaning girls were in there and they told me to go upstairs with the baby as they were vacuuming and such.
im just in shock steve. i dont want to and havent called the police as they could go talk to everyone who was here but i dont think in all honesty theyll care about 17 percocet. and steve im so mad im in pain and i said illl take one percocet itll help me sleep some and dull the pain. i took the 3 motrin but im still in pain.
rob thinks i should have no pain at this point and i felt like telling him yeah ive really rested to heal well. asshole.
i worked with this nurse who was a per diem and she was back 6 weeks post c secion - she cudnt afford to be out more - and she was in alot of pain and i guess its normal..?
i mean i just keep hoping it will be gone.
tmm1. i dont know whats wrong with him. i dont think he thinks hes hurtful. but then other times - well like when he im d and i didnt even have a chance to respond - and he was like oh i was worried that i said something wrong... and he hadnt. so its like.. i dont know.
i mean rob hasnt exactly been batting a 1,000 nd i just had another baby for him. so i mean whos stupid here? prob me at the end of all of what is said and done. i mean he seemed upset that the percocet was stolen but then he just screamed at me when i reminded him i needed cell phone battery and i forgot to give him my phone to take. he said text it to me. i said how can i text it? my phones dead. i said just go to verizon and they know what phone i have. (which is robs old phone b/c he wanted to upgrade to a smartphone - he had one at his old job and con ed didnt seem to be giving him one. then of course after we got him a smartphone con ed said were giving you one. i told him to try to get him a car too. they have 1,000s lol..)
and get the battery. he went and the phone is so old they dont carry the battery anymore. but then i went to order it online and the phone is working now. im eligible for the upgrade at the end of the month so im trying to hold off. why spend $40 on a battery when at the end of the month i can get a phone?
anyway tmm1. im glad you liked the nightime /freq urination joke. my other good joke is when andrew was crying i said look dad - he looks just like you.. when the mets lose... my mom esp liked that one.
the jokes on me though kate when she gets angry or frustrated now plays the harmonica.
as far as why hes still contacting me. its a mystery really. at least to me.
i think hes reminiscing and not living in the present or something.
its like hes retired. so he has time now. realize his kids were little when we started which is why he couldnt leave. his littlest was 7 i think.
shes the one graduating with a bachelors now.
(god this only says im f**king old.) so he has time to think and say how he missed those younger fun times. maybe he doesnt realize.. he didnt really care for me. i mean he said he did at times (why those times and not others i dont know.) i mean back then i thought that he did care for me. and just like alot of men didnt realize how much i did mean to him. (as i always say... guys come back. ive told that to women. its like they didnt realize what they ad and alot of them break up or walk away or take a break.. and then its like oh crap.. what did i do?) as for me when he told me that line.. i never said i was leaving my wife. well that was enough for me to walk away. and i started dating furiously. to keep busy to have fun and to find someone else. and i did. in 3 months i found rob, and he did re contact me and i said oh well i found someone. i guess part of it was spite really. i wanted to say that.
and then soon after i was becoming a nurse. i was finishing nsg school, taking the boards, looking for jobs. took the job i had the incident at.
anyway i dont know why he said the thing about being serious and hes hasnt texted or trie dto contact me again. and i def wont b/c i mean hey if he cant face what he did im not here to make him feel better about it.
oh and warn your wife. i referred jen to talk to her. i told her of the site long long ago. she sent a text while my phone wasnt working. i just got it now that my phone was turned on. anyway i told her the ja site. and to ask for your wife. i dont want her to talk to you or for her to know your name or to be able to read our interchanges. i hope your wife isnt upset. i mean its business for her.. but i dont know how annoying she will be. i say this honestly. she def needs to work thru her crap with her mom.
No, no moving. They had too many issues and a staff that was at 50% due to the hiring of a bad manager in recent days.
Tmm wants to take you fishing on his boat? Talk about your Freudian metaphors. That is too easy to make comments about. And I am sure you would not go with him, right? He sounds; well, different. I can't tell what to make of him. But I am struggling with the fact that you have never fished before. That is something everyone should try at least once; like ice skating, even if you do not like it you should try it one time just to see. But not with Tmm2 I hope.
Sex after a c section often takes a while to get back into. And it has been a while since you both were intimate so that can cause a great deal of apprehension and just missed cues too. The withdrawal method. That is another word for pregnancy so the joke goes. Condoms work...and spoil the moment a lot less.
Did the pain you had...did you feel that was related to the sex?
I don't want to join the unwanted club of people who tell you that you should not be in this much pain...but I am going to. I do not think that you should be in this much pain this far out from your surgery. Unless of course the pain is all about your hips going back into place. That can hurt I have heard. I guess I am saying that I am concerned. Maybe it might not be a bad idea to ask about the pain. You could have inflammation that is not obvious.
Wow, missing narcotics. That is not good and since you have eliminated the family for the greater part I have to agree with Rob's first thought...the cleaning girls. That certainly fits the MO of some of the ones I know. And although I had relatives that cleaned professionally and were so honest I would trust them with my life, some of those in that profession are not so filled with integrity if you know what I mean.
I think you should at least notify the doctor that you had some narcotics go missing and if that makes you feel too odd...the police in any case. What would happen if they found this script in someone's car with your name on the bottle? Better to report this than not.
I am 100% on the fact that Rob is not doing so well on his husband of the year award. In fact I am not sure if he is even in the running at this point. He needs to wise up about consistency in his relationship with you. I do not think he is a bad guy at all, but I do think that he has a lot of stress and worry that he is allowing into his relationship with you. He must deal with this on his own as transferring it to you is not good, at all. You need an intact man in your life right now, and he needs to be that man. You are certainly surrounded by a number of men who seem to need you and not in a good way. They all seem to have maternal issues of some sort. Very subtle dependent types seem to flock to you.
I might be tempted to melt that harmonica now that Kate is using it as an emotional vent. Gee thanks parents for that one, huh? And good joke about the Mets!
Tmm will cause you nothing but headaches. He is such a mystery in so many ways. I think I may have told you that I asked my whole counseling class (my 2nd year students) one time about him...(of course using no identifying names or locations or sources) They all thought he was just into his own control issues and really does not see you as a real person, more of an outlet...someone who uses others to feel better about himself. He is a user and you are the obsessed focus of that user. He is bad news in a very soft and subtle way.
My wife is a total professional. I am sure that if Jen contacts her she will do an excellent job helping her out. I will not take her as a client of course as I am already talking with you and that would be too much of a conflict. I will never see what she writes to Kate either as that is how we work. In any case, Jen does need to work a lot through it seems, and it would be great for her to talk to someone. I hope she does connect. Steven
kind of glad youre not moving. for your mom and family. it seems like too much right now.
tmm2. yeah he has a boat. he loves it. i dont get the whole boat thing honestly.
i my be dense today and sleep deprived but i dont know of the boating /fishing metaphors from freud. i guess its sexual? you know not for nothing freud was a little overly obsessed with sex.
i dont know if id go. prob not. whos going to watch the kids?
and i def dont want to vomit from seasickness.
i used to ice skate all the time at the famous flushing meadow park. its where those famous scenes in movies show where the 1960s world fair s with the big sphere. its hugely shown in men in black th first one. i was a good skater. my bro sucked which is why i liked it even more i think...
we call withdrawal the pull and pray. its actually a pretty effective method that doesnt require any money and no remembering anything.
ill tell you im allergic to latex and tthe non latex condoms suck.
its like 88- 95% effective...
we dont have a condom in the house and i didnt take the pills so we were stuck essentially...
i dont think i was in pain from sex. i think it was the lying on my side as i felt my muscles pulling and the sitting up and lying back i felt the same. it just kept hurting memore and more everytime i did it, so i shudve stopped earlier i guess.
ill wait again and see if im more healed. this other nurse claudia i talked to today told me she was in pain for 2 months too.
i had the thought of just being like.. i didnt even know the narcs were gone. i havent looked for them cuz i havent used them. i think the bottle is long gone. and i just dont want to get into it with the dr. god everything is such a pain in the ass really steve. i just wanted a percocet. 1 percocet. i really was hurting and i mean in all the years, ive had knee surgeries and all my wisdom teeth extracted and 4 pregnancies.. and this was the 1st time i ever took anything. ever. i mean what did i ever do to anyone? my having this one script has to be this big f**king deal?
those cleaning girls are not only bonded but insured. theyre from a service, and ive had them as well as other girls before. id hate to blame them when i honestly dont know. ive never had anything missing before. ive never had narcs before either though.
rob i dont know. i just ignore him when necessary as i dont have the energy to deal with him and the children. whe i feel better illdecide what i want to do. and if thats for him to get the f**k out the locks will be changed.
as far as you telling your students.. i dont think i remember that. i dont care that you did it. im fine with it. tmm doesnt try to tell me what to do. and i havent been persuaded by him. i mean i think its like im good to be around when it convenient and he has time. maybe its just a feather in his cap. even still i may be 35 hes 60. so its still not a bad look for him. i mean younger would make him look like a fool.
i do think he has regrets about us for sure. and if me and him are talking he can make himself feel better by saying well shes not "mad" at me.
i think he loves his wife actually but shes done with him. like my mother is with my father. she told me that the other day for the 1,000th time when i told her about rob and his laundry stunt. his wife is done. and when tmm gets depressed.. he can be mean. when hes up, hes the best guy to be around. funny and joking, laughing - pulling pranks making fun of other people. the life of the party. wgen he was working hed have his game face on. the scowl. i dont know why he was like that but he was. hed be in a good mood even and the face would be set. and when me and him were new.. well i was able to reset that face.
anyway it was hard to be on that side when the depressed tmm came out. he takes wellbutrin, which i think helps but doesnt stop all of it.
anyway do you think its possible he has alot of guilt about what went on between us?
also the thing he said - i thought you knew i loved you we had plenty of sex... - of course i hit back with sure men have sex with women and they always love them... but i mean sex is a demonstration of love. its just men dont need love to have sex. (there are women out there too...im not being sexist) i said what i said to push him further- or to get him to see.. like he wasnt vocal enough or why would i think he loved me? he pushed me away - i mean i did have sex with him b/c i loved him. but i mean him having sex with me well, how bad do you have to be if you go up to a man and say hey lets have sex? and hes like uh.. no thx!!! and if he has sex with you.. does that mean he loves you? uh no.
as far as jen. get the deluxe disney resort. shes a freaking gold mine. you dont have to tell me what shes talking about im just curious - ask kate if she did contact her...
im starting anew question, so you can look for it. you can answer this here and then well continue there. im doing that b/c im having the mortgage paid tomorrow and i want to take the money out before the mortgage takes it all.
you can just reply got it and then well cont over there i guess. also i will click a bonus for you here too to pay you. the next time will be towards the end of the month then.. guess its good im going back to work and not taking the extra time off.
The boat thing and fishing and Freud...Boats and caves and the like are all female symbols, either by shape or because they are hollows of some sort. Fishing poles, well, that is obvious. So, to ask you to go fishing. I think you get it. lol
(DId you ever read the popular book, life's little instruction book? It is a cute thing, full of one liners about life. One I never forgot: In your entire life resist the temptation to buy a boat. [money pit])
I know the MIB reference you mean. Oh, so you went skating there. That is really neat. I love it when places I have been are in movies. And although I can't skate worth anything, at least I can say that I tried it. We all need to try new things (within reason) time and again.
Pull and pray is a good term for that method of birth control, for certain. And if you are allergic to latex unless you want to go to the lambskin stuff there is little choice. So, I guess you have to just hope that you do not get pregnant. But I get your choices. They are limited.
I still feel it is ethical for me to tell you to see a doctor based on your pain and how long it has been since surgery. I know you were just at the OB's office but still...everyone does heal at different rates and muscles heal very slowly, but think about going if this continues.
I am stubborn I guess, and very opinionated about certain professions after working with people who did these types of jobs. Bonded and insured, true...but then again I know lots of therapists who were insured and apparently reputable who ended up in serious trouble with everything from drugs to sex with clients. So if they can, why not someone who cleans and sees temptation everywhere. So, call me skeptical on this one. I think it was the cleaning people.
Rob and you will work out I am sure. This is an awful time for a marriage. And, (big smile here) I certainly hope you have more than a disposable view of your marriage, right?
Do I think tmm has a lot of guilt about what went on between you both? I think he has a lot of feelings, most about his own inadequacy and fears. I know he is convinced that he loves you. But then he does not seem to know what that means. Based on his behaviors he is simply a self centered, selfish man who is trying to gain back a feeling that he had with you. And I do mean a feeling and not you personally. If he loved you as he claims he would not do these irresponsible things. And if he really wanted you, he would be apart from his wife in the legal sense of it. In truth, no matter the condition of their marriage he shows what he thinks of both you and his wife in his actions. (Not much; it is about him.) And sex has little to do with love in his case. I doubt he even knows what sex is really for. Most men would like love but settle for sex, and that is emotional robbery on their part. Sex becomes a thing, not a bond.
A gold mine huh...Jen? Okay. I might ask Kate about it although I do try to stay away from anything she does with her clients.
Thanks for the bonus btw! And I will look for the new posting too. Steven
hi steve. figuree wed use this post until it gets longer.. so the other one doesnt get crazy as it will be the last question i can post til i go back to work.
thats so lame freud thinks boats are like female anatomy? omg grow up. and uh you all wish the fishing pole thing was true of yourselves. my god. i dont credit myself with being too mature but thats just ridiculous.
and tmm. he hasnt contacted me. im taking the kids out today so i wont be home.. so hell have to text if he does. i wouldnt mind hearing from tmm2 though...
as far as my mariage being disposeable, well you never know whqt the other person is think/planning. that sjust the way it is. i dont know what his problem is. i feel like im the one whos gone thru the hardest part of all this. i mean i was preg for 10 months had to go to all those drs appts on my free time (i guess when i shudve been pressing his f**king shirts.) and i had a painful c section and got cristmas together and wrapped and bought all the presents and did all the xmas cards, plsu all the cooking on christmas.. and ive gotne up every night with andrew for almost 7 weeks now. and then ive taken the kids to every drs appt except for like 1 sinc ei had kate... so i guess im a pretty shitty wife. thats ok.
plus helped him pay off 60k of school debt and credit card debt. do you know what kind of house id be in right now if i didnt have to pay all that plsu interest? yeah. instead ive lived here with no furniture.
so i just like knowing ok, if i had to.. could i do it? yeah itd be hard. but id be able to stay in this house. i carry the medical... id keep the minvan.. and well good luck. im sure rob will find soem other slut soon enuff.
and me.. well imight be able to find soemone. tmm2 is married of course.
either way its good to not be completel blindsighted by people and their bullshit. i made these kids and have to be expected that i will do it on my own if necessary. plenty of women have to. and i like to be prepared of course
and well let me ask you soemthing else. if rob loves me so much. well what the f**k?
dont tell me robs done alot more for me. b/c well ive also done alot more for rob too (than tmm and i did for each other. thats for sure.)
so i feel its even there - in both relationships.
dr b texted me last night hey sugar... DR A said that the "new" andrewis very cute...his 1st name is XXXXX XXXXX - i was going to tell him this is the newand improved andrew... or like this andrew has the same amt of hairhim... none.i would like to dig into dr b about why he has to tell dr a that weretexting. like its none of dr a business.i asked dr b - ok so are you having lady problems honey? or you justmiss me? he said - i always have women problems and i always miss you...(see i cna like dr b. i feel like dr a is pretending to be nice to be now b/c of his little out in the open love affair with that nurse rose.. like hey rose- shes a very good girl - so hes like im a good guy too. when hes an asshole to say the least and i hate that now hes fooling people again. and now dr a is all interested in my kid? so its oh we always have a prob with this nurse discharging pts and now you want to know about my kid? no.
we went to bjs and we had the 2 kids in 2 seperate carts. ok so rob hadto go to the bathroom. and says wait here. im like imm shopping youllbe forever. so i got the one cart in front of me and im pulling theother. i got many pity looks.. and i actually got coments oh your handsare full, and mother i pray for you... i have my wedding band/engagement ring on but, well what can i say? rob comes and finds me iwas several aisles away by this point. so we go to checkout and youlllike this kates holding onto a neutrogena combo pack of skin care tosave money i was going to get rid of it. but then i saw it had a $6coupon and it was already a good deal. i decided id get it. well igave in all my coupons ($27 worth thank you) well we get out side an isee kate was like sitting on it. i say to rob did u put this to be onthe belt to be paid for? he shrugged ad said no.. did you? i said no. ilook at the receipt and no we didnt pay for it.. and yes the $6 couponcame off anyway. so we stole it and saved $6. niiice.
oh and jen quit the er. shes going to work part time on telemetry. she didnt tell me kim the administrator did. im just curious if she contacted kate. i dont want to know about anything she says.. she told em she posted the question.. i had to walk her thru it b/c she apparently cant follow directions...
This thread seems pretty long now. Maybe we should simply switch to the new one after this?
A therapist named XXXXX XXXXX said almost the same thing that you did about Freud. I think his quote was "I can't believe anyone could come up with this stuff let alone publish it. So, you are far from alone. I have to teach his theory in Theories of Personality class, so I can't help but see the inferences at times in day to day life.
Try not to be angry with this. But I feel I have to say it.
Totally, totally true: It has not been an easy trip for you these last few years, even before that as well. But I guess my point about marriage is not that Rob is some sort of saint. He is not. And, in a big sense of life he needs to wise up about his role and to take appropriate responsibility. He does not in many situations, and he does make your life harder instead of easier a lot of times.
What I was trying to say is that marriage is long term, committed and is not at all disposable. It is hard work and filled with times such as what you are going through right now. (I know you know this.) But, back up plans....and the like: Okay, if he was cheating on you or similar I see it. But a marriage is a lot like a picture of a fighter jet pilot. Pilots of these 200 million dollar aircraft do not abandon them unless there is absolutely no hope of recovery. In a marriage, this is also true.
To leave is a huge deal. The consequences to children and to you would be much more than you might think. I have seen it, too many times.
So, I am not trying to downplay Rob's issues, not at all. But I am trying to get you to see that keeping your back up plans open as you are now is not such a good idea, as we tend to go toward our plans when the intensity of life increases. Instead, I would hope that you would seek support, counsel and have a lot of thought before you would end a marriage. What you describe now is a problem with Rob, but it is not a deal breaker.
I also cannot help, along these same lines, to say that keeping tmm1 and 2's access open and interactive is not a good idea. That simply reinforces past memories, both good and bad, and does not do a thing to help you, your marriage, or your life. Instead it can become a problem as their sweet talk and promises can look pretty fine when Rob is being selfish and is acting out. So...I will leave it at that.
Dr b is a nice man. He can be oblivious about certain things, but they mostly are his own "stuff" and not about others. So, he hurts himself with his lack of insight, not people he is around...
He does do, I think, a bit of hero worship with Dr a. And I think dr B's esteem and value are a bit low when it comes to who he is as a male. It just seems that way. I think in a mild way he looks to dr a for approval. So, he talks with him, even about things he should not. So I am not surprised that what you say to dr b is known to dr a. And trying to convince people that dr a is not who he appears is not going to be easy, if even possible. Good looking people are given so many breaks and opportunities to do wrong and few look past the surface. Those two things together give a big "line of credit" to dr a to do what he wants. Why should he not act as though he is a part of the group? He thinks he is and aside from a few insightful people he is accepted by the group. Sad, but true.
Wait? Let me get this straight. You're proud that you shoplifted and got a six dollar coupon's money back in addition? Okay...what is wrong with this picture?
Jen never contacted Kate, just FYI. Steven
ill start with my reply for your ans.
i get what youre saying about back up plans. but i need to have one. i just do. unfortunately i have been the fool in all of this. my whole life the jokes been on me. i dont know if youve noticed.
if thsi was a movie id be the village jackass.
and everyone knows it.
b/c if i wasnt id have no contact with my family at all.
none. b/c only a moron would let themselves be hurt over and over by them. anytime i start to relax and think things are ok.. theyr enot.
no matter how hard i try. look at thx giving. it all went fine. and then after its suddenly didnt. i got hit with my fil insulted my brothers inlaws... and im in the middle of bullshit. so even though they couldnt say i did something to ruin the day.. it was my fault my fil is an asshole. which btw every1 has known for about 10 yrs.
i wont overbeat a dead horse here. but rob was the sweetest nicest guy i had ever met. i married him with no doubts other than like was he just going to change his mind? decide i wasnt the right girl all of a sudden? there was no foreshadowing to all this. none. and until just a few yrs ago - were together 10 yrs this month. id say about 5 was when this all started. we were a few yrs into marriage. there was none of this so we were pretty happy til we got this house. i dont know if it was in the works before we got the house or it had started it just lines up in my mind around the same time. thought the 1st time he hit me was in the apt i remember that well.
so i do take offense that you think im just bailing on my marriage. im not mad or angry. offended. b/c i have done everything i can and no im not perfect, but ive held up my end of the bargain. ive worked full time, ive had children and worked on physically - including demo- ing and painting this house inside and out. to soemhow stretching a dollar til it snapped to make ends meet. we made significantly less money when we bought this house. about 40k a yr less. and it was hard. and thats y the house reno and the furniture took so long.
i do not take my marriage lightly. but i think to myself. you knwo my choices.. well maybe they werent good soemhow. both career and home. i see other people. and theyre not stressed to the point they feel like their insides are coming out. well i am. i have countless days of my life from my childhood til currently where i have felt like i cant go on. not anymore. its enough. and maybe the choices i have made have done that. if i pick another career would that be alot off my plate? it would be. if i left rob or he left me, would we each be happier? i dont know, but how could one know what life has in store?
if i told my family look i dont need this - cuz i dont steve. i just dont. who needs these people? theyr e actual poison. and they think its me. im the problem. well maybe i am soemhow. i stand there, like all i wanted was a family. id love to have brothers and sisters and sister in laws and nieces and nephews to play with and spoil.
id love to be planning the baby shower or surprise party with them. its all i ever wanted. nothing much.. just bbqs and get togethers... go on vac together..
i dont have it. i soemtimes think being an orphan would be easier b/c well at leas you dont have this dysfuction. youll always wonder why they didnt love you. or why they gave you up. but that one insult maybe you could get over and say mom did it for my well being. and try to make peace with that.
i look at andrew and i try to remember kates infancy. not so long ago. right? i cant. all i rememeber is her screaming with colic for hrs and me not being able to comfort her. her being in pain with her hip, the brace trying to change her poop diapers with that brace in the way. and all the drs. so many drs. just one appt after another. no fun. the week i went i was there all day. had to have asono, see the ortho, see physical therapy. - the pa or the ortho adjusting the brace after all was done, soemtimes they couldnt get all the appts on one day. so it was 2 days that week. the other week would be my bulk shopping , food shopping week. and id be dragging her from place to place to stock up on supplies. and then the next week would be the drs again. the reg peds, ortho, sono, physical therapy. wait 30 min for this one 90 for the ortho soemtimes. one time i waited 4 hrs for him. and then comments from people. oh whats wrong with her? it was spring summer. no blankets to hide this mess. and then work. all the drama leading up to my horrific checkbox mistake. and you know the house wasnt orderly and clean. and then i was preg again. so kates hip and my new ob appts.. then kates christening. then i lost the baby. then in 2 months the checkbox. so no ive been a shitty wife i guess. i havent kept it together. all the socks arent balled. theyre washed in a clean basket. but theyre not balled.
you should tell your wife.. im sure shed be horrified and outraged all my laundry isnt folded and neatly put away.
so you dont know if robs staying. i dont. and im not asking him. and if he just doesnt get better, well maybe being alone is better than wishing i was. if im doing it by myself? well whats the diff? at least maybe id have the chance of meeting soemone.
im not saying that id leave to be with tmm (or anyone else..). thats over. he doesnt know it. but its over. ill take his flattery. i deserve that at least. after all the bullshit he put me thru. but im tired of giving my all (at work, with rob and the kids, for holidays, and the family that hates me..) and its not good enough. if the laundry is not folded, theres no one to actually scream at me over it and then take their own laundry only and put it away. see him doing thatg made me realize what a complete fool i am. im working as a team. he made sure his stuff was in order. f**k me and the kids.
doesnt that make me look like the village fool? the jokes on me again.
so when i tell you i need a back up and things worked out in ym head i do. b/c otherwise if and when it happens ill fall apart. and i have 2 kids. so i cant let that happen.
i look at kate and i dont regret what i went thru. but i didnt enjoy her being an infant for sure. i look at andrew and i hope its not favoring him, but im trying a little (to just look at him and coo. )with him. its hard b/c christmas was coming and the c section and kate and her dealing with the new baby. and now its all settling. and i have less than 2 weeks back. this weekend i plan on pedal to the metal cleaning and organizing more. but today i read a long story to kate. and we talked. and you know, we never do that.
on another note, robs coat finally came in the mail.lands end takes forever. anyway the box was there and he didnt ask what was in it. i opened it up when i gothome last night from the play place kate was playing at - and i kept the kids there longer b/c rob came home early and said he was home from a class early. i said ok, do you want to come here to play with kate? its pretty close by to the house - not an hour away like when i go to the mommy and me stuff - and he was like well what for? i said ok then you should hang the new smoke detectors/ co2 detector (i bought very expensive nighthawk ones that talk to each other and tell you where the problem is.. we have the ones we bought when we got the house and i didnt feel safe with them being 4 yrs old and not top of the line..) so he did- it s all set and he picked up soem toys and loaded the dishwasher.
he helped me bring the kids in. and i opened the box and he said whats all this? i said here put this on. it was the coat. he looked at it wordlessly.. he put it on and its puffier than i thought itd be. but its rated for -10 degrees. and the matching polartec grippy gloves. the whole set was $100. the coat looked nice and it has a hood and this cuff lining.. and rob was happy.
he said it feels really warm. i said its supposed to be. i told him all the details including the price and the savings etc. and he said i like it. i ve been thinking i need a good coat for all the site visits i need to do.
and he mentioned the coat he has (also lands end and its like 3 years old but ti looks brand new which is why i like them... but i didnt know it had a broken button. so i tdoesnt close on the bottom. and one of the button holes (i think its stressed when he sits with the coat closed on the train) is a little torn/ worn. i said i can fix all this and ge tit cleaned. i dont think we should get rid of it. (and im the queen of throw it out.. if you have new sneakers why do you need 4 other dirty old pairs? )
and he said no i dont want to throw it out.
so he asked - after he was home for 2 hrs btw - whats for dinner? i said cheerfully pork tenderloin. so i made dinner. i told him kate needs abath. and he gave her a bath. i was dressing her and i had her in my arms and i trie to give him the towel. i kind of whipped it towards him cuz i only had one hand and it smacked him on the leg - he asked if it was foreplay? and i said oh its def not. dont worry. i then added im sure you dont think i should come on to you when you turned me down. and he said no you shouldnt. we left it like that.
the night didnt turn ugly, he got kate settled i had the awake andrew on me bobbing around, and he read on his kindle and i watched the river wild.. (im doing a movie marathon- i havent seen a lot of movies.. so anything that cathces my interest im watching.)
btw no i wasnt impressed by the shoplifting - it was entirely unintentional. i was lifting everything from 2 carts with the 2 kids onto the belt and rob had run back to get english muffins i had forgotten. so it was hectic watching the 2 kids 2 carts and all we bought -
we got out of there and i said to rob oh that was high class... i didnt want to walk all the way back to go in.. and i said yeah but if we didnt pay for it how come the coupon came off? wouldnt it say like that item not scanned or soemthing? so then i saw the coupon and i said oh niicee. we got the money off too. so robs like we could go back in.. and i said ugh. and he said well it wasnt on purpose. i asked kate what she was dong with it and she said she liked the flower on the packaging. she pulled it from out of the cart. she sits on a cart cover i bring in and with all that crap, i didnt see it.
i felt mildly guilty, and then i wa slike oh f**k it. ive spent 1,000s of dollars there. and its like.. i didnt do it on purpose. what im shocked about is when we let them look over the cart as were leaving they didnt catch it. and i said so to rob.. he said well thats why all these things are bullshit. (he referring to security measures... ) and yes we went home.
today tmm2 texted me -- he hasnt since friday - but we agreed no texting on weekends.. and he said hey sorry i havent texted, ive been really busy at work the last 2 days. im still busy. i said ok no problem. he said ill text as soon as i can. i said ok, dont work too hard. and thats it.
and jen did say she posted aquestion and i told her kates full name so the question was to start with for kate mc coy... i dont know if soemone else picked up the question? or what happened. i didnt talk to jen again as im trying to limit how much contact i have wiht her. she texted me about it so i told her to ask for kate.
Sorry I took a while to get back. Mom issues. (pre-surg tests for her leaky heart valves)
I am not saying that you should avoid prudence and common sense, and duckplanning for the contingencies of life. That is normal. But when it comes to amarriage I am concerned that all of the hurt that you have gone through wouldinfluence you to execute the "plan" before it was truly needed. Thatis a real possibility for people who have histories of betrayal and emotionalpain, like you do. I am just expressing concern in this way and do not want youto feel that you are compromised about protecting yourself. You should. But, Iwant you to do it well, with great care and thought. Make sense?
And your life has been rough. You indeed may have had it easier as an orphan (although I doubt it) and you have endured much with men and your mother and family. But those doors are closed and that bell rung, and cannot be undone. But, you do have many blessings in your life as well from your children to your job (really) to many things...still it is hard in some areas, especially relationships which seem to be a difficulty.
Rob and you seem to have reached in this last day or two a bit of a progress point empotionally. I am glad for that. Sometimes he can be okay that Rob. Now if we can just get him a little more in touch with you and your thoughts and feelings it will be much better. (seriously) I think the coat was a greatlt timed thing. You both needed something to feel happy about that was just right. And I looked at your weather. He will need it next week.
And you should capture as much time with Kate and Andrew as you can. That is in your and their best interest.
Your story about shoplifting is so much like a story about my Kate when she got five bucks back from a store that usually overcahrges. She found out, I asked if she wanted to take the money back. She hesitated and then said,,,"for all the times they ripped us off, no". I said "rationalization" and we both had a good laugh. She did take the money back BTW. (If you ever wondered what psychologist's laugh about.)
tmm2...well, you know my thoughts on that! But your a freewilled person. lol
And Jen? Not sure as Kate didn't see anything for her and no one picks up other peoples stuff, usually. Incidentally: My post here also looks really lousy. The spacing and spell check are off too. Steven