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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Just feel like one by one my friends are leaving.

Resolved Question:

Just feel like one by one my friends (I thought) are leaving. Husband and I are separated. During his dad's funeral, his current girlfriend ran up hugged kissed was all over him, after he asked me to sit and be with the family (38 years married). I agreed, but got chewed out when I asked them to wait to show inappropriate affection in front of my mom, daughter etc. I apologized to the woman by saying I'm sorry I said anything to you. She said I was mean, and I got an apology only after I addressed it with my husband 3 days later. It was not sincere. Yearly, we went to Jamaica and met 12 other people on a regular basis to vacation together. Husband asked me NOT to go and would not share the week. I stayed away. He asked the group not to post pictures of the group. One came out today. I asked why 7 months later it was posted. I was told she was tired of walking on eggshells around us. Either husband or good friend lied to me about posting the picture. It just brought back bad memories of how I wasn't welcomed to go with the group and how his girlfriend hurt and humiliated me after his dad's funeral. It just seems like there is no respect left among anyone especially for me. Yes I feel like a victim and feel like no one cares how I am treated anymore. I cannot get past the anger. How?


All I want to do is hurt another, not physically, but emotionally like I've been hurt.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is understandable that you are very hurt. You have not been treated with respect. If you and your husband are separated but not divorced, then you are still legally his wife. And for him to bring a girlfriend into your lives and basically replace you is not giving you the respect you deserve.

Because your husband does not seem willing to respect your feelings about the situation, you may need to set some boundaries instead. One is to ignore his girlfriend. When you get upset about her actions, she seems to gain power from it. So ignoring her will help her see that she does not "get" to you and it will take away her power. It will also help your husband see that he cannot hurt you through his girlfriend.

Two, decide if you want to try to reconcile with your husband or pursue a divorce. If you still want to reconcile, talk to him about going with you to therapy. If he won't go, go without him. Working on the issues in your marriage can help you both find the bond you had before and encourage reconciliation.

If you decide that you want to move on, consider cutting your husband out of your life as much as possible. While it is tempting to want to be included in his life and his family, you are only going to be hurt again and again by trying since he seems to have stopped considering your feelings.

The best way to deal with how you are being treated is to find your own support through new friends, dating (if you are going to divorce) and joining groups you feel will help you grow as a person. You deserve support around you and a chance at life beyond your husband. Here are some resources to help you:

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott

New Life After Divorce: The Promise of Hope Beyond the Pain by Bill Butterworth

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning

The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care for by Alan Loy McGinnis

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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