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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband was arrested for domestic battery. We were married

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My husband was arrested for domestic battery. We were married for 7 years, and the abuse didn't really escalate about five years ago. He is also heavily addicted to pornography and sex. He has been involved in Sex Addicts Anonymous and different recovery programs, but nothing has worked. About six months ago, he admitted to me that he had gone back to looking at pornography, 40-50--hours/week. The hardest part for me the lying. I couldn't trust him. This created a lot of conflict, and I wanted to leave him. My hurt feelings enraged him, and he became very abusive. The physical abuse continued for about 6 months. He was beating me in the head, kicking me in the ribs, spitting in my face, tried to force me to swallow a bottle of Ambien, etc. I finally called 911, and he was arrested for battery. Now,he's telling everyone that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I emotionally abused him. My friends all tell me that can't be true,but I'm confused.Could I have caused this?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this painfully overwhelming reality you have been undergoing for this long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you described here clearly shows a very abusive, manipulative and dysfunctional husband, with serious mental health, personality problems and addictions, and the only mistake I can see you have had all this time is what we call codependency, which is an addiction affecting man people, leading you to expose yourself to be used, abused, neglected and manipulated by people, like your husband, to the point of even truly believing you could have been the cause and responsible for his choices and actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please be sure that your fear is common in people in your shoes, victimized by people abusive and violent like your husband, and that there is no way you could be responsible for his choices and actions. Nobody deserves to be disrespected, even less to be abused, and he is clearly a very dysfunctional person with a very distorted personality. Then please be sure that what you have been told by our counselor and at the Shelter is absolutely clear and right. Your fears and doubts show how much you need to work on improving your sense of self-worthiness, self-confidence and assertiveness and to eradicate any form of codependency. Please continue to work in a committed way on yourself with individual and group counseling support in order to heal and grow from these overwhelming experiences. I am glad you got the courage to get necessary support. Now it must be about you taking good care of yourself away from anybody incapable or unwilling to respect you as a human being.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am not telling you that this is easy at all, but it is necessary and absolutely worthy. You need and deserve a healthy and fulfilling life around people who could share with you and support you, away from any form of abuse, neglect or violence. Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you. This was very helpful. I found a Codependents Anonymous site here where I live. Do you think this would be a good resource for group counseling? The Domestic Violence shelter also has group classes. My therapist has been very good about working with me on my self-esteem; it's just a long, long process.

I am glad to know you did take consistent action and looked for further sources of support. SUpport groups are generally led by members, where they support each other since sharing same core issue-s and main goal around rehabilitation or growth. They use to be based on a set of principles guiding them like with AA or codependent anonymous.

On the other hand, group counseling is always directed by a mental health professional, ideally a counselor or psychotherapist with expertise in group work and the issues at the core of the work in those therapeutic groups.

These are two different types of support, one is psychotherapy / counseling work while the other is more about people sharing together without the professional assistance and commitment of group counseling.

My suggestion is for you to get into group therapy and once it ended to keep working on yourself through help from support groups. What many times appears as an issue is the lack of local professional group psychotherapy, what then leaves people no option but to limit group work to support groups.

It is never easy to work on our own healing and growth but it is necessary and worthy, that's why the group component is so important, otherwise people could so easily self-sabotage and neglect their own process.

I feel hopeful about you, please continue taking good care of yourself and building a healthy support system.

Thank you for your trust,

Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you