my brother has an undiagnosed mental illness. He is devastating everyone around him, ruining my parents marriage and ruining himself. He has terrible spurts of violence and hatred. He finds the negative in people and picks and picks and picks at people until he makes them feel violent towards him. He belittles others, but he is a 20 year old who quits everything he attempts. He had a serious drug problem with prescription drugs (mainly benzos) last year and went to a treatment facility for it. He came back and slowly manipulated all the rules my parents had placed on him. My dad and mom are at odss, my dad is successful and very dogmatic in his thinking ('old school'- raised by a Navy frogman) and my stay at home mom (once a nurse, co-dependent and enabling, easily manipulated). I am 23 and left the state where my family lived because my health was being seriously compromised on all facets. My brother has recently pushed me to the point, with two disgusting events, where I am ready to remove him from my life until he starts loving and caring for himself. He is violent and selfish. I know he is severely suffering and a very broken individual, but he will not help himself. He lied after the treatment program and said he was trying medication for his mental issues, when he was really abusing xanax again.. Its breaking my heart to see my family, especially my parents relationship being destroyed because he masterminds a game of deceit and destruction against them. I do not know how to handle this towards my brother, mom, or dad. I have tried so many modalities of communication and all have failed because everyone is in this sympathetic mode. My mom is enabling him, protecting him, and growing his behavior. My dad is harsh, fed-up and without any patience. I need help to handle this with the least amount of harm to my family and myself. I'm leaning towards writing letters to my mom and brother, and I hesitate because part of me thinks it may be best to just leave it be and allow them to play out their own lives.
1. My parents are not consistent and their opinion has been split
2. My brother will no engage in conversions, or employ any of the techniques he has learned in treatment centers
3. He was buying them off the street. I do not think at this current moment he is abusing xanax again, his drug of choice is marijuana (which in our state has become "legal"). My brother is extremely unproductive and gets stoned daily.
4. My brother is self-medicating and refuses to get psychiatric help. When he did receive help, he lied and put on a show to act normal. He refuses to go to a doctor and admit that he needs help, and how do we force him?
5. As long as my brother is living in my parents house, their communicated is destroyed and they cannot talk without getting extremely emotional/ frustrated/ defensive etc. My brother has put himself between them and uses them against each other. He is manipulating
6. He will not get help for his mental illness. It is at a point where my parents need to practice tough love and force him out, that is the only way he will change his selfish/ spoiled/ narcissistic ways..
I just don't know what is best for me to do. I live multiple states away and I am physically away from the situation. My mom dad and brother have grown incapable of communicating and the situation is highly dysfunctional. I do not want to see my parents divorce, but I truly believe that they are coming to the point because of my brother's toxic behavior. How does a family convince/ insist someone to get help for a mental illness? (i am nearly positive that he is bipolar-- it runs heavily in our family)
Do I say nothing and let these people live their lives?
Do I verbally communicate what I see as an 'outsider' and risk offending them (I won't make personal or character attacks, only specific examples with words to what I believe the situation needs)?