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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5231
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Hey Dr Mark.Well i should have listened to your advice,

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Hey Dr Mark.

Well i should have listened to your advice, but have found it very hard to detach from this person i asked u about in Nov. I know its wrong, my gut feeling 'pings' off all the time.
Ok so HELP please, i am READY to move on now. I honestly just want to know in a more 'break it down' fashion what happens in her head. I am very interested.
For example- New year's Eve, she invites me around to her place- what a tremendous nite! Awesome, it really was. Watching movies, having a laugh about work, alot of cuddles, little bit of intimacy etc. She told me about some kids stealing their xmas tree lights from outside, we had a laugh about it, thinking how we could get them back. Then in the AM she had to go to Mass, she acted like i was some sort of inconvenience. Her flatmate came home from niteshift and and i asked her about their Xmas tree lights that had been stolen. Her flatmate looked at me quizzically, and said "What the? We haven't lost any lights?' I caught Nicole side glancing me and she said "oh Pete, that was just a joke'. She quickly exited the room. Not a huge thing, but strange hey?? So i asked her to txt me about a catch up for Wed nite, she told me she was going to the pub with friends, no problem and would txt me afterwards, of course the txt never came lol. This is so hot & cold Dr Mark...i am totally over it. Is this a form of bi polar like her brother has? Or is it control freak or pure narcissim? I really am interested in her mind now.
I totally love the warm, caring, snuggling side of this girl, but then there is the dark grey nothing side, which i'm afraid of. Its like walking on frigging eggshells and i'm totally sick of it!!

So please help. Feel free to ask me anymore info i will give as much as i can.

Pete.

Hi,

My name is XXXXX XXXXX I am the Moderator for this topic.Dr Mark is not available right now, but I have sent him a message to follow up with you here, when he comes back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience!

Camille

I am sorry for the long wait, would you like to continue waiting, or would you like for me to open your question to other Professionals?

Camille

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Camille!

Yes that would be great thank you. They will have to read back through my other questions and answers by dr mark to understand what's actually happening tho.

Thank you! Look forward to the reply.

Hi,

Thank you ….hopefully it won’t take too much longer for me to find the right Professional for you! Please don't respond to this as it may prevent the Professionals from accessing your question. If you want to cancel, please let me know, and I will do that for you. Thank you for your continued patience.

Camille

Hi Pete! I'm sorry I was away for a few days. Thanks for your patience.

Pete, you know the question you're asking is really impossible to answer: can we give a systematic explanation for what's in her head?

She would have to be in therapy for an accurate diagnosis and statement of motivations, drives, etc. You've mentioned now control and narcissism and we discussed that before. This time, you're introducing elements of behavior that are associated often with features of Borderline Personality Disorder. Again, I'm not suggesting any diagnostic opinion. I'm trying to give you a better understanding of her behavior based on what you've described. Because the literature available for BPD sounds like it may help you understand better than the literature on narcissism might. I've worked with former partners in therapy of people with both NPD and BPD and your description of the whipsaw effect and especially the walking on eggshells effect is so consistent with BPD.

Amazingly enough, when I work with people in this situation you're in, it's uncanny how often they say they feel like they're on eggshells. Whether it's English speakers in the US, Canada, or in Europe, when we started out, this exact phrase would be expressed. And in fact, it's the title of a book that you can look at to see if it indeed resonates with your experience:

Randi Kreger wrote a book with Paul Mason called Stop Walking on Eggshells. Her is the American Amazon page for it:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1284441698&sr=1-1



She also has a wonderful online group called the Oz Online Community for Family Members. There are tabs for both BPD and NPD on the top because the behaviors can be so associated. You need to really get to know her resources because they'll help you with what the people in your life are going through. She's a very nice person, too. Here's her site:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/

 

So, again, I can't tell you what Nicole's situation is exactly. However, I hope this will point you in a direction that gives you that peace of mind you're seeking. The most important element is that you're recognizing that you're only human and that this relationship is not one you can make into a satisfying or healthy one for yourself. And this is the important understanding for you to have.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hey Dr Mark!

Really interesting sites and info I had a quick look at today thanks.
Just found out I am working with Nicole for 5 shifts in the next coming weeks. I work as a paramedic btw. I actually asked the boss if he could change the line so we didn't have to work together but he wouldn't as outside 'meetings' they (management) don't care about- only if it affects patient care. Fair enough I can see their point of view. So, I'll have to work with her- of course I'll be 100% professional however are there any tips you could give me to 'survive' abit better lol.

Thanks!

Pete
Pete,


Look further into the sites and consider getting the Eggshells book as well. I'm concerned that working with her will not be an easy process as she may engage you in some emotional drama or another. And so having resources to keep your resolve strong and yourself looking forward in your own direction and not becoming swept up in her emotional situation is vital. Okay?


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5231
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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