Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
I believe that I can help.
There are two paths for helping you. You have no need to give up your practice.
I do not know what the reporting laws are in your state for getting onto a suboxone treatment program, but if you can remain anonymous then a strongly suggest enrolling in such a program or finding a doctor who can treat you privately. It is very effective for opiate addiction, and you may have to ease off the alcohol as well.
There seems to be ample anecdotal evidence that suboxone treatment will also help in alcohol withdrawal.
Chemically, it does not help, but being in the withdrawal frame of mind does help a great deal.
I highly recommend this book.
Will power has a lot to do with recovery, and suboxone will make the opiod part of it a lot easier.
You have so much at stake here: your entire career that you worked so hard for.
That is a lot of positive leverage and momentum.
What are your thoughts?
Why would you even consider giving up your practice?
It seems that having these obsessive thoughts are a part of the problem, and your compulsive response to your worry about failure is to drink or take painkillers.
Depression may be part of it.
I do not know what kind of therapy that you have had, if any, but I suggest that you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder, possibly OCD.
I suggest finding a worldly psychiatrist with whom you can establish a relationship and possibly go through the subaxone treatment and also discuss your worries about your future potential disintegration as a professional.
You will probably benefit from the help of a therapist that deals with anxiety at well.
I would have liked to have had some feedback from you, but at this point I will leave you to ponder what I have said. You are welcome to get back to me as needed, any time. I am at your service.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC