Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
I believe that I can help you.
You are having these repeated episodes of self-sabotage due to a depression that has not responded to treatmenmt.
The Cymbalta is not working for you. I do not know your treatment history, but I do recognize that you are not only depressed, but strongly repress your feelings, as if you had been abused or neglected sometimes earlier in your life.
You are afraid to open up, afraid of being abandoned or hurt again.
I would like to chat with you or hear more from you, but I do understand your longstanding problem.
I would like to recommend several books for you:
Get Off Your "But": How to End Self-Sabotage and Stand Up for Yourself by Sean Stephenson and Anthony Robbins
silly title but good book
From Sabotage to Success: How to Overcome Self-Defeating Behavior and Reach Your True Potential by Sheri O. Zampelli
and if you believe that you were somehow traumatized earlier in life by being abandoned or neglected or abused of bullied, or otherwise witnessed trauma in the home or somewhere else later on in your life, then this book will be of great interest to you.
Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life by Jasmin Lee Cori and Robert Scaer
I am here to help. Please get back to me as needed.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC