I am a 40 year old male who is/has battled through depression. Currently I am taking cymbalta. I have a battle that is going on inside me that is tearing me apart and I can't seem to lessen it, even through psychotherapy and medication. I have a hard time feeling close to people and I am terrified of being alone. I am incredibly social and at times empathetic to people. Very confident too. But I never let things get deep or close and I keep things on a very surface level with people. Relationships with women are almost always long distance and I always find a way to bring them down through sabotage or anger or ennui. I have been engaged before but to a woman where I felt I didn't want to be with her but couldn't leave the relationship. That engagement ended just before the wedding with severe panic
attacks and depression and once needed, moved to calm. In all patterns where a woman in my life shows signs of getting very close (moving in, marriage, spending a few weeks together etc), I emotionally check out. My sails drop instantly. I have nothing to give and want out. It's a lonely tiring existence that I don't want and I see life slipping away into a lonely end. I now have a new fiancé - we've tumultuously dated for two years and a pregnancy has come into the picture. I,was smiles for days about a baby, a family, the engagement, a wife. And now the sails have emptied, I feel depressed, anxiety
ridden and I can't see this working.
What happens with me and the 11-12 relationships I've had where distance and aloofness are key yet being alone is utterly painful? Why am I pushing them away?
This same dynamic has happened as well with other aspects of life. Social, work. I don't want things to form. I don't want my life to move in a direction. It's almost as if I am terrified or threatened by knowing what I want and actually having that. The closer I get to those things, the more I back away from them. And this is getting worse the older I get.
I had a normal childhood. My parents stayed together although not always lovingly. I was one of five kids. Middle class. Comfortable life.
Why can't I move forward? Why can't I be in my life? Why do I run away when I get near it?