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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband and I are married for three months. We are seperated

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My husband and I are married for three months. We are seperated as his mum use to interfere with me when he was not at home. when i used to tell him he would sort the matters out. But one day i told my dad everything and my husband turned against me because he said i made his mum look low infront of my dad. it became so unbearable that one of his mums friends even told me in a harsh manner that i must never tell my dad or anyone what goes on in that house. MIL wanted money from me, mislead me with the food my hubby eats, made me look lazy infront of him. My hubby is her favorite son. My hubby has turned against me. We not intimate, we live like strangers, i have to pay half rent, buy food, detergents, pay the maid whilset he supports his mum. he wnats me to live with his mum now. i explained to him i cant and he said we will. i said if thats the case i rather go back home. I am now back home and he has not contacted me for two weeks now. We did see a marriage counselor and he put on a great appearance and next day we lived like strangers again. I have asked him that we rather divorce and go our seperate ways as his mum is like a brainwsher
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your serious situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see you have included names here, and just wanted to make sure you are aware of the public nature of this website.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you want I could request this communication not to be public after we end responding your question. Is that OK with you?

Customer:

i was unaware that i mentioned names, Yes please do not make this public.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem. Once we end this dialogue i would request it to be blocked from pubic access immediately.

Customer:

thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your situation is very concerning and sad. I cannot imagine how painful it's been for you to face this reality.

Customer:

it has been very difficult for me, i stayed in this marraige hoping things will change but it did not

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each culture defines specific values and norms around marriage but beyond cultures, life itself shows us through experience when something is healthy or destructive, and obviously this situation has become very dysfunctional.

Customer:

my husband is blaming me for everything. so i decided to get to his level and said yes it is all my fault, just then he tells me everything is not my fault.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The behaviors you described show a very immature , disrespectful and abusive behaviors from your husband, his mother and other people involved, which are incompatible with any healthy and adult relationship.

Customer:

i dont know what to do. he is by his mum the whole day. we never even had a honeymoon. he promised me we would go between christmas and new year and then he said no. his mum convinced him to say no.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Blaming is never a wise way to go, and what happened during the therapy session is alarming since it confirms how abusive and destructive things could get.

Customer:

we live like strangers in this marriage. its always about his mum and he is 35 years old

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry but his behavior matches a child's behavior and is far away from acceptable. It is clearly neglectful, abusive and manipulative, and I can say that expecting him to significantly change for good in a short period of time appears absolutely unrealistic and naive. You do need and deserve, as every human being, to be respected, understood, loved and supported by your life partner-husband, but what you are depicting here shows exactly the opposite.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it is truly frustrating and overwhelming and I do not see how your situation could improve at all to allow you to start building a healthy and fulfilling marriage taking into account how dysfunctional, immature and abusive he appears to be.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I use to tell to my clients that words are not consistently followed by actions, become useless, manipulative and destructive, so it is necessary only to trust words when they match the person's concrete actions, otherwise we would allow people to fol us, using, abusing and neglecting us in multiple ways.

Customer:

he does whatever his mum says. my husband came home one day telling me (more than once) that his mum hates me. so i called her to make peace. she came next to the phone and said "i dont want to talk to her". I told my mum and my mum called her to make peace, and asked her why she sends these hate messages, my MIL was quite and did not respond. My husband never talks about hate now. So i dont know if this was planned. i say planned because one day my husband told me even if it takes a year of apologies than i must apologise to her????

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not about a friendship but a marriage, which is supposed to be the most important relationship in a person's life, where you become the most important person in each others' lives, but what you describe is not only far away from acceptable but opposite to the most basic requirements of an adult marriage - relationship.

Customer:

His mum admitted two years ago to me that she suffers from a socio phobia. this topic never came up again. could it be that this suffereing of hers is making her deny her actions to my husband as she is scared of being exposed for what she is doing to me. do you know in my second week of marriage they asked me to go to the bank and take out a loan to buy them a car. i said sorry cannot do so.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but this shows serious abuse, manipulation and lack of maturity in your husband. What do you expect and need from a husband? Isn't it about respect, honesty, affection, understanding, love, protection, accountability and support? How much of this is he actually doing for you and your marriage?

Customer:

he shows the expectations you mentioned only in month one. when we moved out. his mum turned him against me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That is awful, and show the abuse is not only emotional, verbal but also financial-material. This is very serious.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If we happen to talk about a little child, I'd understand and say he is a victim of manipulation, but he is 35 and adult and married, so this is unacceptable , he is - must be totally responsible for his own choices and actions, and what he shows is to be far away from being a mature adult, even less a capable husband at all.

Customer:

i asked him for a divorce and he is refusing. how do i substantiate my case as he is blaming me. i asked him if i did wrong then please tell me my action that is associated with my wrong doing so that i can correct myself and apologise. there was no response

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not allow any further manipulation or abuse. Do not fall into such abusive game or you would continue to expose to further abuse and neglect. You need to get legal support. I do recommend you to get all your family support to get a good attorney to work on getting your divorce while you work on healing from this painful experience.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do strongly recommend you to start and commit to individual psychotherapy/counseling in order to work on your healing process , to better cope and grow from this overwhelming period of your life.

Customer:

tell me, as a child my husbands parents divorced. he became very isolated, his mum said he would never listen to her at all. sho she send him to a physochologist. do you think he could have been hypnotised to listen to her until now, as none of the other sons went to a phsychologist and behave like he does. everything is my mummy, my mummy, my mummy

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think he is hypnotized but that he's been raised in very dysfunctional ways, getting a very distorted personality, poorly mature and codependent, which is a serious addiction, very clear in all the behaviors you described here. Sadly the only person with the power to start making changes with necessary psychological support is him, but as long as the denial, avoidance and codependency remain this strong and enabling each other him, his mother and siblings- I do not see much hope for any significant changes.

Customer:

based on your experience what normally happens if the wife goes back to the husband believing he will change. assuming he convinces he he will change because his image will be shattered.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What uses to happen is that abuse, manipulation and dysfunction get much worse, as the consequences from it, destroying the wife's mental health, life and well-being, while enabling more and more abuse in those presenting these serious mental and personality disorders.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In psychotherapy you would need to seriously work on rehabilitating from any form of codependency, since this addiction leads people to self-sabotage , expose and enable other people to use, abuse and neglect them.

Customer:

i want to give you a true situation here, his one brother is married in australia and the mum interferred there and the daughter in law made it clear she will live with the son in australia. the younger son has a girlfriend and my husbands mum send her to a phsychologist because she told his mum that the mum must had knew that he two timed her with someone else. she did go to a physocologist bust she does not seem to be the same person anymore. My husbands mum tells her buy this, get this, and she just does it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad and concerning, again I do not how he could make necessary changes here without consistent long term professional psychotherapy, including treatment for rehabilitating from codependency, thus as long as he keeps such destructive relationship with his mother, there would be no hope for this person to live a healthy adult life nor to develop even an acceptable mature relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Mental Health Professional
3189 Satisfied Customers
MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach