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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have a sweet 5yo girl. Shes affectionate and thoughtful.

Customer Question

I have a sweet 5yo girl. Shes affectionate and thoughtful. Her father has traits of BPD and NPD. he is engaged to a woman with two young children. She also has NPD. How can I protect my daughter from this environment? What concerns should I have?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help youl

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you know how they behave in front of your daughter?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If your ex has BPD he may be prone to violent outburst and anger which may be terrifying. If your daughter rejects him in any way she might be the brunt of his anger, though he may be able to control it and keep from being angry at his daughter.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

However, his angry outbursts, which I assume that you witnessed and were the target of during your marriage, will probably continued and may cause her some distress.

Customer:

Im not sure how they behave in front of her. they arent around her together a lot yet but once married that could change. I do know that he tries to refrain from bad behavior in front of her but there are outbursts in front of her with me occasionally. often to control me I think. He knows that I will drop a topic of conversation if he starts to "misbehave in front of our daughter, etc.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

As she gets older, the manipulative behavior of the narcissists may also give her some distress.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The two narcissists may clash, and his BPD behavior will never stand with her, so this relationship may be short-lived.

Customer:

I have no idea how they behave. He tries to make me think lifr is perfect between the two of them. But, I was in a relationship with him! Is it possible that he has changed?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

No

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Narcissists will tell you anything.

Customer:

She is also half his age. The relationship has already lasted 3 years and now engagement.... No one thought it would go this far! i just know that I tread on eggshells with him when my daughter is around to spare her feelings and Im not sure what they will expose her to or how it could harm her emotionally.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is possible, if you think that this is causing her distress, because she reports some things to you, that you could conceal a very miniature recording device in a doll or stuffed animal. that she loves and possible get evidence to prove what the home life is like.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is something to consider for the future.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There is not much you can do except to try to have as much legal control as possible over visiting rights and primary guardianship.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If he has had legal issues then this could be a factor.

Customer:

smart idea. I was told by one therapist to move and keep my daughter away from him but I didnt. She loves him but I do see him try to manipulate her, guilt, etc. he has no formal visitation yet but wants to go to court for it and Im at a loss as to how I can educate a potential judge that might be snowed over by 2 narcissists that limited time might be best.

Customer:

you wouldnt believe how he has snowed everyone he knows, defamed me publicly, etc. He is a musician and has quite a following locally. its a little crazy...what people fall for.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is exactly what a narcissist does.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If he does not have visitation now, then you might consider moving well away from him now before this goes in front of a judge.

Customer:

so you agree that it is a bad environment for a child to have to be exposed to? i.d like to know how to make that point to a judge.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You never will.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you demanded a psychological assessment he would charm the psychologist. He would charm the judge. You will be the bad guy.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Narcissists are master manipulators, con-artists, and liars.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I see so many instances in which a couple goes to counseling and one is a narcissist: the narcissist always convinces (or almost always) the therapist that he (or she, but mostly he) is a great person and the other person is a little bit off or paranoid.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you can legally leave and disappear without breaking any court order, then do it. Otherwise you will have to deal with the consequences of this situation.

Customer:

Wow, its so easy for us to see that! I don't understand why judges arent experts as well. (with all the craziness they deal with) Yes, I fear being the bad guy in the eyes of the judge. I imagine that a narcissistic step mother will be my worst nightmare...almost. how could this affect my daughter? will they rub off on her?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It will not be good for her. The wife will be in competition with your daughter and will come out on top.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have worked with prisoners doing counseling, as a volunteer, for a number of years.

Customer:

He already chooses her over his daughter in every situation...

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have worked in the courts (as a French interpreter). It is a nightmare system.

Customer:

Im at a loss as to how he can put a relationship over his child. Of course, he always puts himself first! But a relationship??? The woman is a beauty and a horror!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are dealing with a narcissist. A beautiful young wife gives him a great deal of "narcissistic supply", as it is called.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Can you leave?

Customer:

hes text book.

Customer:

I could but this is my home town grew up here, support system,etc.

Customer:

I also have guilt of keeping Daughter from the good that is in him. His limited visits a couple hours a day several days a week, have worked so far. I just want to avoid the potential weekend stretches.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Then try to keep it down to that if you think that you can hold him to that.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Once he takes it to court, if he does, then you cannot flee, by law.

Customer:

She is coaching him to be horrible, play dirty, because of her own experience with custody battle. she wants him to get our daughter as much as possible Im sure to avoid child support. ( which he currently pays nothing).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you want this battle?

Customer:

No way. Thats why Ive never asked for money. Huge can of worms! But I will resent him supporting her and her two children and not his own!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Pick the lesser of two evils.

Customer:

I tried to get him professional help but it didnt work out. He snowed some and frustrated others! Sad that it is so difficult to help those with personality disorders!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You still have a choice.

Customer:

should I continue to suggest therapy for him or give up on that?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Give it up. Don't provoke him. Therapy will never work.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Say as little as possible and do it quietly as if he were dangerous. In a sense (not physically), he is.

Customer:

Yes, he is dangerous in many ways. Odd that the fiance has figured it out this late in the game!

Customer:

Thanks for the input!

Customer:

has not figured it out I mean above....

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have to decide which will be the harder road to travel.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I know what I would do while I could.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I've been through this before and have seen others go through it.

Customer:

The courts need to get educated!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It will never happen in a country where congress has a 20% approval rating yet 93% of them are returned to office. Our country has lost its way and allowed corrupt people into high places. Narcissists also gravitate to the top where they can be in control.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Mental Health Professional
7662 Satisfied Customers
35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.